July 27, 2005

Thank you to an anonymous friend

A comment on a post that I have deleted deserves to be read and responded to:


Hello TDF,

I usually enjoy your posts very much. They're well-written and insightful. But dude, this post says that you are leaning towards becoming a friggin lunatic! Not just that, but a self-centered, cold-hearted lunatic whose thoughts and actions revolve solely around what you want.

You know, I'm worried about you. I'd like to see the 'old' DF back, not this one who uses and discards others at will. I also worry that your personal escapades will end up becoming a professional issue for you since you indicate that you are a teacher....given the moral climate brought on by our right-wing president, it's not far fetched to see that an angry parent brings this blog to the school board. Don't give them this power over you

Dear Friend -

I wish I had a name to address you directly. I reread the post today. You are right. I don't like what I am becoming. I need to return to myself. It is amazing what pain will do to me - not an excuse, but an observation. I need to find my way back.

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for telling the truth.

I let pain justify my choice to do what I disdain. I alone am responsible for my actions and need to move beyond these poor choices that I have made. MM and I have taken leave of each other. We spoke today and I ended the relationship. It is for the best. I will live with my grief and, hopefully, find my way back out of this haze of egoism that has enveloped me.

Thank you for being a friend.
-tDF

My Life Has Become Simpler

MM came over to the house, following a phone conversation. She said that she wanted to have a “heart to heart” with me. I’ve learned that this means that new games have been devised – our history is difficult to ignore. I thought that, since she wanted to come to my home earlier than our dinner that there was something afoot. Really, she did me a favor: my life is much simpler. She is history.

Moment of Clarity


Alcoholics that are coming to a place of recovery have described a “moment” of clarity when the path is clear and a choice needs to be made. I had mine today. I have decided to cut all ties to MM. I am better off for it. Having spent the last few days rereading the sad chronology of our past, coupled with today’s conversation have led me to the point that I could never have reached before: I am better off without her.

MM came to the house to announce that she wanted to be just friends. Now, on the surface this can seem like all I wanted was sex from her. This is not the case. Read on, gentle reader, and withhold judgment. MM had called me on Saturday to tell me that I was the one that she longed for and that I was the one that she loved. After that, she told me that she wanted to be with me, but not exclusively. I accepted that – given my history, I could not do otherwise, though I would have considered monogamy with her – and she told me that I was the primary relationship. Today, she comes into my house to announce that this is a page from her past and that she wants us to be friends. I thought for a moment and then saw it: she is a lying, manipulative, low-life unworthy of my affections.

I told her to lose my phone number. I actually feel relief, not grief.

MM has a long history of lies and games, though she denies that she is manipulative. Her standing exculpation, excuse to make it all fine, is “look at my intentions… I didn't mean to...” I’ve come to a place of no longer caring about her “intentions” and focus solely on behaviors and their impact on the people around her. Since I was the person being impacted, I decided that my wellbeing was more important than her intentions. I have no more energy for her lies, manipulations, passive aggression, games, and general bullshit. As far as I am concerned, she has become a bad memory. I am done.

Harm Caused


Because we met when I was a student observer in her classroom, there was a power differential that she never quite let go of. An example: I needed a letter of recommendation from her. She refused for three weeks, then sent an unsigned letter (as near to useless as possible). When I noted that the letter was unsigned, she finally provided a signed copy that was lukewarm, at best. The fact that I had to wait three weeks for her to provide what should have been given the day my obligation ended (almost a year ago) cost me a job. I could not turn in an application. But, she was feeling "overwhelmed" at my request and just couldn't be bothered. Too bad for me... She "didn't mean me any harm..."

A neighborhood spat cost me over $2000.00 when her neighbors had my car towed. She made peace with the person involved, but never raised the issue of the monetary damage that it caused me. I was supposed to be quiet and happy that she was feeling better. When I confronted her, she acted hurt, as if I should be happy that the tension level was now lower. They make peace, I get screwed. But that's fine in her view.

This is nothing in comparison to hearing about how she was sleeping with a new guy that – in her words – complained that she was not good in bed, that she gave poor head. Now, who tells a friend that was a lover these details? What type of low-life does this? I have come to the conclusion that she does not deserve me. She has more money than I do – an inheritance – but not nearly the class that I have. An aside: any person who chooses a loser like that deserves what she gets and is clearly unworthy of my affections.

What Now?

I work in a small community. There is no way not to see her on occasion. I will be polite and courteous, as I always am. But warm? Never. I want never to have to associate with this woman. She has left a trail of emotional wreckage in her wake. Her parting shot, “Why won’t you support me in becoming the person I can be?” My response, “Because I no longer care about you. Do us both a favor, lose my phone number.” And she left.

And I am relieved.