Alone Again, Naturally

Gilbert O'Sullivan Sang that Song when I was in high-school: it was one of my guilty pleasure songs, one that I secretly enjoyed. The narrator chronicles all of the losses and all of the grief that he has endured and ends with the laconic refrain, "Alone again, naturally." So too am I, again, and I fear for good.

Devestated

That is such a strong word. Given the recent events in the Indian Ocean and Asia it seems too big a word for my pain; but there it is. I feel wrecked and ruined anew, just as I was struggling to have and keep faith. I could not sleep last night. When I did fall asleep, my dreams were like a tsunami wrecking havoc on the shores of my subconscious mind. I trembled all night and, finally, around four, gave up on sleep.

The weekend was horrible. MM was not feeling well (down with a cold). Beyond that she seemed distant. It was like all of the stuff that she and I had been through was beginning again. Sunday it broke. I had sent a couple of IMs - the little love notes that I like to send - to her. She contacted me and we agreed to get together later in the day. The time came. I got there. Following a brief conversation she informs me that she wants me to leave and wants to be alone. It's happening again.

We went through this game she has of not saying what she wants then expecting me to be present at her whim and convenience and as easily dismissed when she wants (without regard for my time or my wants, it seems). It was a beautiful day. I suggested a walk on the promenade. The weather was warm, balmy. She agreed then changed her mind. Then we were to go to Main Street. Then she decided I needed to leave. I tried to explain that I was getting frustrated with her and to please just tell the truth rather than play these mind games (which she denies playing, "Sometimes its easier for me to know what I don't want..."). I do not do well with this nonsense. I have never begrudged her time to herself. I hate wasting my time and being blown off. She knows this and just does not seem to give a damn.

I lost it. I let her know in no uncertain terms how angry I was for having had her waste my time - the only thing of value that any of us has; wasting time is wasting life - and playing her passive aggressive mind games. I left angry. It was as if the wounds that were inflicted a couple of weeks ago were torn opened again. I am sick of being dismissed, sick of being treated as if I really don't matter. If that is what she wants then she can damn well do it on her own; I won't be treated in this manner.

Here's Where I Blew It...

It was not the two hours doing this danse macabre that I lost; it was the whole day. I began to feel constricted; my heart was racing and I felt like I was going to burst. All of the classic symptoms on anxiety were present. I know that when I am feeling this way I should do nothing that involves heated emotions. I am too sensitive, they are too potent. I thought that I was calm, but I felt that I needed to deal with this NOW. I called and told MM that I thought that we needed to talk, sooner rather than later. I should have waited. I did not realize how angry I still was. I should have checked the conversation.

I told her that I love her (more about this below) but that I was angry. I got very angry and let her know - yelling at times, never a good choice - how upset with this behavior I was. I truly believe what I said was honest and well taken; how it was said was completely improper. I am at fault for that.

I mentioned in the previous post that MM had asked about something that had been said: she had been difficult since roughly Thanksgiving. We had had some conversations about this. She had noted that this was her first holiday since her mother passed away and her divorce had been finalized. Why she needed to push me away was completely beyond me, but that was her justification. I was supposed to be understanding of being treated like a guest that has overstayed his welcome because of her loss. How can I be supportive of a person that is pushing me away, a person that is actively finding fault, that is looking for reasons for this not to work?

But I digress. MM accused be of using a "technique" on her. That pushed me over the edge. I began the conversation by telling her that I love her because I was struggling to find reason to go on. She shattered my heart. She was doing the same things again and it hurt more than I can say. To be told that I was manipulating her by beginning with love was more than I could take. I flipped. All I remember was hitting my head, hard - it still hurts - and yelling at her to get out. It was as if she had found the one last nerve that she could strike at. That sounds malicious. She will deny malice, and I would tend to believe her. But she is capable of cruelty (as are we all, myself included). I was on the phone when I was able to choke back the tears and told her that I did not see how I could do this any more. Later I called and asked her not to hate me.

It is 5:17 in the morning. I need to shower and begin the day. I am not looking forward to facing a room full of teens this morning. But, what is, is. I will do my work and do it as well as I am able. I'll write more later.

Sunday, Drinking My Coffee...

I have been away from my 'blog for a bit. I think I needed a rest, especially after the tumultuous week that began this year. I am still a bit shakey, but things are getting better. MM and I have begun to get back on track. I am still shy to talk about it, though. I want to wait another couple of weeks and give us some time and distance from the events that transpired on New Year's. She asked about it last night. I simply said that I did not want to talk about it. There is much to say, but I've decided not to say it here until we've spoken. She reads this 'blog (all of that is fine, it is on a public server and anybody that has access to a computer can find it); I don't want her to take what is in "process" as the absolute word. This seemed to be part of the problem in the past. I don't want to repeat it. I may post, but keep them offline until we've spoken: that I have not yet decided.

I had a wonderful opportunity land on my doorstep. PHS in the district that I want to work in has made me a long-term sub in a class that may become permanent. They are checking out what I've got, I'm checking them out. This is a good thing. Some stress, but good stress.

I've written some music in the past couple of weeks, too. I need to complete the CD and begin thinking about gigging. How many times have I written that one? It is time to get serious.

Enough for now... it is a beautiful Sunday morning. I have much to do for next week.

Heil Bush

A thought from Doonesbury for the Inauguration:


RIP Democracy in the United States. God, where is FDR when we need him the most?

Goals for the Next Year

In the past I have had the custom of taking a couple of days to think about what I want to accomplish in the coming year. In a previous post, Resolutions and Other Acts of Deception, I listed new year's resolutions. I thought that this was a good idea at the time, though I admitted that I tend to resist resolutions. They seem weak to me. They are a list of things that I know that I will not do but will think about now and again. I do better with goals that have a plan attached to them. Last year I made resolves. This year I am making goals. Best to begin with last year's resolves, I suppose:

1. Employment: Locate a suitable job teaching special education
2. Music: Record my CD (vanity, vanity…)
3. Music: Formal studies! Theory and counterpoint?
4. Music: Resume gigging in Ventura, Santa Barbara and Los Angeles Counties
5. Financial: Debt free and living on a budget (How bourgeois can it get!!!!)
6. Spiritual/Emotional: Spend disciplined time in meditation/prayer, find a community of faith
7. Spiritual/Emotional: Do works of charity and peace that cannot be paid back (all anonymous)
8. Physical Health: Eat well and exercise

The resolves that can quickly be dismissed are numbers 2 and part of 6. I have no desire to join a church. I realized early on that this was a poor choice for me. I tried formal studies: time and funds don't allow for this.

Financial: I incurred more debt this year than I have for years. This was a flop. I think, instead, that living with a budget and working on servicing debts is a better choice. Fiscal responsibility and solvency is a better goal for me.

Physical Health: My health is OK, but I think that I need to pay better attention to my body than I have.

I will make no comment on number seven, just to keep it on the list.

I need to make a plan to get placed with this or another district. This has to be the primary priority. If I need to take another job to supplement what I am making subbing, that is fine. I need to generate another 1000.00 per month to be comfortable, closer to 1500.00 to be better off.

Thinking about what the priorities should be, the following come to mind:

• Financial: To live within a budget and to responsibly service my debts;
• Professional: To locate suitable employment that will allow me to meet my nut every month with room to spare;
• Music: Complete the CD and distribute, gig to support it and for personal satisfaction:
• Personal Relationships: Spend quality time with the important people in my life;
• Spiritual: Continue to do anonymous kindness for those that cannot repay me, improve my spiritual development.

That is a heady list. I think that I have to do some realistic planning that takes into account time necessary, resources, and who needs to be involved. That is the hard one for me; I need to be a bit more pragmatic here.

It is never enough to have goals without an action plan. I need to think about this and begin to set something out that is doable and to which I can commit. This means that I need a friend to help me by keeping me accountable to my goals. That is hard. It is much to ask of a friend.

More to do... More thinking.

But Does He Dance?

I am the fool... seems fitting, doesn't it.

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Voyeurs Leering at the Pain of Others

I really wish that I had something to say…

When I was a pastor that thought rushed through my head with startling regularity. I saw horrible things, mundane things, joyful and depressing things: all of the stuff of life. I suppose it was in the face of things that we cannot know or understand that I felt most inadequate. I remember wishing that I had something to say that could make sense of the pain or the sorrow that the person in front of me was facing. Words failed me often, and there were times I sat, quietly and empathically. Detachment was my friend. It kept me alive.

Empathy and sympathy are similar but different ideas: sympathy means that I feel the pain with another, their pain becomes mine; empathy means that I enter into the feelings and understand them but remain separate from the pain. One makes me suffer for that which I am not properly responsible and makes me into something of an addict (sympathy) the other makes me available, responsible, and able to respond without falling into platitudes. Sympathy can be somewhat parentalistic and defensive: I seek to dull my pain by denial. This is the stuff of addiction.

We have had unseasonably harsh rains here in Ventura, CA. I’ve always joked that we have four seasons in California: fire, flood, earthquake and drought. The fires of the summer stripped the vegetation from the ground. The rains have turned to mud. The mud turned to death flowing down from the hills. Two people that I know have lost their homes (One in La Conchita, another in Castitas Springs). Just what does one say to somebody that escaped with their life and the clothes on their back? What words can bring comfort in the face of that which cannot be rationally understood?


Voyeurs Leering at the Pain of Others

On the bus today I overheard a conversation between some of my fellows on the trip. One asked about the destruction and said that she wanted to go to look at the devastation. Another responded that he had no need to go to see how much other people lost. I responded that we have become voyeurs leering at the pain of others. The guy sitting next to me was at La Conchita with the military, digging for survivors. They found a dog. He looked beaten down and battered himself: a young man that seemed to want to have found somebody alive. Just mud and debris: Sympathy or empathy?

My detachment allowed me to be present in the face of suffering. Being empathetic allowed me to enter into pain and offer comfort and compassion to the people whose suffering I had been invited to share. This is the key: invited to share. My concern about the leering is that it is an act of the voyeur: a passive intrusion into something that is intimate. Leering, gazing upon what happened to another tends to trivialize the loss; it becomes less powerful as it is gazed upon because it is removed from our reality rather than becoming part of said reality. There is a dark magic in that.

Simply because we see something does not make it real. We have become a culture casual imagery. The tsunami hits and we are momentarily aghast at what happened, but go on with our lives unaffected. Mud slides in California. The nation jokes about how stupid we are for living here, but we go on disinterring our dead that we may properly grieve and bury them again. Life goes on. This is true enough, but must it be in resplendent isolation, complete with walls to filter out the perceptions that we do not wish to color our reality?

Cause and Affect

Do we dare to live a life that is affected by the lives of others? What happens to others involves me because I am involved in humanity. This is what it means, I think, to live in community. I wonder what a bit of empathy would have cost the people that were wanting to look at the devastation: it’s a bit like staring at an auto accident, darkly hoping that there are victims as if their pain became an intangible talisman that protects us from ours. It is not apathy, but a sort of inverse sympathy that seeks to turn the force of a shared fear around rather than squarely facing that fear and asserting a common humanity.

So what do I say? Words continue to fail me. Maybe the best solution is to continue to treat the people directly affected not as compassion objects, but as friends and companions on this brief and bumpy sojourn on our small planet.

And sometimes silence is best…

Starting Over

It has been a rugged several days, to say the least. I have fallen to nadir, was convinced that I had lost the woman I loved, confronted my issues regarding trust, and am beginning anew.

I have had ENOUGH drama for the New Year, thank you very much.

MM came to me and said that she had made a mistake. She wanted to try again. I have to be honest and say that I was hesitant. I am still concerned about whether she will do this again, but that is a risk that I am willing to take. We went through a rather difficult conversation that began with my stating that I felt that trust had been violated and that it would be difficult for me to trust again; beyond this I was concerned that MM did not trust me.

The conversation wavered from a chat to open anger (on my part), to breaking down crying. MM broke down and had a major anxiety attack. This was more than I could bear. I went into my care-giver mode and that’s when I realized that I needed to try again. It may or may not work. But I am willing to try.

I have several issues (as does MM) that need to be discussed. I want to find a way to do so that does not become a “what’s wrong with you” session. I know that I can be difficult. MM has her issues that are valid. But beyond the issues is a real and abiding love. Surely this is worth trying again.

I do know one thing: I can’t do another week like the last one again.

Happy New Year… let’s hope it’s a good one.

Seeking Some Clarity

This is a post that I had written several days ago. I had intended to publish it after chatting with MM about our relationship. It was part of my thought process and, I thought, presented were I was. MM came over and he had a rather spirited discussion. We are trying to work it out. Needless to say, this is a shift from the thought that is recorded below. I post this almost as an archival note to myself. I am cautious, but hopeful that MM and I will work out our issues and find a way to be. We made love on Saturday, after we spoke, I ate dinner with her last night at her home, as well.

I am hopeful. Optimistic, but cautious. Day by day trust will grow and we will find our way. There are things that I never do, but for this woman that I love...

We are together again (still?), and I am relieved.

- tDF.

---

I am coming into the realization that I have to move on.

Those words look stark as I type them. I had dinner with MM and invited her back into my place. We sat for an awkward hour; former lovers now uncertain of our status. She took a tab of her heart medication, noting that she was having anxiety induced arhythmia I was struck by how familiar and how surreal the whole moment was. It seemed that I was somehow unattached to the moment as it passed into memory.

I walked MM to the car. She wanted a hug. I couldn't. There seemed to be something too much like a past that is beginning to fade. Like a dried rose is a shadow of a beauty that was but is nothing more than a shell, so it seemed to me tonight. I wish her no harm, but I don't see how I can return to what was.

I remember writing to her not to use the language of termination unless she was in earnest and this was what she wanted. Monday night she told me that she thought it was what I wanted, so she was trying to find the easiest way out for both, thinking that I would not make the first move. She told me that she was afraid that I would "berate" her and did not want to sit through that. I was stunned. I had issues with our relationship but wanted to work them out. In the balance of things, there was more that I felt was good that made the relationship worth fighting for. All of that was nullified with her email.

I have to be able to trust her. She did much to help me. There is no denying that. I do not understand how she could have so quickly ended things and then want them back the same. She kept saying that she missed me. I miss her. But I need to trust her and that was lost. I feel betrayed. I wished that she had spoken to me, taken the risk that I was a person of good faith and meant what I wrote and said. Finally it comes down to the realization that she did not trust me to be what I claimed to be. Perhaps this is my failure. I can't say, it is too soon.

I wanted to talk to her about some of these things this evening. The restaurant seemed to be the best place, until it became unusually crowded. I then thought to do so at home. Then her arhythmia struck. I need to have this conversation soon. I do not want to do so on the phone nor do I want to send an email or have her read about it on this blog. [ Note: This entry will be stored as a draft until I have spoken to MM.]

So Where Does that Leave Us?

There is the question that needs an answer. I do not see us continuing as lovers. That would feel artificial. This happened once before. AW, who I mentioned in a post some months ago, broke of our relationship and then wanted to reinstate it. I tried to make it work, but the damage done to trust made that impossible. We tried, but it seemed to be a cheap facsimile of the relationship that had preceded our breakup. I recall her coming into my house and trying to tell me what was on her mind. I looked into her brown eyes and said, when she said she did not have words, "You are trying to find a way to say that we have come to an end." We made love and she left. Weeks later she called and wanted to try again. I tried. But it was not the same. Love, it seems, is very fragile and once it is broken it cannot easily be mended.

I have tried to see us getting back together, MM and I, but cannot see how I can be comfortable knowing that she did not trust me and now I have reason not to trust her.

MM wanted not to be hated. I do not hate her. She wants us to be friends. I would like that to work, but am not certain how to make the transition. I felt so hurt on Monday that I was certain that that was no way that I could be a friend. I still hurt, but it is not so onerous, so raw. I am certain that I will feel an emptiness for weeks, months to come.

The funny thing is that this has caused me to wonder if I have gotten over all of the pain and leftover suspicion that followed my last divorce. SJ was less than honest with me. She betrayed my trust and went behind my back to find a way out of the marriage, all the time swearing to me that she was committed. Why do the women that I love seem to feel that they cannot say what they mean? Why is is that the backdoor path or the path of passivity seem to be the best choices?

What to Do Now?

I am not certain where I will go. I have no real pattern following the ending of a significant relationship. LA and I parted and I started dating all too soon. I was so afraid of being alone that I ran into the arms of the first woman that I met. It was too soon to be healthy. I have gone the "pig" route where I fucked as many women as I could (not going there again). I have done celibacy (equally unattractive). I am just not certain what I want now. I think that I will pursue friendships, but nothing more. If there are "benefits," so much the better. But I am not looking for that alone, and certainly don't want that to be an expectation. I also want to be able to say, "no thank you" and not weigh now a friendship with expectations that I am not able to fulfill at this time of my life. This means honesty on my part.

I just don't see MM and me returning to what was. It is a loss for me. But what is lost has already passed out of my fleeting possession. I won't cling to memories and broken dreams. I need to heal and to live. I will mourn its death and recall that, even in resurrection, Christ bore the marks of the nails: redemption came at a cost and its scars never heal.

So What Do I Think Will Happen?

I need to sit down with MM sooner rather than later and have the conversation to say what I feel. I don't see us ever returning to the way things were. I still love her, but trust is broken. I think that we need to find a different way of being that is both personally and professionally appropriate, respecting both of our roles in the school district and as individuals. I told MM that I will only speak well of her professionally and privately. I will keep that promise. I hope that we can develop a friendship that allows us to see one another and still be supportive of each other. I think that is the best that can be expected, the best that can be crafted out of the situation as it has developed.

Happiness, Truth, Beauty

Yesterday I was thinking about pain and happiness. I don't want to suggest that happiness is a bad thing. I simply don't believe that it is the ultimate good. Happiness may come with love, as a result of finding joy in others. If happiness becomes my only aim, however, then I believe that the feeding of my appetites becomes source of happiness. This can lead to ego-centrism and greed.

I had written in some previous posts about truth. I abhor lying; I consider a lie to be a willful act to conceal or distort the truth. This may be accomplished by an omission or commission, adding to or taking away from truth. To be certain we all do this without will. Distortion is not the same as lying. Concealment is not the same as lying. There are things that we have in our subconscious of which we are not aware. It is not a lie to be unaware of them. There is no will to conceal involved.

When there is an encounter with the truth - for those who are rightly entitled to truth - the opportunity to be honest or deceptive presents itself. I have struggled with the famous question posed years ago about the homicidal madperson who wishes to know where my family is that she or he may harm them. They ask me where my children are. I know fully that this person means them harm. Do I tell him the truth? Of course not. In this world the greater good is served by a deception or a concealment. I suppose that I could simply refuse to say anything. Either way, that person is not entitled to the truth for what he or she may do with it.

Truth is more than the sum of facts. It is the attitude of fidelity toward something greater than the self. In my mind this brings us back to love.

Writing Later in the Day...

I am confused about love. I read a really insipid post on another blog that reduced love to the emotive sense derived from sexual contact. What a dweeb. Love is much more than sex. Sex is part of loving, but what of love of country, love of children, love of an ideal or a God? The Greeks had it right: they had several words for love. They understood that there is more than eros or philos or agape (to name the most commonly used three). None was exclusive, each had a fuzzy boarder to the other, all were interrelated and distinct. Love as a whole - in all of its manifestations - rests behind the call to live beyond ourselves. The gent who wrote about sexual love as the root of love obviously has missed this point.

I suppose, if I am honest with myself, that I have never had good luck with love. It has caused me much pain and suffering. Still, I dare to love. I wonder why. I think it is because I yearn for a partner. It seems that MM was not that person. She was over tonight. We dined and enjoyed an awkwardly pleasant evening. She left early. No sex, no desire on my part to be that intimate. When she left my mind began to wander. It is hard for me to see us together again. I would rather be civil. Maybe even friendly, but trust has been compromised. This is where I am not nearly as resilient as I had been in the past. Once faith has been broken it is deuce difficult for me to let it be reestablished.

I need to think. I need to feel. I need some time.

Happiness or Love?

Somewhere in the writings of C.S. Lewis, I want to say that it is in "The Problem of Pain", he states that pain is God's megaphone to rouse a weary world (or words to that extent - it has been nearly 20 years since I have read the book). The idea is that God does not so much wish for us to be happy as to love. There is a profound difference between the two. Dostoevsky, in "The Brothers Karamazov" says that "hell is the inability to love," riffing off of 1 John 4.7ff. There is some sense in that. If I am only concerned with my happiness then I am a shallow and ego-centric person. My happiness justifies greed and excess. My happiness makes me focus on my appetites rather than my health. Love drives me to regard my neighbor.

But love comes at a price: when one loves, one values something or someone more highly than anything else. Put simply, love is the cause of much of our pain. This is the type of pain that is redemptive. Not all pain is redemptive, however. I do believe that all pain can become a grounds of reconciliation and redemption, however. The recent tsunami has inflicted pain beyond my ability to understand or comprehend. The numbers are staggering, into the well over 100 thousand lost with more that will suffer disease and privation, to say nothing of survivors that have lost all that they had. A natural disaster is morally neutral. There is no intent to cause harm involved in the event. Morality becomes an issue in the response to the disaster. A moral nation would damn politics and bring aid and comfort immediately This becomes an act of redemption, not only for the victims of the disaster but for the all too wiling victims of the satisfaction of lust and gluttony. The disaster creates an occasion for people to become linked, to recognize a common humanity and to work to alleviate suffering.

What concerns me is the pain that is not redemptive. That is the pain that is inflicted on others because they are vulnerable to hurt. There is something sadistic about this need to cause pain. The suffering victim may have the opportunity for redemption, but what of the person whose pleasure is found in the pain of others? Certainly, all of us are at one time or another guilty of this sin (for lack of a better word); killing a small animal for no other reason than to watch it die, ridiculing a weaker classmate, committing sexual infidelities, and so on.

More Later...

I have never believed in pain for its own sake is good or redemptive. That makes God into a cosmic sadist. The recent events in the Indian Ocean would, however, give one pause to wonder about the goodness of God. Avoiding the pietistic dribble that so often follows such events by people far removed from the suffering, I have to wonder about the nature of suffering on a macro-scale. Natural events are only disasters because people live in areas effected by the instabilities of the earth. I do not blame God for this. The earth is in process and this process happens on a planetary scale. Sadly, just as we benefit from planetary events others will cause us pain.

A disaster occurs: the question is not why God did this or permitted it to happen. We have no window into the mind of the divine. The question is what we shall do to avoid it harming people in the future and how we will help in the present. "Why?," in any existential sense, is a moot question. The only redemption of this pain occurs in the action of people to alleviate the suffering. We are moved. We realize our connection to one another. We act. Hopefully, this creates a connection that goes beyond the immediacy of the disaster and sents a trajectory of love and concern.

On a micro scale, pain is what happens in dyads and family units. I love my lover. My heart aches. I realize that I was connected to a person that I loved and hope to find a way to love again. That is the redemption in the microcosm. Asking why never assists in moving beyond the moment. And it is only in the healing that redemption is possible.

-------------------------

Onto other issues... here is something fun. I am Watership Down.

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Dazed and Confused

God I wish that I had some good weed... I quit smoking when I started dating MM. I don't have any and my anxiety is going through the roof.

MM came over last night. I was broken up. All I could do was remain stonefaced until she said something that reduced me to tears. I've felt numb, like the pain was going to break out sometime soon. My hands were trembling and my heart was in my throat. But no tears... I wished that they would come so I could move beyond the initial insult to my emotions. Then they came and came. I chatted with a friend online and laughed a bit. I needed the catharsis.

I called MM today. My eyes are hurting and my heart is in pain. Against my better judgement, I think, I told her I missed her and love her. My heart and my mind are not one here. I don't know that we will "reconcile," or not. I do know that I have to move beyond the feeling that I was little more than the trash that is thrown away without a second thought.

Trust is big in my world. She broke trust with me. I don't know if I can trust again. I am confused and hurting.

Hell is the inability to love. Hell is being without feeling and emotions. Heaven is a place of passion: pain and joy, willing to be broken over and over again for the sake of the beloved.

More later...

I am on my break. The surley sandwich lady growled as I got my soup and salad. The day has gone as well as it could. I am fighting back a feeling of grief and just trying to focus on being with the kids. This is a good natured class at one of my favorite schools in the district. I am a sort of minor celebrity here. I walk to my class and hear kids yelling, "Hi, Mr. P.!" it is cool... ah, the kids are coming. Time to work.

At Home, around 8:15 p.m.

I got home, nothing overly eventful. I called MM on her cell phone, really not knowing what to say. It almost seemed out of habit; I wanted to hear her voice. My head - my eyes especially - had been hurting all day. I was tired. I fell asleep on my bed until about fifteen minutes ago. This is most unlike me. MM had said that she wanted to go to he mechanic to get the idle checked on her car, she asked if I wanted to go. I blurted out, "No" very quickly. That seems too much like what we would have done. I am in no way ready for any of that. I don't know what I want (also unlike me) here.

Last night's conversation left me confused. As I noted above, my heart and mind are not of one accord. My heart wants to go back, my mind is cautious. I don't want to feel that I can't trust MM to do this again if we try again, but don't know how to avoid the doubts. My online buddy said that time could take care of that, which is true enough. I think that MM wants me to trust now. That is something I am not capable of doing. I have to trust a lover. Lacking that... but as I look at that phrase I wonder how healing is possible if not for extended periods of ambiguity.

My head aches, almost as much as my heart. I need to eat something.

Get Busy Living or Dying...

I got up today at five. No breakfast, just coffee I pushed myself to get out of bed and get in to school. I had no desire to do anything. I know the symptoms of depression and they are manifesting themselves in me. I have to push myself to keep busy, to keep moving.

I got into school. It was raining. The bus-ride was OK. The classroom that I am in today is a bit disorganized, to say the least. It has been an interesting day. The kids in this group are really low-functioning. The teacher is, to put it mildly, more comfortable with chaos than I am. I got the computers in the class to run so the kids could use their software. I wanted to call MM and realized that that would not be an option any more. Who can I call to tell my stories to? She is not available to listen to my minor victories. It was a sad moment.

I realized that SL and LA have to move on with their lives. MM has decided to move on with hers without me. Despite how I feel about it this is the reality: what is, is. I have to get my feet under me and move on. I joked with somebody on-line (playing dominos) that once you've hit bottom you need to decide whether to use a shovel and dig yourself deeper or a ladder to move up. Safe to say that I've tanked. I feel truly alone today. the bus drove by MM's street. It was a sad moment, too. Like the color of the wheat for the wise old Fox in The Little Prince. "You are forever responsible for what you have tamed..."

What I thought I had tamed has no further use of me.

So much for being responsible for and to one another. I guess that the language of interdependence is passe.

It is my breaktime. I would have called MM at this time of day to see how her class is going. Can't do that again. Another loss. Another part of my day that has been taken away with a word. "Best for both of us..." Not by a country mile.

More later... it is going to be a difficult week I need to keep my focus and do. Good meals, good planning, good efforts. Set some short term goals and meet them. I have to keep moving. Shall write more later in the day.

It is hitting me and I am devastated.

The woman that I loved in a rather curt manner announced that she was done with me. I have been in stun mode all day. She came by and dropped off a few of my things. No words spoken. My God, I am wondering how I can survive.

To add salt to the wound, I got news from both of my ex-wives today. LA is getting married. Good for her. I tried to be gracious. She has a right to a happy life. Today was just not the day to have heard this news. SL called with some info that she had received. We chatted. I asked -blurted ?- if she may want to go with me to a concert that MM was to join me for (nothing beyond sharing a night of music, no expectation of intimacies implied). I told her what happened and knowing that she loves music thought she might enjoy the show. She told me that she could not as she was going away to Las Vegas with her new friend and intended to be intimate with him for the first time during that trip. Again, there is nothing I can say. I wished her well but wondered why I had to hear that tonight (or at all).

All of it drove home how desolate I am feeling. So here I am. My heart is broken. I have to teach tomorrow. I have to pull it together but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die.

MM did not even have the courtesy to tell me to my face. I suppose that may be karma biting me in the ass. I’ve broken off a couple of relationships via email, thinking it would be easier that way. But those were not as serious as this one: certainly the word “love” never entered the picture in those; much less commitment, or the thought of growing old with somebody.

My hands are shaking. My throat is hurting with cries that won’t surface. My chest has a dull ache where my heart should be.

This is what MM wrote to me:

The easiest thing for us to do at this juncture is for me to return all that is yours. I will expect to do this when A. has left but not tomorrow evening. There are no ill feelings as I know that both of must be free to be who we are. I have learned and gained so much from you. It is my hope that I have left you with positive memories and you have benefited from knowing me. It is very clear from what you have written in your blog as well as the note you sent to me what would be the best for both of us. Know that you are well loved and respected for who you are.

The only thing that I know from this letter is that I cannot trust the human heart. I was given no voice in deciding what was “best for us.” The hardest line to read is "well loved and respected..." but not enough to say any of this to my face or to talk things over. This is not best for "us" by any damn stretch of the imagination.

Discarded again, like so much trash on the side of the road… I hurt. Damn, but I hurt.

Happy New Year and Fuck You Pablo...

What a lovely way to start the new year. I got dumped. Life sucks.

As ususal, I am the one trying to find a way to clarify and heal. When will I learn? Love sucks.

Maybe I should go back to being the pig that I was. Lots of meaningless sex, with no heartache. Just fun. Nothing more.

Nah, that's not me. That was a digression. Happy New Year to me. MM's timing sucks big-time. I wonder who she'll take the the concert on the 14th we had scheduled. Do I really want to know? I think not.

Here is the lesson: never buy front row seats for a concert when you sense that you are at the crossroads... but to get dumped on New Year's Day? Fuck....