October 31, 2004

There Are Days That All I Do Turns To Shit

Why can't I have what other people have? Is it too much to want happiness and some peace in my life? There are days when all that I do turns to shit.

Today seems to have been one such day. MM and I had been spending a wonderful weekend together. It was sweet. We went to see “Shall We Dance?” During the movie MM became upset at my response to a character in the film whose part I understood on a very deep level (a real accomplishment for a film that is little more than mind candy). I chose to ignore her “shush” (a response that I really despise). On the way out of the film I was reminded of the time that I tried to take dance lessons. I am the only Latin in the world that can’t dance. I told MM how the teacher looked at me and asked if I was a musician. I responded in the affirmative. His response was, “Figures, none of your can move.” She laughed. I frankly did not mean the story to be funny. I was really humiliating as it happened in front of the class. I responded to MM, “You think that’s funny?” That’s what started it.

MM became visibly angry. Her whole demeanor suggested that she was pissed. I was getting the silent treatment. I hate that. The last time she did that it lasted for four days. I said as much: “I really hate the way this feels… if you are angry with me tell me what I did…” She announced that she was angry with herself and continued to shut me out. I still had no idea what this was about. I did what I do: I prodded a bit until I learned that she was angry at herself about her comment. Frankly her response was WAY disproportionate to the comment. I would have been happy to have let it go and move on. She needed – for reasons that escape my understanding – to nurse this into some sort of great sin against God and the universe.

For privacy’s sake I will not catalog her response. Suffice it to say that it was draining to me. I can’t take having to check every response to consider what will or will not set her off. The cost of having to have brought her down left me emotionally bankrupt. I wanted to get the hell out of there but did not dare to do so.

I stayed.

I made dinner.

I tried to take care of her.

I felt snubbed. Now, I have, in all fairness, to state that I was really raw following the emotional roller-coaster that I was subjected to today. MM was reviewing her email. She got her new statement on her house-payment, $200.00 less than my “shit-box” apartment. The funny thing is that I never considered my home to be a shit-box until MM called it that. She is of the opinion that I should let it go. That comment, made several months ago, still stings. Being told that I am paying that much more for nothing was more than I could take after going out of my way to be kind to her today. I slipped. I commented that I was paying “$200.00 per month more for what you [MM] elegantly termed my ‘shit-box’ apartment.”

The truth is she hates this place. She refuses to spend more than a passing few moments here. The excuse is that her son needs her at home, but in reality M is rarely at home. We spend no time here. I’ve never really accepted that as the reason. It seemed convenient and better not to push to hard.

I really don’t care how bad a home is, I would never tell the person living there that their residence was a shit-box. Yes, it is true: that was said a long time ago and she has apologized numerous times but it still hurts. Given the violence of the afternoon and all of the stuff that happened it was too much for me to think that I was being told about her new lower payment for her three bedroom home that she is remodeling soon.

I needed to get out, into my little shit-box home. It is nothing to be proud of. It is all that I have. I just could not be there any longer. It seems that I give and give and it is never enough. Not for my daughter, not for my friends, not for MM.

I’m sick of this.

I deserve better.

I am writing an addendum to this posting several days later (11/06). We had a wild and woolly weekend, but worked things out. We agreed that what we have is valuable and requires work. Both of us have been hurt deeply by betrayal and infidelity. Both of us can be quite tender at times. Where we differ is how we respond to anxiety. I am a talker, MM requires silence. I need to learn to regard her silence as a time for introspection and recentering, she needs to learn how to speak a few timely words so I understand that. We both love each other deeply and are committed to each other. When I think of this woman that loves me so deeply and without condition I am in awe and have to say that I don't deserve such a gracious and beautiful woman, but I have been graced with her love despite my shortcomings. I am, indeed, a fortunate man.
- tDF

October 25, 2004

Now I've Seen Everything

I CAME UPON AN Article in the Guardian that is worth reading. A salient excerpt reads:

In an interview with CNN, the movement's founder, Pat Robertson, described a conversation with Mr Bush shortly before the war in which Mr Robertson voiced his fears for American troops, and suggested it was time to prepare the country for loss.

"I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, 'Mr President, you had better prepare the American people for casualties,'" Mr Robertson said. He said Mr Bush had replied: "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties."


This is not a leftist... This is none other than my buddy PAT ROBERTSON!

As if that is not enough to cause one's head to spin, members of the Bush family have created a webpage dedicated to the defeat of their cousin, President Bush. The webpage, www.bushrelativesforkerry.com, presents conservative arguments against the election of Mr. Bush.

I can dream...And if that were not enough, the local right-wing nut-case newspaper, the Ventura County Star ran an editorial supporting John Kerry's candidacy. An excerpt reads:

John Kerry is not without flaws. At best, his 20-year record in the Senate has been lackluster and his early campaign was plagued by inconsistencies. But as the campaign has progressed, he has found his voice and his message. He will not abandon Iraq. He will bring the United States back into the community of nations and enlist their help in successfully ending the war. He will not shrink from the war on terrorism, but he will not lead us into reckless endeavors whose purpose is unclear and questionable.

John Kerry is the best choice to put America back on its proper course and once again take its place in the world as the shining city on the hill
.


Perhaps it is the dawn of a new day?

tDF

October 24, 2004

Core Values

LAST NIGHT I WROTE ABOUT My resolves for the year and offered a quick and dirty update on my progress. In the posting in which I had outlined my resolutions I also posted what I termed "core values." The extended quote from that posting follows:


"Peace and Harmony : I gave up trying to save the world years ago. Now I just want my corner to be tidy and a haven for peace and beauty. If I do this maybe somebody else will, and then somebody else, and so on until the world is saved by stages.

"Do no harm : If I can't help you , I certainly won't hurt you. That is much harder than it sounds. This has been the great challenge of my life and continues to be the central motivation in all that I have done. I have failed miserably at times. Other times I have had modest success. There is much that I have done of which I am rightly proud. I want to continue doing what is good and learn to leave behind what is not.

"Live, laugh, love : In one-hundred years all of us will be gone and nothing will be left but the sound of our laughter and the salt of our tears' enough said on that one.

"Honest and meaningful work : I do like to work. But I cannot work for something that I do not believe in. I won't whore myself out for material gain. Unlike some of my leftist friends, I do not see corporations or wealth as evil. I see them as areas that have been easily corrupted, however. Greed is the enemy, not wealth."

It is the final comment that struck me: "Greed is the enemy, not wealth." I suppose that this is one against which I have struggled for years. Most of my career has been spent working with people of modest means. I have seen profound acts of generosity from the poor and profound acts of greed. I came to see that greed does not know nor does it respect one's economic status. I am not a greedy person. But it is my deepest fear that I could become one. I would hate to see me become miserly.

I suppose that it is hard for me to be prudent when I too easily associate that with being greedy. Keeping for myself would have made my current situation less onerous. I would be in a more secure place had I planned for the moment rather than just living in the moment. I need to think, in this second half of life, about how to better use the resources upon which consensus has endowed with value.

The other values are part of my being. I need to focus on them and live according to their counsel more intentionally, more deliberately. They have been part of my way of being in the world for years. Surely, prudence can keep their company.

- tDF

Reviewing and Reconsidering Resolutions for 2004

As I’ve said, when things are going well there is precious little to write about. So, lacking for any histrionics – a good thing that – I’ve opted to do my review of my resolutions made in 2004. It has been years since I’ve done resolves, mainly because I know that I am piss-poor at keeping them. I am very distractible and find other things that are more interesting than the plan made. This year was to have been different. We are standing almost ten months into the year; let’s see how tDF has done, shall we? Good. Here goes…

1. Employment: Locate a suitable job teaching special education – I am subbing on a regular basis. I’ve moved closer to my credential but have not yet found employment. I have to say that I need to become very assertive on this goal. So much hinges on being gainfully employed. When I think about taking the time that I have it seems like an outlandish luxury. But still, it is part of recovery.

2. Music: Record my CD (vanity, vanity…) – It really isn’t vanity to fulfill a dream. This has proven much harder than I had imagined. It is in progress, but not near completion yet. It is coming.

3. Music: Formal studies! Theory and counterpoint? – I gave this a half-hearted attempt, but did not do well with the instructor that I was working with. I need to focus on this one later. Thinking about it now, I think that this needs to be deferred.

4. Music: Resume gigging in Ventura, Santa Barbara and Los Angeles Counties – I have worked on my webpage and have done the background work, but have made no concerted efforts to begin gigging. Other things were more pressing (recording my album).

5. Financial: Debt free and living on a budget (How bourgeois can it get!!!!) – OK, this is the big area of work. I think that it was unrealistic to say debt free and living on a budget whilst a student. I am closer to working with a budget out of pure necessity. I have some pretty hairy debts though.

6. Spiritual/Emotional: Spend disciplined time in meditation/prayer, find a community of faith – Nope. Did little on this one. I find that I am still uncertain about a community of faith. I tried to go with MM to her church, with some pretty chilling results. I find that I am thinking more about the life of the spirit, but do very little in this regard. Still, for me thinking is almost an act of devotion and reverence. It shouldn’t be underrated.

7. Spiritual/Emotional: Do works of charity and peace that cannot be paid back (all anonymous). – I have done this, almost without thinking. Of this I am proud. I have helped people that will never know that I have extended myself for their sakes. This is a good thing.

8. Physical Health: Eat well and exercise – Does eat too damn much qualify? How about lovemaking as exercise?
So that is my update. I will need to formulate resolves from this list for next year. I will also have to include some thoughts about relationship goals. I am thinking more in the lines of “taking care of MM and working to support her as I am best able,” or something to that extent as that goal. I will be omitting a couple of goals for next year (formal lessons and theory, debt free). I think that I can modify my financial goals to make them more realistic. Exercise needs to be in the list.

That’s it for now. Happy daze to you all!

- tDF

October 23, 2004

Quiet, Calm...

I looked at several of my past 'blogs. They serve me well as an indicator of my mood and how I am faring in my battle against depression and anxiety. I noticed that when I am not writing personal stuff, that I tend to be doing well. This 'blog is something of a catharsis. I am not always depressed. Depression is, however a constant in my life. That does not mean that I am always down. It is safe to say that I enjoy more of my life than not. Life is good. The dark moments, however, are deep and disproportionately hard. Winston Churchill called depression "the black dog." That is a good image. Most of the time the dog is calm. Sometimes he growls and bites at my feet. Those moments can be terrible. I had a bit of that several days ago.

A, my youngest daughter, is here. She could not explain why she did not want to be with her daddy. This tends to support my fear that her mother is poisoning the well again. LA is the mother of my children. It is difficult to say anything harsh about her for that reason, but she has come to the incontrivertable conclusion that she alone is good for our children (despite the rulings of the court). R, my eldest, has always been able to help A to see past her mother's lies. It is too damn much to ask of R to be in that position. A now does not have her big sister living with her. All I can do is love A and hope that she will see that I have never said anything harsh about her mother and will do nothing but the good that I am able for her.

I spent a couple of wonderful days with MM. Damn, do I love her. We have moments when we seem to grow closer to each other. The last several days seem to have been in that vein. We made wonderful love, cooked and ate good food, and spent our time together. She is such a passionate lover: responsive, intense, giving and able to take pleasure in my touch and to abandon herself to ecstasy. She is also kind, loving, and wise: my closest friend and best advisor. Much more than sex - though we have a sex-life that most people only dream about! - we share mutual respect and concern and support each other. She loves unconditionally and sees the man that I want to be.

I am still stressing a bit about money. My financial aid is being awarded this week. It is the time to process that concerns me. It has taken forever this term to get this accomplished.

Ah well, life is good. I'll hold on to that until the dog barks again and then will do whatever it takes to calm it down.

October 19, 2004

The Myth of Memory

I have been thinking about memory today. I read somewhere that memories deteriorate and that they become intertwined with the subconscious desires that surrounded the objective incident recalled. When asked to recount an event that occurred years ago, it is probable that what will be told, unless ritualized or formalized, will include much of what I felt or wished would have happened rather than what did occur. Memories are subjective at best. The objective reality only exists as an external absolute that is experienced and then colored by the sum and total of our experience. Thus, memories serve best as the sum of our fears, desires, hopes, and dreams rather than the repository of the objective. Indeed, as history is incomplete, so too is memory a warped mirror that refracts as well as reflecting the experience of the past.

I think this is why it is important to have a collection of memories, the sum of various peoples' experience of an event that can tell the story in a less subjective manner by parsing out what is common to all accounts. But still, that is only the fact of the thing. It does not account for the emotive content of an experience.

Consider 9/11. That is burnt into American consciousness. The facts are really not the experience. What makes the thing vital to our self-understanding as a nation is the emotional impact that it had on our nation. It has become, in short order, part of the popular mythology and a high-feast day in the American Civil Religion. What really happened? Nobody knows. Planes crashed into the World Trade Center. Lives were lost. But what of the events in Pennsylvania and Washington, DC? They have fallen into the periphery of the national memory. NY/NY and the symbol of the towers having fallen into rubble is what remains in seared into our consciousness. This is neither good nor bad; it bespeaks a process of myth-making that limits and makes into a metaphor the objective events that in and of themselves become less important than the myth.

It is more than the deterioration and conflation of fact with fantasy that this represents: it is to say that the objective reality can only be guessed at. We live in a moment, but experience the life we lead ex post facto. It takes nanoseconds for our minds to process information. In that time the split-second that separates us from processing what we have only momentarily before experienced serves as a chasm between the objective and subjective. Furthermore, we perceive through the limited scope of our senses.

I have never accepted the idea of a solipsism. But what I am writing is close to that idea: all reality exists only in each individual's mind. All that is is because I perceive it to be. Without my perception nothing that is can be known and thus cannot be, as being implies relation beyond the self.

Looking at the previous paragraph I find more than a small amount of discomfort. I am a Platonist that believes in a common divine mind from which all things emanate. All experience is part of a communal memory that is deep within us. That stands in start contradiction to what I wrote before. The objective reality is known only through subjective experience. The absolute mind can only be supposed by the experience of individual minds that exist as finite expressions of something that is finally ineffable.

I have to think about this a bit more, I feel.

Rainy Days

I like the rain. There is something of a pagan in me that sees a beauty in the sexual imagery of rain: the sky god makes love to the earth mother and we, their children, are born of that ecstatic union of the cosmos. Maybe it is the image of an orgasm as the fountain (a word chosen deliberately) of creation that appeals to me. Sex is such a powerful thing. There is something sacred about it. Two people come together (no pun intended there) and unite as one. If it is good sex, there are moments when the partners are so closely united as to be what the Jewish tradition calls "one flesh." There is something of a dualism there, as well. We are ecstatic in sexual union. The word ecstasy comes from two Greek words, εκ + ιστεμι, meaning to stand outside of one's self, or - more colloquially - to be beside one's self. The word, in Greek, had the meaning of having taken leave of one's senses, a sort of divine madness.

Is it any wonder, given the power of this union, that we call it making love?

May your life be full of such joy and divine madness.

ל׳חים

October 18, 2004

Friends without Names

I try to respond to my friends that leave comments. It seems only fair: they have taken the time to put their thoughts down. I should, at the very least, acknowledge their effort and respond to their thoughts. A couple of days ago I posted about differences between MM and myself (more about that below). A friend that chose to remain anonymous shared some rather heart-felt thoughts. I shared them with MM. I read and reread the comments. No, good friend, I do not expect MM to be the relationship. That is a valid concern to have raised, however, and I thank you for doing so. I suppose that I have focused on what is problematic in this blog more than what goes well. MM and I have an incredible relationship. There is much that is so wonderful about this woman that loves me unconditionally that is not recorded in these web-pages. She made the comment that we both have been there when the other was in crisis and did not leave; we've committed ourselves to each other and stand by the other no matter what. That is the real stuff of our relationship. I suppose that reading the comment brought this to light as we discussed what my anonymous friend wrote. Whatever our differences, we will work them out because we are committed to each other and love each other.


MM and I did have a conversation about setting a home up. We both feel that now is much too soon. Maybe in the future. I suppose that we are more on the same page than we felt. We did talk about what we feel for each other and how we are together. I am in a place where I can say that I see her as a life-partner. She is not yet in that place. That does not mean that she won't be. She just is not now. She did note that she is committed, loves me, and is dedicated to me. All of the qualities that a good couple would share are present in those statements. It is hard for me to think that it has only been seven months. We feel like it is much longer.


We both have been through relationship hell. It is something of a miracle that either one of us is willing to risk faith in another person again. For me it is not risking faith in anybody else, it is putting faith in her. That makes all the difference.

October 17, 2004

Different Expectations and Disparate Goals

If there is one thing that truly frustrates me about my relationship with MM it is that she will not respond to simple queries about what we want in our relationship. I asked her very directly several days ago what she thinks about our relationship and where she sees it going and her response was that it was “interesting.” Now, I must say that “interesting” is a code word that I use when I don’t like something but choose to be diplomatic. At first I responded as if that was her meaning and then thought again and asked her to parse out her answer. “It’s interesting…” was the non-answer that she offered and evaded the question, leaving me frustrated.

I suppose that this is the major issue that causes me concern about MM in the long run. On one hand she will project into a murky future together, but on the other she is clear that she does not wish to share a home. Neither of us believes in marriage. I am tired of living alone and want a partner in the same home. She does not and has said as much, in blissful ignorance of my desires I think. It would not be like to be so forward, knowing that we differ on this issue. It seemed to me that she believed that we shared that opinion. We do not.

I have often written in this ‘blog that I would see us living together in the future. I know that she reads this (as she has commented on things written); thus it is fair to assume that she knows my opinion on this issue.

Tonight, it was a bit before midnight. I was tired as she was. I was sent home. We do not sleep together. We have a vibrant sex life, but we don’t sleep together. She attributes this to my snoring. I became impatient with what I consider a canard. I do not believe that MM is lying. I think that she, like so many of us, will accept a seemingly less offensive explanation than to face the truth squarely. It is human to want to lessen the impact of what we feel. The snoring thing, however, is simply irritating to me.

If that were the case she would have taken steps to address the issue. She has not and has persistently refused, coming up with one half-assed reason after another not to. She has said that she prefers to sleep alone (and said so this evening). That is what I think rests at the heart of the matter. This is the limit of intimacy that she chooses to impose on the relationship. That may be simply closer than she is willing to risk, to accept. Snoring is not the issue. Intimacy is. She has said that she likes things the way that they are. We are friendly. We have great sex. She does not want to share her home with me or anybody else, though.

This is where I fear that we part ways. I have been single far too long. I hate sleeping alone and facing the kitchen alone. I miss taking care of my mate, doing those things that only happen when there is one home. I don’t know where we will go from this juncture. It has to be navigated carefully. I do know that I hate an empty bed, making coffee for one, not sharing my life with my beloved. MM, I think, is content to keep things contained and controlled. In that way, I believe, she may think that she will not be hurt again.

At what point does one have to assert what is pressing and vital to one’s self? I do not want to appear as if I am flinging down the gauntlet in the form of an ultimatum. But, neither do I want to face an empty bed. If these positions are intractable, then the relationship needs to be considered in that light. I am not willing to compromise on this issue: I do not want to be alone much longer.

I don’t know what to do or how to serve the love that we share.

October 15, 2004

God, I Was Depressed Yesterday

I was SO depressed yesterday. I looked at my 'blog entry and thought that I'd best clarify a point: I struggle with depression and anxiety, but I would never allow it to crush me to the point of ending my life. I have often felt that I would like to fade away, but I would never hasten my own demise. That is too much the route of the coward for me to find tasteful.

I am doing better. There is hope in the knowledge that the new day will bring new options, new possibilities, new challenges and new potentials that were not even imagined the day before. I suppose that when it is all said and done that I am a consumate creature of hope.

I know that there are some dark days. And then there are the other days that make life worth living. The grave is the last stop for all of us. Why not have some fun along the way?

In unrelated news, tDF was found to be a freak! Check out my results...
I'm 87% freak!!

Live, laugh, and love!
- tDF

October 14, 2004

Breaking apart...

I am having symptoms of a breakdown. I don't know if I can hold it together. The stress is becoming too much for me to bear.



Everything is going to hell in a handbasket, it seems. What the fuck did I do to have such a miserable lot in life? I've struggled to do well for those about me, often at my own expense. I've given all I had to the poor and feel like Job cursing his life.



My date in court went well, but it was a major source of anxiety.

MM yelled at me this morning. We spent a day angry.

A, my daughter, announced that she is not feeling "secure" with me and does not want to come visit her father. Her mother is behind this, I know. I spoke to my lawyer and will begin a lawsuit to put an end to this stupidity.

R is broke and told me that she needs money; can't even afford groceries.

School is suffering.

Music is suffering.

It is my mother's birthday. I called to wish her a happy birthday. She would not take the call.

Life sucks. It would be so much easier just to put an end to it. This is something that I would never do, though. I could not bear the idea of dying a coward and having my children bear that as their last memory of their father. I sometimes wish I could be hit by a car or something to stop the pain of being.



God, I have nothing.



I have to find the strength in me to face another day, to somehow live despite it all.

God, I wish I had a reason to go on.

October 13, 2004

Meanders in the Karmic Stream

I usually like to jot down a note or two before I do my 'blog. It helps me to organize my thoughts, look up helpful references or links, and to present something that resembles coherent thought. If your are reading, you deserve clarity. Today I have granted myself amnesty from that policy. I am meandering, like the karmic stream, around the heights and depressions in my life.




I spoke with MM. She was upset and felt that I had not been completely forthcoming with the current events of my life. I tried to assure her that, to the fullest degree possible, I had and noted that when she had asked I answered to the fullest extent possible. She seemed to calm herself. I know that she feels that she is an easy mark and easily taken advantage of. I suppose that this may be part of the unequal footing that we share. In many ways she is much stronger than I am. Nurturers meet weakness and seek to heal. They often do so at personal expense. I've done the same. I understand, to a certain extent, what she is feeling. What disturbs me is the tacit accusation that I have been dishonest. I have not made any attempt to deceive - by omission or commission - or to conceal. When asked I have answered. Often I don't know the answers. I tend to reserve comment until I do. That is where she is getting bits and pieces. I am not certain how better to communicate. I hate to make statements that I will later have to retract because they were erroneous.




I spoke to Sacramento and learned that I had an outstanding ticket from 2002 of which I had no knowledge. I had moved. It was a photo that was alleged to have been taken of me turning against a red arrow. There was no notification to me and, following a failure to appear (how could I appear when I did not even know about the ticket?) the ticket became a suspension. This, by coincidence was posted the same day as my LACo issue. I am sorting all of this shit out, but it is draining me. I come home depressed, feeling like there is an emotional vampire that sucks the life out of me, leaving me only with a feeling of having been killed by 1,000 cuts.




I saw the debate tonight; I wished that Kerry had come out fighting. Bush referred to Kerry as a "liberal Massachusetts Senator" and tried to tar Kerry with the Kennedy brush. Then the rat bastard turned around and pointed to how Kennedy had voted with him (Bush). Kerry did well, but I fear that he did not do well enough. He needed a knock-out punch. It may have been a win by decision, but there was no count to ten with Bush laying face-down, defeated, on the mat. Kerry had him on the ropes, but he never went down.




Financial Aid should be coming soon... That will be a stress reliever for me. I can pay back MM and take care of my little car (she needs some work) as well as pay rent for the next several months. God, I hate to depend on anybody else.




I am feeling rather punk today. There is another flu going around and I am feeling peaked. I have to go to court tomorrow to clear up the mess with my license and tickets. I hope that I am up to it. I also have to go to class tomorrow night. Damn, I am wiped. Enough. Time to move on. MM had a dream that she was ice-skating with Tai Babilonia and that she - MM - wore a beautiful flowing dress. She said they moved gracefully over the ice. It sounded so beautiful.

I would want to be sailing, on a perfect broad reach, the boat and my life in balance. It would be so beautiful.

October 12, 2004

Connections, Kerry, the Dancing Fool's Politics

I generally like to write in a coherent manner, keeping to one or two ideas in each installment of The Dancing Fool. Every now and again it is necessary to do a miscellany, a sort of mélange of ideas that has only its own diversity as its unifying theme. Consider it a paradox that can only reference itself as it is a self-contained entity that foreshadows the eternal. OK, that may be a tat presumptuous, but what the hell? If you've browsed my 'blog you already know that I can tread into that territory all too easily. Consider that This site is certified 77% GOOD by the Gematriculatorthese are the words of a poet with soul of a clown, and an all too ample dose of AD/HD to make matters more interesting.

The Fool’s Politics… I support Kerry not because he is a liberal, he is not, but because he is the lesser of two evils. Kerry is as conservative as they come. There are more areas of agreement between Dubya and Kerry than there are disagreements. Both obfuscate the truth, both engage in political hyperbole. The difference is that Kerry is intelligent enough to realize what he is doing. Kerry is a better alternative to another four years of the current administration. I am concerned about the environment, the economy, and domestic policy. I do not see either party offering a real alternative to the despair that was brought into painful reality during the Reagan years.

I, myself, am a left-libertarian. I believe in personal freedoms and government oversight of entities that are greater than the individual. I am, to use the famous paradigm proposed by Richard John Neuhaus, religiously orthodox, culturally conservative, politically liberal, and economically pragmatic. I prefer "green" investments and to make choices that regard human wellbeing as well as economic gain. It is my goal to do well by doing good. I look to government to protect the environment, provide health care and housing as rights rather than privileges for all. I look to the government to guarantee employment for all people that can work. I do not see welfare as a good thing. If the government guarantees a right to work, there is no need of unemployment, welfare, or any other debilitating dependency imposed by the failures of the free market. In this setting, if a man or woman is unemployed it is by choice. As the consequence of a freely made choice there is no need of welfare.

Who tDF will vote for... John Kerry. Why? Because tDF voted for Nadar in the last election. The moral of the story: Anybody but Bush. Nadar became the unintended kingmaker: votes for Ralph unwittingly resulted in this nation's becoming the bully to be feared rather than a just neighbor that works for the benefit of all. From Nadar to the nadir: I think that Lady Liberty needs to have a Brazilian: No Bush!

Six Degrees of Separation… I was at E Elementary School today. I met a teacher that knows MM. We were chatting and she mentioned that she knew Dr. Howard W, AW's father, who was a professor at the university that she attended. The world is a much smaller place than any of us know. We are all interconnected. Not only do the choices that we make impact those that we know, but we also possess more power to influence how humanity shall care for this small planet than we ever imagined. I am amazed at how many people I have in common with people that I have only recently met. The world is much smaller than we have ever imagined.

Music that tDF enjoys... I am listening to Primus, Tommy the Cat, and loving the absurd non sequitur of the thing, that at Les Claypool's incredible bass work just pushes it over the edge.

That is enough for now... I remain only a fool dancing through the daze of this modern life.

October 10, 2004

Joy and Self

The only moments in which we are truly happy are those in which we forget ourselves. I think about the times when I have experienced joy, not simply the masturbatory gratification, but real joy, and have to agree: it was categorically when I had forgotten myself and was just being in the moment. No pretense of transcendence or enlightenment, those things place the ego in the center: just simply involved in being and finding that I was sublimely in joy.

The Greek term in the NT is “µετ’ χάρα.” It is used of saints and sages that forget themselves in the presence of the divine and simply let it be.

I think of those fleeting moments that make life bearable. They were in disparate contexts but shared the common denominator of finding myself forgotten in the experience:

  • Making love with MM
  • Playing my music when it is in the pocket and happening
  • Sailing
  • Being with my children
  • Cycling in the zone
  • Writing and losing myself in the beauty and wonder of language
  • Cooking a beautiful dinner
  • Teaching
  • An unintended and spontaneous act of kindness or compassion

The hard think is that in order to forget myself I can’t think about myself. Now this is where the whole thing becomes paradoxical: If I try not to think of myself I am thinking about myself. It can’t be forced. It can be learned, but I am a slow learner. It just happens. And there is the realization that there is something beautiful and good happening.

Ah, to live is such forgetful bliss. I wish you joy and peace.

But I am only a fool…

A blast from the past...

I used to be a pastor. I came across something I had written during those years as a teacher of the Word. I used to write well. This was written in December of 2000, as the church moved into Advent, the season of preparation that preceeds Christmas. Enjoy, good and gentle readers...
- TDF



Sometime around 30 AD there arose in Palestine an itinerant preacher. He spoke his message to whomever would listen, whether Judean or Gentile. This preacher spoke of God’s impassioned care for the poor and our calling to love in thought, word, and deed. He claimed that love was superior to empty observance of religious obligation. He healed the sick and gave hope to the despondent. He drew the attention of the local religious and military authorities as well as that of the crowds that clamored to hear and to hang onto each word. The word he preached was radically simple: love your enemy, pray for those that persecute you, love God above all and your neighbor as yourself. His career lasted no more than three years and ended with his execution. The Roman authorities tried him and found him guilty of insurrection and incitement of the masses. He might have been forgotten had his story not resonated in the hearts of those whom his preaching had touched. It is his Advent that we celebrate at the dawn of a new millennium and his story that we tell.

Advent is the season of hope. Hope is the attitude of faith that looks toward the future trusting that it will be brighter than the present. It is repentance from cynicism and despair; it is faithful affirmation that God’s good and perfect will for the creation might be accomplished in us. To this end we pray, “thy will be done,” trusting that the one to whom we pray is able to meet our prayers with good results. Our faith rests on a history of promise and fulfillment, each bringing us closer to the final day when Christ will come in beauty and in power to share with us the great and the promised feast. In this interim moment while we stand between what the prophets dreamed and what will be, we hope for hope's fruition.

More than anything, hope makes the story of this itinerant preacher real in our hearts. We claim to know him through the power of the words that he spoke which have been repeated for nearly two thousand years. We come to trust him because his word is worthy of confidence. We look to the past and see how his birth to a virgin mother calls us to either trust in the promise or to dismiss the premise as superstition unfit for this postmodern age. Trusting, we see and love the child and grow to love the man. Listening, our ears strain to hear the echoes of the angelic host, singing “Glory to God on high and on Earth peace to those who enjoy God’s favor.”

But mostly, we hope.



Indeed... I wish I could believe this now. Do I dare to hope?



Incomplete History

All history is incomplete. The telling of a story is an act of definition and therefore exclusion. How the story is told, whose stories are included, are all part of the process that deems importance and sets a trajectory of the communal memory of a people. I was reading Zinn's history of the American people. It is told from the perspective of the "underclasses" and attempts to bring an unabashed leftist lens to the heuristic task. While I read it occurred to me that the heuristic task is complicated by the loss of memories that may give significance to documents, events, and people that were "in reality" - a problematic phrase - significant in the moment. History can record events, attempt to reconstruct motives and means, articulate sequence and ascribe meaning. But it is never complete.

This does not mean that historians are not doing thorough work or that history is somehow flawed. It is simply the nature of the art. I like the image of a trellis. I can follow the growth of a vine, tracking its changes and meanders over the trellis. I can observe its inter-relations with other vines, but I cannot catalog the whole experience of the whole because there are events that are speculative and remain unknown, many of which may be significant. What of the trellis itself? How could this have changed the life of the vine? I may speculate and extrapolate, but if I am to be a good historian I must note that I am engaging in speculation (however well informed).

History is as incomplete - and as valuable - as the memories of the people whose past it seeks to memorialize. How we got here is as important as that we are here. What we will do will depend by and large on what we did. The past is the fountain from which the present flows.

I recall when I was in grad school I took a class in historiography, the art of writing history. There have been attempts to present "objective" histories. These become little more than recitations of dates. That, to my mind, is not the art of history. History is the willingness to ask what happened and why. It is attempting to understand not only the sequence but what motivated the whole thing. Consider the American Revolution: We forget that this was an issue of controversy in the colonies as well as in England. The "Founding Fathers" had no idea how the damn thing would turn out. There was no certitude and there was certainly no consensus as to what the new nation(s) should be. All could have been hung for treason. None lived with the knowledge that they would be victorious. There was no doubt a synergy of events, most of which are unknown to us, that allowed the course of history to run in the direction that it did. What were these events? They remain lost in the mist of memories forgotten.

I tend to believe that all human knowledge is tenuous. We know only partially and never with absolute certitude. Much of what we "know" is simply the consensus of convenience. "Turtles all the way down... " because we cannot propose a better explanation. For years the conventional wisdom was that the world was flat. That made sense. Looking toward the horizon the curve of the earth could not be imagined. And when water runs over a sphere, it does not cling evenly. Gravity was known but not understood - not that we understand it now - in the context of planetary orbits around a star. It is all too easy to think, how quaint of them, poor ignorant bastards, they didn't know. But what would it look like if it were flat? All things being equal, the simplest explanation is probably the best.

But not all things are equal. And indeed we do not know all.

But we keep asking...

October 05, 2004

The Truth is a Lie

Orwell was correct. The person that controls the perception of the past will control the future and with the future the present. The key is how to spin what has happened. The perception is more powerful than the objective reality. The sound byte is the triumph of the subjective.

Why do I mention this? It is not just that I am concerned about the loss of life in Iraq and wonder just how long we will continue to buy oil with the blood of soldiers. We claim to honor the commitment that brave - if ill informed - young people make as they promise to place their wellbeing second to that of their comrades and country. The question that vexes me is how we can justify the death of one soldier so we can drive SUVs and act as if oil were an American entitlement?

The president lied to the nation. That is clear and incontrovertable. What is more troubling is that we are as guilty as he for the deaths of our sons and daughters.

We are guilty for buying into an economy that requires us to use fuels that are environmentally contraindicated. It is not only the method of extraction of crude that violates the pristine earth from which we all originate. It is also the by-products of its combustion that are odious. But more than that, we are buying oil with blood. Wars since the First World War had the acquisition of oil as a goal of battle. But most damning is the fact that we are willing to believe the lie to sustain an unsustainable dependence on oil.

The only reason that Bush can control the past, and with it the future, is because we let him pass off lies as truth and make no effort to hold him accountable. There is passive guilt and active guilt. Active guilt would be the person that commits an action. Passive guilt is that which allows something to happen without saying a word or lifting a finger to stop the harm from happening.

We are as guilty as Bush. Bush lied, but we support the lies by demanding bigger and more powerful machines that consume more gas. Is it not in our self-interest to divorce ourselves from oil and learn to use power that is greener and therefore less apt to require wars with all of its terror and destruction to obtain?

Ah, but I am only a fool...

October 02, 2004

All is Fair in Love and War?

I have been thinking about what constitutes fairness of late. The most common answer is equal distribution. Everybody gets the same. The playing field is leveled and there are no questions about an unfair external advantage. While this is very egalitarian, even aspiring to noble, I fear that it is ultimately naive. Fair is not everybody getting the same portion of available resources; fair is everybody getting what they need.



I suppose that the idea of fairness itself is the real naivete. Really, since there are not unlimited resources to divvy out according to certified need - a whole other problem to be addressed, what constitutes real need? - it is not a question of providing resources in any fair manner, but in a less egregious manner. The reality is that some people have greater needs than others. Some of those needs can be met others cannot.Aw, come on, Pablo... would it REALLY hurt to smile? The best distribution is one that regards the core values of the society and distributes per need based on those values. Accepting, for a moment, that we value all life, we have to ask whether we value some life more highly and why. The classic debate is found not with abortion - the life of the unborn child weighed against the life of the mother, or the impact on its quality if this child is born - but with regard to which lives are forfeit in this society. The life of a convicted murderer is reckoned as less valuable than that of the victim. A soldiers life is expendable - though costly and valuable - for the sake of a (hopefully) higher value. What of eugenics, the systematic and intentional elimination of weaker stock from the gene pool in the name of creating a stronger humanity?

Hitler, misreading Nietzsche, wanted to create an ubermensch by the elimination of lesser bloodlines from the alleged purity of the Aryan nation. The nationalization of any program of eugenics seems to me to be an act of oppression based on arbitrarily legislated norms of human excellence. Why is white skin intrinsically superior to my olive skin? This is present also in Mormonism, though in recent years the doctrine that disallows entrance into Celestial Heaven (only Terrestrial and Telesial for me, I fear) for non-whites has fallen into disfavor. If the ultimate norm of what is fair is the wellbeing of the race, then the elimination of that which would dilute the race becomes the fair action. This twisted logic became the justification for the final solution of the Nazis and is still present in white supremacism as much as in any group that pretends that a language, skin color, sexual preference, or other measure makes for weaker humanity.



Is a level playing field fair? If I am in a wheel chair, stuck in the mud, it does not matter how level the field. I will always be at a disadvantage. It is not merely a level field that I would need to compete, I would need adaptations and modifications above and beyond the norm. What constitutes fairness in a land of limited resources?

I am not convinced that the good of the whole is the only measure that can be drawn. That it much too short sighted. If that were the case then all children with disability would be subject to removal from the gene pool (and perhaps the parents compelled not to breed further?). The obvious difficulty is that one cannot predict what gifts and what abilities a person will bring to the whole based merely on cognition or physical ability. I think that the ideal of fairness requires us to transcend what is good for the individual or the whole and look at values that go beyond the transient necessities that are perceived and judge on the basis of what affirms life itself.



Fairness, however a chimera it may be, still stands as a nearly platonic ideal that calls us to reach beyond our own needs and see that we are involved in humanity. That we see that any death diminishes us because, just a clod washed away from the main diminishes the whole, so does the passing of one person diminish me (apologies to John Donne) is the goal of fairness.

We reach beyond ourselves to make ourselves greater by giving all the more and in the act of kindness and generosity we become all the richer and find that resources that we never imagined are created in that act.

Ah, but I am only a fool...