MM left this morning for Las Vegas. She will be there for three days and I will be babysitting M and the beasts. I am exhausted and will spend much of the day catching up on sleep. Practicing and job-hunting will fill the other hours. I also have some paperwork that needs attention.
Now it is no secret that I have never liked Britany Spears. Here is a tidbit as interesting as the everchanging size of her boobs... apparently she is backmasking sexual innuendo. Imagine that...
Not a lot of interest today... just getting back on the bike and facing another day. Tally-ho...
Time passes... I spent much of the day at MM's home with M, her son, and his friend C. C is a good kid; I wonder if he is gay and hope that he has a good support system if he is. The kids here use "gay" and "homo" as generic adjectives to paint something as uncool or beyond redemption. We used to say, "that's jacked..." or something to that extent (I suppose that a seventies lexicon would be helpful); I am uncomfortable with using "gay" in that way, it is like saying, "that's awfully white of you..." C is like a diminutive Carson Kressley from Queer Eye. Nice kid, I just hope that if he does come out that his friends will not treat him like a freak. Kids can be very cruel.
I was ostracized for most of my youth: not athletic, not smart enough to be a geek, and a member of a small minority group on campus. I've commented that I am surprised that I did not turn into an axe-murderer. I understand isolation. While I have learned to develop good social skills, I still remain somewhat an island. There are parts of me that nobody has access to. I have been opening them to MM, but it is hard. There are times when I fall back into my pattern of believing that everybody that has ever loved me will eventually betray me.
It was hard for me to drive by the Gainey Winery. SL and I had our first date there. We went wine tasting. It was sweet. Now it is bittersweet... I drove MM past the church and showed her where I lived. I was glad to be with MM. Like MM, I know that I have to move on and even am embracing the future and all the possibilities that it brings, but not without feeling some sense of loss for what was and what might have been.
Watching Fleetwood Mac was almost an affirmation of the human heart's ability to recover from love gone awry. Lindsey and Stevie were friendly and even seemed to emmote some love for each other. The cynic in me says that this may be an act; I saw the Rumour's tour and how each was stepping on the other. I hope it is not an act. Even if it is, it is a metaphor for what hope may bring.
I had a strange dream, especially since I was in MM's home. I think passing through my old home brought much of it back. I was startled when MM woke me. It was as if I was back when things between SL and I were good. To have awakened in the present was difficult. I love MM, that is not at issue. It was just as if things had been good between SL and I. Seeing MM was real, as our love is real. This is the road that I have taken. Thanks be to whatever gods there are that MM is beside me on this road.
I have read some other 'blogs. It amazes me what we post on the web. Amazing what we will say when we are certain that we will not be known. The Romans used to say, in vino veritas; perhaps we now need to say, "in comfortable anonymity there is truth." But how can there be truth if it is not attributable? Am I not accountable, with my name and myself, for the trust and the truth that I speak?
- tdf
