This is a post that I had written several days ago. I had intended to publish it after chatting with MM about our relationship. It was part of my thought process and, I thought, presented were I was. MM came over and he had a rather spirited discussion. We are trying to work it out. Needless to say, this is a shift from the thought that is recorded below. I post this almost as an archival note to myself. I am cautious, but hopeful that MM and I will work out our issues and find a way to be. We made love on Saturday, after we spoke, I ate dinner with her last night at her home, as well.
I am hopeful. Optimistic, but cautious. Day by day trust will grow and we will find our way. There are things that I never do, but for this woman that I love...
We are together again (still?), and I am relieved.
I am hopeful. Optimistic, but cautious. Day by day trust will grow and we will find our way. There are things that I never do, but for this woman that I love...
We are together again (still?), and I am relieved.
- tDF.
I am coming into the realization that I have to move on.
Those words look stark as I type them. I had dinner with MM and invited her back into my place. We sat for an awkward hour; former lovers now uncertain of our status. She took a tab of her heart medication, noting that she was having anxiety induced arhythmia I was struck by how familiar and how surreal the whole moment was. It seemed that I was somehow unattached to the moment as it passed into memory.
I walked MM to the car. She wanted a hug. I couldn't. There seemed to be something too much like a past that is beginning to fade. Like a dried rose is a shadow of a beauty that was but is nothing more than a shell, so it seemed to me tonight. I wish her no harm, but I don't see how I can return to what was.
I remember writing to her not to use the language of termination unless she was in earnest and this was what she wanted. Monday night she told me that she thought it was what I wanted, so she was trying to find the easiest way out for both, thinking that I would not make the first move. She told me that she was afraid that I would "berate" her and did not want to sit through that. I was stunned. I had issues with our relationship but wanted to work them out. In the balance of things, there was more that I felt was good that made the relationship worth fighting for. All of that was nullified with her email.
I have to be able to trust her. She did much to help me. There is no denying that. I do not understand how she could have so quickly ended things and then want them back the same. She kept saying that she missed me. I miss her. But I need to trust her and that was lost. I feel betrayed. I wished that she had spoken to me, taken the risk that I was a person of good faith and meant what I wrote and said. Finally it comes down to the realization that she did not trust me to be what I claimed to be. Perhaps this is my failure. I can't say, it is too soon.
I wanted to talk to her about some of these things this evening. The restaurant seemed to be the best place, until it became unusually crowded. I then thought to do so at home. Then her arhythmia struck. I need to have this conversation soon. I do not want to do so on the phone nor do I want to send an email or have her read about it on this blog. [ Note: This entry will be stored as a draft until I have spoken to MM.]
So Where Does that Leave Us?
There is the question that needs an answer. I do not see us continuing as lovers. That would feel artificial. This happened once before. AW, who I mentioned in a post some months ago, broke of our relationship and then wanted to reinstate it. I tried to make it work, but the damage done to trust made that impossible. We tried, but it seemed to be a cheap facsimile of the relationship that had preceded our breakup. I recall her coming into my house and trying to tell me what was on her mind. I looked into her brown eyes and said, when she said she did not have words, "You are trying to find a way to say that we have come to an end." We made love and she left. Weeks later she called and wanted to try again. I tried. But it was not the same. Love, it seems, is very fragile and once it is broken it cannot easily be mended.
I have tried to see us getting back together, MM and I, but cannot see how I can be comfortable knowing that she did not trust me and now I have reason not to trust her.
MM wanted not to be hated. I do not hate her. She wants us to be friends. I would like that to work, but am not certain how to make the transition. I felt so hurt on Monday that I was certain that that was no way that I could be a friend. I still hurt, but it is not so onerous, so raw. I am certain that I will feel an emptiness for weeks, months to come.
The funny thing is that this has caused me to wonder if I have gotten over all of the pain and leftover suspicion that followed my last divorce. SJ was less than honest with me. She betrayed my trust and went behind my back to find a way out of the marriage, all the time swearing to me that she was committed. Why do the women that I love seem to feel that they cannot say what they mean? Why is is that the backdoor path or the path of passivity seem to be the best choices?
What to Do Now?
I am not certain where I will go. I have no real pattern following the ending of a significant relationship. LA and I parted and I started dating all too soon. I was so afraid of being alone that I ran into the arms of the first woman that I met. It was too soon to be healthy. I have gone the "pig" route where I fucked as many women as I could (not going there again). I have done celibacy (equally unattractive). I am just not certain what I want now. I think that I will pursue friendships, but nothing more. If there are "benefits," so much the better. But I am not looking for that alone, and certainly don't want that to be an expectation. I also want to be able to say, "no thank you" and not weigh now a friendship with expectations that I am not able to fulfill at this time of my life. This means honesty on my part.
I just don't see MM and me returning to what was. It is a loss for me. But what is lost has already passed out of my fleeting possession. I won't cling to memories and broken dreams. I need to heal and to live. I will mourn its death and recall that, even in resurrection, Christ bore the marks of the nails: redemption came at a cost and its scars never heal.
So What Do I Think Will Happen?
I need to sit down with MM sooner rather than later and have the conversation to say what I feel. I don't see us ever returning to the way things were. I still love her, but trust is broken. I think that we need to find a different way of being that is both personally and professionally appropriate, respecting both of our roles in the school district and as individuals. I told MM that I will only speak well of her professionally and privately. I will keep that promise. I hope that we can develop a friendship that allows us to see one another and still be supportive of each other. I think that is the best that can be expected, the best that can be crafted out of the situation as it has developed.
