After my asking about the nature of morality I find myself asking about the nature of love, specifically my love-life. It is time for a bit of introspection, time to check in with my heart to see how life is with me. More introspection, more self examination. Not always a bad thing, that. Here goes…
For the last ten months I have been involved with MM. She and I have very little in common, really. What surprises me is that with so little in common that we find so much to love in the other. I love MM and she does me. I am aware, however, that I have relationship goals that she does not share. She is only a couple of years out of a 22 year long marriage. I have been single longer than I was ever married. She wishes to have solitude. I want a partner in all facets of my life. This is the nub of the issue: We have different goals, wants, and desires.
What is good about our relationship? There is much to list.
- We care for each other deeply.
- We share concerns about children in our community.
- We accept each other as is. I don’t ask her to change; she does not ask me to change.
- We both are given to long periods of quiet and introversion.
- We are generous with each other.
- We are committed to each other.
- We have a wonderful sex-life.
What do I like about MM?
- Her quiet edge – she has an impish non-conformity about her that manifests itself in fun ways (purple hair, large snakes and dogs).
- She accepts me as I am – no small feat, that.
- She listens.
- She is caring.
- She is a damn good teacher.
- Her laughter.
Now for what is harder to list. What I would like to change or dislike about our relationship. This is hard to put down. I know that I am responsible for much on this list. I don’t want to cause pain, but I need to think this through.
- We have differing goals: MM is more materially oriented than I am. She wants to be together, but not too much so.
- We have profoundly different needs: She needs silence, I need music. She needs to be allowed not to say anything, I need words. She needs to be in her space; I would like to be in mine more often or to have a common space.
- She does not want to share her home with anybody else; I am tired of living alone.
That all having been said, there are other things that require reflection: an example occurred today (12/12): we had agreed to spend Saturday doing what both of us needed to do. Sunday was to be our day together. MM decided that she needed to spend time alone. She did not make any effort to communicate this to me. I wasted the whole of the morning and part of the afternoon trying to contact her. Then I was blamed because it was all about “me” and “my” plans. I understand that no relationship is without its bumps. This sort of passive aggression is something I find despicable – it is one of the things that I simply refuse to tolerate. She did what her son does: rather than address the issue, throw up a distraction. I won’t tolerate that. I have no objection being called an asshole so long as the facts are accurate.
All that would have been needed would have been a phone call or an email saying that she needed to take some time for herself. She did not answer the five phone calls that I made (two on the cell, three on the landline). When I finally did reach her, she was downright rude on the phone. She elected to go to an event that we were going to go to together. It may say more about me than her, but I was really frustrated and somewhat hurt by that. Blown off, again.
The other issue that causes me no small amount of concern is that I am falling into the role of disciplinarian for her son. This is a role that is not properly mine and that I do not wish to fulfill. I will support unequivocally but do not feel that I should be placed in this role. MM has done what I have seen several single mothers do: let their sons rule the roost and then wonder why they have little control.
M (the son) made a comment that I would have taken him down for. I’m not certain what, if anything, MM did in response, if there were any consequences attached. No son should ever make comments about his mother's intimate life, much less using the word “fuck” to her face. I’m sorry, had I been there he would be missing teeth. There are some lines that should never be crossed. Having said that, I still do not want to be the disciplinarian, especially when MM does not appear willing to put a plan in place and work it. M’s grades are horrid, well below his ability. He lies regularly and with impunity. He is said by neighbors to brag about getting what he wants. Then he goes to church to make up for all of this behavior.
These are my major concerns.
Concerns that I have about myself in this can be summed up in one word: anxiety. We are either extremely supportive or extremely volatile with each other’s anxiety. As noted above, she needs silence; I need words. I have asked on numerous occasions for a word or a phrase saying that she needs time out. She seems unwilling or unable to do this. It is damn near impossible for me not to ask for words when I sense that she is slamming the doors on me (much like she did this morning).
It almost feels like we are nearing a crossroads. We both need to think about what we want. One day she asked if we were both on the same page about what she wanted. I responded honestly and said no. She got upset. I can’t lie. There is much that needs work, on both sides. I am certain that there are things about me that cause her as much consternation as I have narrated here. I make no claims of superiority or perfection. I am bad with money, have severe AD/HD, can be short-tempered and irritable, tend to be somewhat tunnel-visioned once I am convinced that I am right, and can be more than a bit acerbic.
I think that after the holidays that we need to sit down and consider what we want, what we feel is best, and what to do to achieve that. I am not throwing in the towel, quite the contrary: I want this to work. But I want it to work for both of us. We need to talk it through and see what the next stage shall bring.
