January 05, 2004

Dead before life's noon...

5 January 2004 - In the evening.

I just spoke to my daughter. She went back to work, following vacation with her mother and sister. She went in and her boss informed her that one of the children with whom she worked had been murdered by her mother. The kid was only four years old.

My daughter is a strong women. She is compassionate and intelligent. Death is a bitch, no way about that one. I was a clergyperson years ago. I was only 9 years older than she is now when I took over my first church. During that time I had to bury lots of people. The youngest being a child killed in an accident with farm equipment. I remember being torn between wanting to feel grief and being detached. This has remained an emotional dichotomy that has been part of my professional life since young-adulthood. I have always been involved in the helping professions. People die. It's part of the gig.

I could hear in her voice all of the confusion of how to feel that I felt: torn between wanting to cry and not understanding why it does not have as strong an effect as might have been expected. She called to tell me. She does not want to talk. I understand that. I left the door open to her to call back and will check in a day or two to see how she is doing.

Death is a bitch, with wings... and four is too damn young.

Montag Blau

5 January 2004

I am feeling a bit depressed this afternoon. That is nothing new. It is a cycle of life for me. I struggle with depression and at times have to just allow for it to be in the background, like a toothache or an allergy. For some people their depression is overwhelming and makes life itself overwhelming; thankfully I’ve not had that sort of episode for years (though I am aware that it can happen at anytime if I let it get out of hand). But today it is there, in the background, coloring everything I do and feel. I’ve learned to recognize the symptoms and what to do to take care of them. Allowed to get out of hand it can quickly take hold and begin a cycle of manic activity and deep depression.

I can't say how often I've heard, “Get over it, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself… it's nothing.” Maybe, but I doubt it. I do know that I can get past this and that in a day or two will feel better. I’ll not allow this to take control nor will it stop me from doing what I’ve set out to do today. But I have to begin by saying the words, “I am feeling depressed today.” I am not asking for sympathy or for anything. It is a simple reality. I say it for my sake, to name the demon.

I am almost like an addict: “I am powerless over (name the drug of choice)…” The addict makes a choice not to use in that moment. That is power. If the addict chooses to use, then the consequences follow. For me, it is too easy to allow myself to fall into depression. I have to choose to admit that it is like a black dog biting at my heels and choose to keep it at bay. None of this is really new: the power that I have lies in the ability to recognize what is happening and what I need to do to overcome it. It took years to develop this skill. I was fortunate, not everybody can or does (I don’t know which).

For some pharmacological therapy is indicated. For those for whom they are effective they can literally be life-savers. I tried the drugs. My physiology is such that I am the one in a million that will have the strange side effect. Welbutrin turned me into a raging mad-person. Worse than anxiety! I remember screaming to call the physician and desperately trying to get a grip watching the world spinning around me, all the time feeling more depressed and powerless - what a trip!. It is generally a good drug that holds folks together with no real side-effects. Celexa… I felt like I was stoned and the world was moving in slow-motion. My mind was numb and I was almost narcoleptic. They work for most, for me, no.

I don’t drink when I am depressed. I don’t do anything that would allow the mood to deepen. This means that I may have to impose a structure that allows – forces? – me to remain active. So it is… I am dealing with depression today. It will pass. I won’t let it have the upper-hand.

Ah, but I am only a fool…