MM came over to the house, following a phone conversation. She said that she wanted to have a “heart to heart” with me. I’ve learned that this means that new games have been devised – our history is difficult to ignore. I thought that, since she wanted to come to my home earlier than our dinner that there was something afoot. Really, she did me a favor: my life is much simpler. She is history.
Moment of Clarity
Alcoholics that are coming to a place of recovery have described a “moment” of clarity when the path is clear and a choice needs to be made. I had mine today. I have decided to cut all ties to MM. I am better off for it. Having spent the last few days rereading the sad chronology of our past, coupled with today’s conversation have led me to the point that I could never have reached before: I am better off without her.
MM came to the house to announce that she wanted to be just friends. Now, on the surface this can seem like all I wanted was sex from her. This is not the case. Read on, gentle reader, and withhold judgment. MM had called me on Saturday to tell me that I was the one that she longed for and that I was the one that she loved. After that, she told me that she wanted to be with me, but not exclusively. I accepted that – given my history, I could not do otherwise, though I would have considered monogamy with her – and she told me that I was the primary relationship. Today, she comes into my house to announce that this is a page from her past and that she wants us to be friends. I thought for a moment and then saw it: she is a lying, manipulative, low-life unworthy of my affections.
I told her to lose my phone number. I actually feel relief, not grief.
MM has a long history of lies and games, though she denies that she is manipulative. Her standing exculpation, excuse to make it all fine, is “look at my intentions… I didn't mean to...” I’ve come to a place of no longer caring about her “intentions” and focus solely on behaviors and their impact on the people around her. Since I was the person being impacted, I decided that my wellbeing was more important than her intentions. I have no more energy for her lies, manipulations, passive aggression, games, and general bullshit. As far as I am concerned, she has become a bad memory. I am done.
Harm Caused
Because we met when I was a student observer in her classroom, there was a power differential that she never quite let go of. An example: I needed a letter of recommendation from her. She refused for three weeks, then sent an unsigned letter (as near to useless as possible). When I noted that the letter was unsigned, she finally provided a signed copy that was lukewarm, at best. The fact that I had to wait three weeks for her to provide what should have been given the day my obligation ended (almost a year ago) cost me a job. I could not turn in an application. But, she was feeling "overwhelmed" at my request and just couldn't be bothered. Too bad for me... She "didn't mean me any harm..."
A neighborhood spat cost me over $2000.00 when her neighbors had my car towed. She made peace with the person involved, but never raised the issue of the monetary damage that it caused me. I was supposed to be quiet and happy that she was feeling better. When I confronted her, she acted hurt, as if I should be happy that the tension level was now lower. They make peace, I get screwed. But that's fine in her view.
This is nothing in comparison to hearing about how she was sleeping with a new guy that – in her words – complained that she was not good in bed, that she gave poor head. Now, who tells a friend that was a lover these details? What type of low-life does this? I have come to the conclusion that she does not deserve me. She has more money than I do – an inheritance – but not nearly the class that I have. An aside: any person who chooses a loser like that deserves what she gets and is clearly unworthy of my affections.
What Now?
I work in a small community. There is no way not to see her on occasion. I will be polite and courteous, as I always am. But warm? Never. I want never to have to associate with this woman. She has left a trail of emotional wreckage in her wake. Her parting shot, “Why won’t you support me in becoming the person I can be?” My response, “Because I no longer care about you. Do us both a favor, lose my phone number.” And she left.
And I am relieved.
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