July 31, 2004

The Games We Play...

I was listening to the radio, All Things Considered, driving home from the supermarket. There was a report on video games. The chap chatting was bemoaning how violent the games had become and how much more he enjoyed a good biblical game. The game that he cited was Grand Theft Auto. I will grant you that this is a particularly violent game. The person being interviewed had a valid point: the game is about mayhem and violence and it does tend to make a hero out of those that would employ senseless violence for their own greedy aims. The standard question of values and violence was raised.

Later, I was at MM’s home her son, M, enjoys GTA and I have watched him playing this and other games where mayhem and violence are considered the norm. I have found myself spellbound by the games, almost like somebody witnessing a train-wreck or some other horrific activity and feeling powerless either to stop it or to stop watching. I am just not certain that the bible is a safe haven from violence. A short digression is noteworthy here: I have always been amazed at people that say that all of the violence is in the Old Testament. Have they never read the gospels or the apocalypse?

I think that we are by nature prone to violence and mayhem. It is part of our psyches. We live to compete, to be the best, to be the survivor. But simply because something is in our psyche does not mean that it needs to be part of our lives. We can overcome our base urges and become something that is beyond what we are. The lowest common denominator of human experience is not all that we can be. It is where we begin.

I still dislike violence. Maybe it has to do with the amount of violence that I experienced as a child. I grew up in fear for my life. Whether this fear was well grounded or not, it was very real to me. I was constantly humiliated by my parents and peers. There was no real safe ground for me. I never quite grasped why the very people that were supposed to love and nurture me felt is so necessary to beat me down, either emotionally or physically.

I became angry at M today when he was mouthing off. He had an attitude all evening and wanted me to join in his cause. The truth is simple: forced to make a choice between M and his mother, MM, I will side with his mother. But I would rather not be put in a position of having to make a choice. We went to pick him up from a swim-party. He had used profanity with his mother when she did no answer her cell-phone quickly enough to suite him. That is simply not done. When, finally, we found the house where he was his tone was well beyond my liking. I directed him to watch his tone and he repeated the offense. I made it clear through both my tone and use of decibels that this was not acceptable to me.

While I felt that I was justified in my anger, I wonder if it was the best and most effective way to communicate my displeasure with a disrespectful child. I wonder what has become of courtesy and respect. I refuse to watch MM being treated in a way that is simply not acceptable.

There are those that would contend that my response was violent because I did not calmly request more appropriate behavior. True, I demanded it in no uncertain terms. Violence? I do not doubt that M felt attacked. I tend to think that he has been mollycoddled and has an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Sadly, this is true for much of his generation. I used to think that we Baby-Boomers were the massive ego-maniacs; maybe it is just my age, but I wonder why behavior that would be considered merely civil in the past is becoming so passé.

It would be too easy to blame it on the games we play: Grand Theft Auto is to blame. But who made those games and who purchased them? We did. I think that the solution is in modeling peace, respect, and justice and all the while not accepting less for ourselves or others. Yes, we are a violent species and are not afraid to destroy whatever we find disagreeable, if not literally than spiritually or psychologically. This is the base instinct that we all possess.

Are we not yet ready to overcome this predilection?

July 30, 2004

OK... So I was a bit preachy in my last entry...

I don't like tele-evangialists. That having been said does not mean that I am anti-chrisitian. I tend to think that the tele-evangialist, my buddy Pat Robertson - the subject of my last post - being only one example, is antithetical to Christian understanding of truth. Christianity is a diverse religion. I feel qualified to say this; I am a trained theologian (no shit, three advanced degrees beyond my BA). I have to confess a certain amount of cynicism toward the 700 Club and those who have used the faith as a means to justify financial gains based on the naive faith of those who may sincerely wish to walk in God's way.

The problem is that the guides that are leading these people are mistaken.

I am not a liberation theologian. But I have read the Old and New Testaments often enough to see what Vatican II called "God's preference for the poor." The idea of hording such property that well exceeds the needs of life resonates strongly in my thinking. I live modestly by American standards, but by the standards of the world I am among the richest of people. I have seen the poor in El Salvador, in Mexico, in the United States. I have worked in places that have guaranteed that I will never be rich. I cannot help but to be dubious and even offended by the confusion of material prosperity with the blessing of God. The Old Testament had plenty to say on that issue.

As for my faith, I am and remain agnostic. I don't know whether I consider myself to be a Christian, though I am more orthodox than I care to admit. I suppose that the proof of redemption is that pain can be transformed into compassion and empathy. I try to live this and trust that whatever gods there are will further my redemption. I don't worry about heaven or hell: I am more concerned with living well in this life.

I still think that Pat is a hypocrite. May the gods forgive me for my judgment and grant me wisdom to live in the light that I have been given the grace to see.

Ah, but I am only a fool...





I usually avoid posting copyrighted materials... this one was too good not to share. Click on the graphic to bring it to full and readable proportions. Visit the "For Better or For Worse" webpage for more info. - tdf

July 29, 2004

The Perils of Pat

I was listening to the radio this morning. There was a discussion of the meaning of earthquakes. It seems that Pat Robertson, the scion of conservative Christian paranoia, blamed the porn industry in Northridge and the San Fernando Valley for the Northridge earthquake. Apparently, God was unhappy with people filming their sexual exploits for others to masturbate by. It made me wonder if Pat had ever patted his monkey to a sexually explicit image – verbal or graphic – or engaged in any sexual peccadillo that would stray from a perfunctory fucking of his good lady wife – missionary position, of course – while being careful not to enjoy it too overly much or to engage in this activity too often.

I always thought that this sort of nonsense was the stuff of superstitious minds. Pat also claims to have prayed a hurricane away from the eastern sea-board. Thank whatever gods that there may be that this joker never succeeded in his aspirations for political office.

I just went to Marion Gordon “Pat” Robertson’s webpage… somebody hold me; it was scary. He claims to have been a swinger. The image of that man cumming is too much to bear, I may need therapy.

Apparently he did enjoy something of a sex-life. He claims to have been a wanton soul. Too bad God didn’t kill him because he was being naughty, just like the people in Northridge, whom he claims God killed with an earthquake because of the porn industry. Apparently they did not repent. Too bad for the innocent people killed, though. I’d bet that the kids that were crushed in the apartments that collapsed were really happy to have died a terrifying death because somebody liked to beat off to porn made in the San Fernando Valley. Such a profound mercy that kills innocent people because they like to play with themselves. What a terrible sin. It must be up there with – gasp – enjoying a meal. All of that is worst than, say, oppressing the poor or prosecuting an unjust war in Iraq because we could. Ah well, the Lord “wound and heals,” as the author of Deuteronomy would have it.

Maybe Pat has worshipped the phallic god more often than I would have considered probable. Seems his wife was seven months preggers when they married. An interesting, if biased, portion of an article is reprinted here for your reading amusement:

“Marion "Pat" Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition and the 700 Club, told Christian Coalition supporters at their 1998 Road to Victory conference in Washington D.C. that Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton is a , "debauched, debased and defamed" leader. Robertson called for the impeachment of Clinton. Marion said, "For nearly nine months, we have seen one man wreak havoc on our most noble office. For nine months, we have been mocked, demeaned, belittled and lied to. We have been forced, ourselves and our children, to endure an account so lurid that if it were made into a movie it would have been triple X-rated."

HYPOCRISY CHECK When Marion Robertson ran for President in 1988 he too lied to the media and American people about sex. In Robertson's case his wife and son were directly involved in the lie. For years he lied to people about the date of his marriage. According to the Religious News Service of October 9, 1987, when he married, his wife was already seven months pregnant. I guess he did a lot more than just the "laying on of hands!"

“If Robertson was elected President in 1988 should he have been impeached for lying to the American people?”

Source: http://www.deism.com/patspage.htm
Thanks be to whatever gods protected the USA that Pat did not get elected. Nixon, Reagan, Bush, and Bush II still tend to make me wonder. Look, I like sex. I’ve had several of partners and probably have done a couple of things that might make some people wonder. I can understand fudging the marriage license to protect the honor of his good lady wife. But to have done so and then to have the temerity to attack a sitting president for a blow-job? How to you spell hypocrite? P-a-t....but that is nothing when compared to his defense of his business partner, Charles Taylor – dictator of Liberia – when none other than the current President Bush criticized his leadership is. My source? That bastion of the fourth estate, CBS News.[Source: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/07/11/national/main562915.shtml ]:


"Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson accused President Bush of “undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels” by asking Liberian President Charles Taylor, recently indicted for war crimes, to step down. “How dare the president of the United States say to the duly elected president of another country, 'You've got to step down,'" Robertson said Monday on “The 700 Club,” broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network. “It's one thing to say, we will give you money if you step down and we will give you troops if you step down, but just to order him to step down? He doesn't work for us.” Robertson, a Bush supporter who has financial interests in Liberia, said he believes the State Department has “mismanaged the situation in nation after nation after nation” in Africa. “So we're undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels to take over the country,” he said in the broadcast.

"Robertson told The Washington Post in an interview published Thursday that he has “written off in my own mind” an $8 million investment in a Liberian gold mining venture he made four years ago, under an agreement with Taylor's government. “Once the dust has cleared on this thing, chances are there will be some investors from someplace who want to invest. If I could find some people to sell it to, I'd be more than delighted,” he said in the article. He said his investment was intended to help pay for humanitarian and evangelical efforts in Liberia. ..."


The article continues. So… Let me understand this: it is OK to topple Saddam but not Charles Taylor because Saddam is of the wrong religious persuasion and Charles is a good Baptist boy, even if he is thief, murderer, extortionist, and general no-goodnik. On Mr. Taylor, the BBC reported the following:

There is nothing this naturally confident man would like more than to strut the African stage playing the flamboyant statesman.

But thanks to a United Nations travel ban on him and his ministers, he has in recent years remained largely at home dealing with rebels and sulking about a world that in his view misunderstands his contribution to Liberian history.

The publication on Wednesday of a UN indictment for war crimes against him worsens his plight considerably.

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2963086.stm

Somebody help me out here… Maybe he should have stayed a “swinger”? The older I get the foggier it becomes. Damn, I wish I had my lucky rabbit mood ring. I could trust that…

But I am just a fool…

July 28, 2004

Music, Maestro, Please!

Back into the studio tomorrow to record more of my music.  I will be working on three songs and, hopefully, will be one tune away from completing this phase of the project. Those of you that have been following my 'blog - the faithful three of you - will notice that I've changed the musical selection on the 'blog.  I put Précis on in place of the older draft copy of Fade Away.  The new copy of Fade Away is so much better than the older one it was a shame to have the old one posted. 



Y-Quyen in the studio, just having recorded her vocals to Précis and Fade Away.

The order of songs on the album is tentatively set as follows:


    1. Précis
    2. Fade Away
    3. Don't Look Down
    4. Spots' Enigma (which may become simply "Enigma" on the album... I like the name Spots' Enigma, but it does not fit the flow of the thing.)
    5. Worn Out Shoe
    6. Woke Up Alone
    7. Fire and Ash
    8. But Not For Me
    9. Severe Mercy
    10. The Stream

There was another song, but it is not ready for recording.  I am not certain what I want to do with it.  I'd like to have another blues song that rocks a bit harder on the album, but not if it is not ready for distribution. 

I have begun the next phase of the work on my music project: chatting with the studio cats and getting them on-line to do some music.  I have also put together a webpage (see the link on the title) as part of the effort to locate musicians for a live band.  I know that MAS will not be up for that, as he has his own musical aspiriations to pursue.  Billy is not interested in touring, though I will have a conversation with him about this.  YQL, who does the vocals on Précis would be my first choice to front the band, but she also has other commitments. 

Busy, busy, busy...



I've just gotten back from recording. My wrist is throbbing. We got Don't Look Down finished, ready for the other cats to come in, and the guitar track for But Not for Me completed.  Woke Up Alone was the problem child. It sounded OK, but not good enough.

Next Wednesday I will be doing all of Woke Up Alone, the second guitar on Worn Out Shoe, the bass on But Not for Me and all of Severe Mercy.  That will be something of a marathon session.  There is a good sense of variety in musical forms on this record.  It is not a lack of focus, but a dedication toward embracing a diversity in music. 

Damn, my wrist hurts... I need to ice it and to take a shower.  It amazes me how much I sweat when I record.  I play live and I am more relaxed than I am when I sit down to put it down.  

On to dinner with MM...



I fell asleep. I was up late last night and up early - the carpet guy came to do the steam cleaning and I had to get ready for that - this morning. I am still tired. Just called MM, she is eating. I think that I will just open a can of soup or something easy and have a bite for dinner. I have to clean up and then it may be to bed early tonight.   I really stress when recording.  I can understand why some folk use chemicals to maintain their sanity in the process.  My wrist still hurts.  I will be happy to have this project wrapped.  But not really.  Damn, I am so sleepy.  I need to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.
 
That's all for now.  Shall continue later.

July 26, 2004

Personal Ads

I just stumbled upon an article on Esquire magazine’s webpage: brutally honest personals.  For reasons that elude me, people are posting ads telling how horrible they are in the hopes of finding a partner.  Reading through these is a bit like a train-wreck that you can’t take your eyes off of.  How many partners did you have?  The guys listed had low numbers, the woman that promised sex after a vodka and soda probably has had a few. 

I hated dating when I was trying to find somebody.  There is something absolutely uncivilized about the whole idea, not to mention the advantage that the extroverts have over we introverted folk.  I tried Lava Life and Match.com both and learned that it was very easy to get laid, especially by the women who were looking for a long-term, steady relationship.  There is something artificial about using the ‘net.  I never really had good success.  When I was in the depth of my sexual excess, I used to prowl through Tele-personals and usually could generate several partners per week from the long-term steady relationship category.  Ironic, huh?  It was clear that intentions were clear and one might think that the game-playing might be diminished because of that.  Still, I can’t say that I had good success with any of these services in finding a long-term love.  I think that what happens is that an image of the person is established and that flesh and blood cannot live up to the ideal that the mind has created. 

In all fairness, I have to say that I know people that have had good success with these services.  Looking at the questions on the form for the brutally honest personal ads is a bit like looking at my internal demons.  The Esquire webpage notes the following:

“If you still live with your mother, be proud of that. If your stomach hangs a bit over your belt, it just shows that you like food. If you've got a face made for radio, let us know. Anything is fair game, as long as it's truthful. The most important thing is to be as honest as possible and cover all shortcomings—financial, physical, emotional, etc. If you sound like a good fit for the feature, we will email you back.”

What would I write?

  •  Body Type – Hey, I’m forty-seven and have become a large land mammal.  I don’t get cold at night.
  • Emotional – I am very emotional, sometimes overly sensitive and prone to anxiety attacks (as noted in previous ‘blog entries), I had a history of anger, but have brought that under control.
  • Financial – Let us say that I am rebuilding… two divorces leave one somewhat broke.
  • Marriages – two failed.  I am a great boyfriend but apparently I am an inept husband.
  • Beauty – average on a good day, no sense of style. 
  • Sexual partners – 95-100? That is a fair estimate; I did go through a period of promiscuity but have come back to myself and am happily monogamous. Truth be known, I wished that I had only had one partner and that we could have been life-long. 
  • Drugs, alcohol – I used to enjoy a good deal of weed, but have been clean for eight months.  I just got tired of it, I have nothing against it.  I drink socially and enjoy a good beer or glass of wine.  I don’t drink to excess.  When I was younger I experimented with acid, but have not done that since the Santa Claus on the 101 was really pissed at me and began to chuck coal at me (sometime in the late 70’s).
  • Health – I’ve never had an STD.  I am in piss-poor condition, and need to begin to workout. 
  • Worst traits – I can procrastinate when I get around to it, am disorganized, and can’t find my sandals most of the time.

When I put it out there, I am amazed that a woman as classy as MM finds me attractive.  I know that all of us are more than the sum of our worst traits.  I guess for me it is the drive to be the man that MM sees in me that makes me work to be something better.  I looked at the ads.  I realized that I was better off than most of the men there.  Just like a train-wreck, I found myself looking and thanking whatever gods there are that I was not involved in it. 

So here I am, glad to be out of the dating pool and happily committed to this one woman that sees in me something worthwhile.  I don’t know why anybody would want to date based on their deficiencies.  MM sees and loves me for who I am, warts and all.  That is hard for me to believe at times; my incredulity can be overwhelming at times, but she still loves me.  Thank Christ that I walked into the place where we met…


 I am a lovesick fool…



July 25, 2004

Just one of God's little jokes...

There are many ironies, some bitterer than others, that make me feel that God has a perverse sense of humor.  My life is a study in God’s sick and twisted sense of humor.  I am usually up for a good joke, but when my life is the context for that humor I have to cry foul. 

Examples of some of God’s generic jokes:

  • A man reaches his sexual zenith around 18 years of age, generally an age spent soiling sheets alone, when a woman reaches her zenith around 40;
  • A platypus – a mammal that lays eggs and has a poison sting;
  • Martyrdom of any stripe;
  • Being fiercely attracted to a person that does not give a damn if you are alive;
  • Being created sexual beings and attending churches that decry sexuality as sinful (OK, that one may be just plain human stupidity);
  • So called acts of God;
  • Hearing that God is a god of love while thousands starve and we continue to feed our faces as if there was no tomorrow and we are entitled to hoard all of earth’s resources (again, maybe just a case of human stupidity)
  • Holy Wars; a contradiction in terms if ever there was one.

I was a Lutheran Pastor for more years than I like to think about.  The funny thing is that the greatest critique that could be leveled against me was that I was firm in my adherence to the Lutheran confessions.  God forbid that I be firmly part of a confessional movement within the church catholic, especially since I had taken vows to teach and preach in a manner that was congruous with the confessions.  What makes an effective pastor anyway?  Faithful service to God’s people or the generation of a membership list?  Another subject for another blog, just suffice it to say that I came to the conclusion that the church was corrupt to the core and that I wanted nothing more to do with it.  God may have loved a whore in the northern prophetic traditions; having lost two marriages to the church I was not ready to commit to a third.  Faithless?  A bitter question… who was faithless to whom?  And what of God, anyway…

Sitting in MM’s hot-tub she asked if S and I had a good sex life.  Yeah, we had a great sex-life.  We made love several times a day.  We just could not make it work with the pressures of my being the pastor and her past history of living in an addicted household.  Good sex is not what makes a marriage last.  Keeping faith with your partner is what makes any union last.  S could not and would not commit.  I did… my heart got broken by both the whoring Lutheran church and by S.  There is another of God’s little jokes: being faithful to faithless lovers.

God does not play fair. 

Look at the story of Israel who contended with the angel.  The angel, tiring of the struggle broke Israel’s leg and left him permanently disabled, marred from having dared to dance with God.  I, too, have contended with the divine and dare to say that God is unfair.  But, in all fairness –that being a human trait, not a divine ideal – I have to note that God never promised fairness or even justice in this life, just the promise of justification by grace and the hope for a better world.  God leaves being fair to us.  The rat-bastard…

My fundamentalist  friends would tell me that I risk hell-fire for that last paragraph.  I would observe that my comments are not only soundly biblical, but mild by OT standards.  I argue most with the people that I love… consider my anger at God as a family matter.  Granted, we may not be on speaking terms, but I am certain that God is big enough to admit the wrong done to me and my children and put right what was damaged. 

Life is one of God’s little jokes: we are young and have no idea what to do.  We gain experience and vision, and by then we are too damn old to do a fuckin' thing about it; it seems we have two lives: the one we learn with and the one we live. 

When I think about my relationship with MM I realize that we are already more married than most married couples.  I have no need of a document to certify what already exists in our hearts.  There is a depth to this loving tha far outpaces the time spent together.  When we met it seemed clear that we would be together (I say "soulmates," she is reticent to use that word; my heart knows, though).  I looked at her, she looked at me .  Our eyes met with that clear and powerful gaze that said, "Oh, there you are... been looking for you; glad to have found you."  It is still new, not yet six months old.  I know that there is much to come.  I dream of a day when we set up a home together and hope that it will be so, but not too soon.  We have much to learn and have to establish a history together before that step can be taken.  Maybe that is the redemption, the payback for all of God’s faithlessness? 

God does not play fair; but I'm told God's promises are kept...

 Ah, but I am just a fool.



July 24, 2004

Adult Alternative Music...

There is a category for everything…

It seems that art cannot exist on its own: there must be some sort of pat description to define what the listeners’ expectations may be of music. I was setting up my station on my computer. I wanted an eclectic blend: there are more types of music that I enjoy than I care to list or categorize. I’ve always said that there are two types of music: good and bad. Good speaks from the heart and is passionate, played with conviction and says something to the listener. Bad is insipid, no matter how well it is played. I don’t like genres overly much. Apparently, My music – which I hope is good – can be described as “Adult Alternative.” Yeppers, boys and girls, I’m in that category with Jewel, James Taylor, R.E.M., and the like. Even Norah Jones (shudder… the queen of insipid music) breathes that rarefied air of adult alternative music. Really, I just thought that the chords that I chose were pretty.

I set up an eclectic radio station with the available artists. I know that there is a certain irony in that statement; as eclectic as possible. I like hearing Prince then John Coltrane, then Fleetwood Mac, then Muddy Waters. All of that is cool and tends to support my basic contention that all modern music is born from the blues.

Yikes… there is a whole stream of music that has resisted categorization and has finally succumbed to the need to box, package, and sell… All of that altruism to hide my jealousy! I am an honest fool… especially after my rants about the nature of truth – which I still don’t understand.

Now that was an interesting segue: Art Blakely to the Eagles… random searches do not always do the best programming. I like both but juxtaposed? But they are both good music…

July 22, 2004

More thoughts on truth...

I am still thinking about truth and what makes truth. A couple of posts ago I noted context and then said very little about that; this is a difficult area for me. I am an ethical pragmatist: I believe in being honest but do not believe that everybody is entitled to the absolute truth. OK, if your head is spinning as much as mine as I read that last line, we are on the same page. It seems like a contradiction, I know. I have to say that I do not believe in absolute ethical imperatives; while I am not a pure situationalist, I do believe that we/I have to consider the context and how truth will be used before it can be told.

  • Consider the madman who demands to know where your children are so he may kill them. You know his intent. He is capable and will continue, as he is intent upon the death of your kids. Is he entitled to the truth?
  • Consider the politician that wants to be reelected and alters the facts of his or her history. Is that person entitled to change the truth?
  • Consider the physician who knows that your condition is extremely serious, but tells you that you stand a good chance to recover because the doctor knows that your attitude is central to your body's recovery process. Is that an acceptable lie?


What are the acceptable limits - if any - for a deception? I don't think that it is an issue of personal comfort, indeed the good is rarely comfortable. I think that the end is vital in understanding what can and should be said. What affirms life? What makes possible the best outcome for the most people? Certainly, there are situations that call for deception, war being the most obvious. But it seems to me that war is immoral by its very nature.

I think that there are times when deception is the best choice, but those times are few and far between. I do not think that it is a case of self-justification. The guy who does not tell his spouse that he is sleeping with somebody else because he will be divorced if she finds out is engaging in a lie, pure and simple. Why? Because he is breaking faith with his spouse. There is a promise made. Ignoring the promise is a reprehensible action. Deception to conceal the action is even more so.

So much to consider... and I, like Winnie the Pooh, am a bear of very little brain.

Writing sometime later in the day...

What about not telling the whole truth?  Omitting details or not declaring intention to conceal intent?  "You didn't ask, so it's not a lie..."  What is the role of candor in the discussion?  I tend to think that concealing by omission is not of the same order as concealment by deception, inclusive of the deception that there is not more information that is germane.  This is the sort of lie upon which our legal system is built, I'm afraid. 

More basic to that question, indeed the questions referenced above, is the utlization of the truth.  The moral question in the classic scenario of the madman intent on doing harm is whether a lesser evil is justified to assure a greater good.  To what ends will the truth be used?  If truth becomes a tool of "evil" does it remain truth or is a distortion of facts more congruent with the ideal of truth?  Finally, the question of definition is central.  The President of our nation lied.  This is nothing new; sadly, it is expected that our leaders will deceive us.  The President lied in order to prosecute a war in Iraq.  Thousands of people have died - and continue doing so - in a war that was predicated not on a clear and present danger that required immediate and forceful action, but the lies of a political leader.  Some people observe that the capture of a dictator justified the means of making war on a false pretense.  Did he lie?  Most assuredly. 

July 21, 2004

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas?

Apparently not... It seems that MM just lost control of herself in sin city. No, it was not a buff male dancer who could count to eleven if he took off his shoes. Neither was it the mortgage payment on the roulette table.

Here are her two St. Bernards, taken on Memorial Day...




She got another in Vegas and is having the doggie crated and shipped home with her. This makes THREE.

His name is "Rescue" and he is a long-haired Saint. She already has two. Now she has three of these gulumphing pea-brained curs in her yard. No, they are not the most graceful animals, neither are they the most intelligent: but to have one tenth the heart that they have...

There is a line in the movie "Harvey" that I have always liked: "To make it in this world you need to be oh so smart or oh so pleasant; I've tried smart, I recommend pleasant."

The author must have been thinking of a St. Bernard. I am trying to imagine this 110 pound woman walking 350 pounds of dog...






NOTE: I'm writing a day later. MM arrived back safely from Vegas. In her bag she had a Ty-Beanie Baby St. Bernard named, you guessed it, "Rescue." I fell for that one.
This is "Rescue" the St. Bernard. Slightly smaller than MM's Saints.
The Dancing Fool

July 20, 2004

Veritas?

It is said that Pilate, facing the soon to be crucified Christ, asked "What is truth?" He didn't stick around for an answer.

I've spend a couple of days thinking about what truth is and is not. It is obvious that mere facts do not constitute truth. Truth has more to do with choice than it does with accuracy. Indeed, a misunderstanding of the facts - a distortion based on honest perception - is no more a canard than it was to have said that the earth was the center of the universe. This statement was true, insofar as the context of human understanding certified them so to be. Never mind that it was ultimately incorrect. It was still truth.

Truth has to do with its context. This is significant to my thinking because it says that truth is not objective. It is the honest but subjective recounting of events free of any intention of distortion. The whole truth and nothing but the truth: to withhold or augment is to distort, to do so willingly is to create a canard. The facts can be accurate, but the deception remains real: hence a lie.

All of that is well and good, but what of eternal truth? Is there such a thing as an objective and absolute truth, one that is transcendent and universal? I don't believe that finite minds are capable of comprehending such a truth. So long as it cannot be observed and verified - no pun intended - it cannot be construed as universal. I would assume that such a truth must be singular: an absolute truth could not - by definition - allow for any other pretense to truth. It seems to be that the idea of truth is a penultimate ideal that cannot exist in eternal. Eternity is. Truth implies a duality, a lie or deception against which it is measured.

If truth is absolute, could it transcend itself? Could it be multiple and singular? I think of language as the metaphor for truth. Many languages describe the same idea; each language brings with it its own nuances and shades of meaning that set it apart from the rest. Each expression of truth falls short insofar as the nuances may illustrate one facet of that truth at the expense of another.

I think more basic is that there is no objective record or measure of truth: it is perceived by human minds that exist in the singular. They may be reflections of a universal mind but it remains to be seen if that mind is singular or diverse in expression. This raises serious questions for me as an orthodox Christian. We make absolute truth claims. The truth-claim is based on the presumption of specific and unique revelation of a truth (the incarnate logos). But this is subject to faith, to trusting the veracity of that revelation and it cannot be objectively proven. Fundamentalists be damned: the bible offers no proof that it is trustworthy. You accept it or you do not. That is an act of trust that is not based on any objective proof. If there were an objective proof faith would be unnecessary.

Ah, truth... there is no way of knowing. All ultimately is an act of agnostics seeking faith. We cannot know and thus are all unknowing. Are we fools because we believe? I think not; but it is prudent to leave open room for other expressions of God and the divine that differ from ours. We only see in part, and then only for a specific moment... and that moment is gone. All we have to rely upon is our memory and the memories of others that claim to have been touched by the hand of God.

Ah, but I am only a fool...

Trying to add new stuff...

I've tried to redo my blog so it will link to www.blogger.com to allow readers to peruse other blogs. I have to admit that there are more porn sites than I would have imagined. The is too bad, since the idea of blogging seems a way for anybody with access to a computer to post thoughts and contribute to a dialog on issues of interest. Smut, I suppose is interesting; really, though, do you want to watch Paris Hilton fucking? I don't - though I accidentally (REALLY - IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!) hit that link when I accessed the page with the current uploads. That accounted for it showing on MM's computer history. Yikes... At any rate, I really dislike the amount of porn on the 'net. I am not a prude. I just don't get the idea of being on-line voyeurs.

At any rate, I've put links to a random blog generator, blogsnob.com, which posts a random blog for your reading pleasure. I've also posted the "recently posted list" for this service. There is no endoresement of any of these implied... this is just a way to see what else is out there if it is of interest to my two or three readers. I've also posted a link to hear some of my music. It should show up as a toggle, and not begin automatically. Ah, the perils of HTML!

I have to say the song, Fade Away, is a sample from my demo of the tune. It is protected by all copyrights. Check out my webpage, www.pabloplasencia.com, if you want to see more (that's for both of you that read this).

Hoping your day is good... TTFN.
- tdf

July 19, 2004

Monday Morning...

It is Monday... MM and I went to see Fleetwood Mac last night. It was the last gig of their tour. The Mac played one helluva show. I was unsure how the band would do without Christie, but they were hot. They had two other precussionists, three back up singers, two extra guitars and one guy doubling on keys and guitar. I wonder what happens when the sound has to be thickened so. I thought that they sounded the best when it was just the four of them.

MM left this morning for Las Vegas. She will be there for three days and I will be babysitting M and the beasts. I am exhausted and will spend much of the day catching up on sleep. Practicing and job-hunting will fill the other hours. I also have some paperwork that needs attention.

Now it is no secret that I have never liked Britany Spears. Here is a tidbit as interesting as the everchanging size of her boobs... apparently she is backmasking sexual innuendo. Imagine that...

Not a lot of interest today... just getting back on the bike and facing another day. Tally-ho...

__________ _____ __________


Time passes... I spent much of the day at MM's home with M, her son, and his friend C. C is a good kid; I wonder if he is gay and hope that he has a good support system if he is. The kids here use "gay" and "homo" as generic adjectives to paint something as uncool or beyond redemption. We used to say, "that's jacked..." or something to that extent (I suppose that a seventies lexicon would be helpful); I am uncomfortable with using "gay" in that way, it is like saying, "that's awfully white of you..." C is like a diminutive Carson Kressley from Queer Eye. Nice kid, I just hope that if he does come out that his friends will not treat him like a freak. Kids can be very cruel.

I was ostracized for most of my youth: not athletic, not smart enough to be a geek, and a member of a small minority group on campus. I've commented that I am surprised that I did not turn into an axe-murderer. I understand isolation. While I have learned to develop good social skills, I still remain somewhat an island. There are parts of me that nobody has access to. I have been opening them to MM, but it is hard. There are times when I fall back into my pattern of believing that everybody that has ever loved me will eventually betray me.

It was hard for me to drive by the Gainey Winery. SL and I had our first date there. We went wine tasting. It was sweet. Now it is bittersweet... I drove MM past the church and showed her where I lived. I was glad to be with MM. Like MM, I know that I have to move on and even am embracing the future and all the possibilities that it brings, but not without feeling some sense of loss for what was and what might have been.

Watching Fleetwood Mac was almost an affirmation of the human heart's ability to recover from love gone awry. Lindsey and Stevie were friendly and even seemed to emmote some love for each other. The cynic in me says that this may be an act; I saw the Rumour's tour and how each was stepping on the other. I hope it is not an act. Even if it is, it is a metaphor for what hope may bring.

I had a strange dream, especially since I was in MM's home. I think passing through my old home brought much of it back. I was startled when MM woke me. It was as if I was back when things between SL and I were good. To have awakened in the present was difficult. I love MM, that is not at issue. It was just as if things had been good between SL and I. Seeing MM was real, as our love is real. This is the road that I have taken. Thanks be to whatever gods there are that MM is beside me on this road.

I have read some other 'blogs.  It amazes me what we post on the web.  Amazing what we will say when we are certain that we will not be known.  The Romans used to say, in vino veritas; perhaps we now need to say, "in comfortable anonymity there is truth."  But how can there be truth if it is not attributable?  Am I not accountable, with my name and myself, for the trust and the truth that I speak? 

- tdf


July 17, 2004

A couple of random thoughts...

It is a beautiful day… The sun is shining and life is good in Ventura.  I’ve just fed A’s snake, Cuddles.  She was a hungry python.  The poor mousie had no idea what hit it.  I try to keep her mice calm; I don’t want them to suffer unduly.  Sometimes it is hard to watch the snake do what snakes do, but this is what and how they eat.  I just at a sandwich that had meat in it.  I can’t really draw any moral distinctions between what I ate and how the snake eats.  For one life to live, another dies.  That is the cycle of life.  We live now.  We die later.  Other life takes our place.  And it remains a beautiful day.
 
I went over to MM’s home this morning to make breakfast for her and for her son.  She has a migraine.  Food… the all purpose cure for what ails you.  Again, something had to die so we could live.  I prepared the meat, without any real concern for how the cattle died whose muscles I seasoned and cooked up, in a very savory manner, I might add. I had tried to be vegetarian once.  The whole thing seemed ludicrous to me.  Vegetable life remains life.  It does not possess self-awareness in the way that we associate with animal life.  But does that make it less a form of life to be treated with respect? 
 
I am gathering laundry to do at MM’s home.  I will play some guitar, too.  I want to begin some planning for post-production of the CD.  I’ve thought about it.  I want to gig.  I want to recoup my investment.  Beyond that, I’m not certain.  I need to put a band together and do all of the stuff that appertains to that. 
 
It is warmer than I like, today.  I am uncomfortable in the heat.  I like it to be cooler.  Days like today I usually seek out the relative comfort of Barnes and Nobles. Lots of people to chat with, books, music.  It works for me. 
 
I had mentioned that I would post some more of my favorite musicians’ sites.  Here are a few that are not so well known, but worth listening to:
 

Charles Law and Jagged – this guy mistreats a Martin guitar like you have never heard.  The do a kick-ass set and are as original as they come.  Cowboy Funk.  Damn fine music.
 

Benise – This is Flamenco that meets smooth jazz.  Again, incredible musicianship, original music. 
 

Matthew Alan Stuart – my buddy MAS does new-age music.  I would ignore this recent deviation into pop music.  His original stuff is stellar. 
 

Let's see how moral I am, shall we... Check out my Morality! 81% liberal, 19% conservative As if there was a doubt!


This is a recent picture that I am thinking of using for my webpage... I have some doubts. It looks like I am upset and my left eye is really exagerated here.


I suppose all that is left is the memory of our having been here… It remains a beautiful day.  Do live, laugh, and love today. 


 - tdf

Listening to music my mind wanders...

I’m listening to Frank Zappa’s classical music.  He once said that a composer is a man that imposes his will on unsuspecting sound waves often aided by unsuspecting musicians.  I never saw Zappa.  I wish I had.  This composition, Civilization Phaze III Act One, is non-linear.  It reminds me of John Adams, or of John Cage , maybe Christopher Rouse.  Some of it is in a similar vein to Erik Satie’s ambient music.  There is much beyond the music: it was a pantomime that included dance.  It almost seemed to be a scored and controlled version of theatre of the absurd
 
Whatever it is, it is genius. 
 
Theatre of the absurd:  the idea that there is no meaning, God is dead and life is just something we do to postpone our own annihilation.  The nonsensical dialog that reminds one of a Marx Brothers’ movie becomes the paradigm for the dialog of the actors on the stage.  Much of it is confrontational, demanding that the viewer participate in the event.  It the only proof of our own existence is emotional response then anger and love are the same.  Hatred and compassion melt into one act of evoking a response.  What is poetry?  Whatever the hell the poet says it is.  There is an act of petty divinity. 


Albert Camus  said: “The absurd is born out of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.”  We are creatures that demand communication.  We have minds that begin to imagine and grasp realities that exist beyond our experience.  But we falter when we can imagine, but not communicate.  It is as if we, as a species, are autistic. 

That’s why I wear my lucky rabbit mood ring.  It gives me meaning.


Really, how does that differ from any other object of faith?  Money has value because we have agreed that it does.  Moral force is the consequence of consensus.  My perceptions are real to the degree that I experience them and interpret that experience. This is no mere solipsism:  your reality can coexist with mine.  I can be the center of the universe, you can be its nemesis. 

I like my lucky rabbit magic mood ring.  It turns colors to indicate the heat in my hand, which in turn can be interpreted to indicate what mood I am in.  No emotional baggage, just empirical observations that originate from a source outside of myself to validate that the blue means that I am really in a good mood. 

Yeah, and the rest is silence… musical silence.  Play the silence… Maybe I’d best stick to Yanni

July 15, 2004

I've just made love to MM and am thinking of what makes sex lovemaking...

MM and I enjoy an enthusiastic sex life. She is an incredible lover. I have found that my sex-life has gotten better as I have gotten older. I used to think, when I was a young man, that it could never get better. The idea of having incredible sex at 47 seemed beyond my callow youth’s ability to comprehend. I know that I am not physically the same as I was when I was 17. I used to make love four or five times with no real refractory period back in the day. Those days – daze? – are gone. I remember seeing a cartoon when I was a kid. It showed a couple of kids having intercourse. The caption read, “The only substitute for experience is being 16 years old.” I am no longer a teen. I am a more reserved middle-aged man. I have experience.

I’ve made reference to my sexual past. I went through a period of being something of an addict. I was not indiscriminate. I don’t know what began that short-lived period of debauchery, but I recall that when I began to see women as prizes rather than people that I knew that it was time to stop. It was the hunt that thrilled me. It would not be uncommon to have three or four partners a week. I have always had a strong sex-drive, but this was beyond that. SL and I enjoyed good sex, even for a period after we divorced. But when we divorced I went off the deep end. She was much more experienced than I was; I always felt threatened by her several partners, her vast experience (my period of debauchery notwithstanding), and her obvious enjoyment of sexual excess.

Following our divorce, I began to descend into addictive behavior again: I was working at a social services agency. I began to look for potential partners for what I blithely thought of as “an evening’s entertainment,” and helped myself to a young woman who was either 18 or 19. I had no real interest in her as a person; it was the game of getting her into bed and then having her do what I wanted that was the thrill. When I looked at that, I realized that I was slipping into a behavior that could be dangerous, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I stopped completely until I met MM.

I had sublimated my sexuality into all other parts of my life. I was no longer experiencing the level of sexual tension that I felt daily before. But it also meant that I had sublimated much of the passion from my life, too. When MM and I began to be intimate I experienced some difficulty reconnecting with that part of me. I think that it died and had to be raised from the dead, reborn in an act of loving rather than just fucking. Things are better now, but that came with the development of trust and time together. What has marked our sexual life together is a sense of loving and care that is greater than mere sexual passion. This is what I mean when I say that I have become more experienced. I do not mean a given number of partners. I mean a sense of life that helps to see all parts of life as expressions of why we are here and who we are as individuals and parts of a greater common union of humanity.

Yes, MM has the sexual technique of a goddess. She is incredible in bed. But much – if not all – of that is born out of our loving each other. I love the feeling of knowing that our bodies have physical limits, but not knowing where she ends and where I begin. For that moment, if only as a metaphor in action, we are as one flesh, one coupling that intimates a greater unity. It is the act of loving that makes it incredible. To be with her I am happily monogamous.

The truth is that most of us fuck pretty much in the same way: boy gets hard, girl gets wet. The difference is not in the technique so much as it is in the emotional attachment. True, some of us are more skilled in some areas. Some of us have greater attraction to some partners than others. I recall meeting a woman years ago. It was a casual meeting, but the physical attraction was overwhelming. The sex was powerful and passionate, though empty. When it was over, there was silence that comes of having no common experience. It was empty: a sad parody of true human passion. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am; then go home and shower.

No, I have come to a point that I have had done with junk-food sex.

It is truly a holy thing, this coming together and suspension of time and space that occurs in the most intimate spaces in our selves and stands apart from the ordinary time of life. As a holy thing, it must be revered and practiced with reverence. Only then does fucking become love-making. Like a sacrament, the ordinary elements of bread and wine become the body given for you… this is my body, given for you, dear one.

For you alone…

July 14, 2004

Try to remember...

I’ve just cleaned out my computer’s memory and tossed out old and unused programs. Damn, I wish it were that easy for humans. They say that you can never really erase computer programs, however. There is always some vestigial memory of the past, some bits and bytes simply will not go quietly into the abyss of the forgotten. Memory seems so fragile and so precious. When all is said and done all that we have and are is memory.

I was in the hot-tub about a week ago with MM. Sitting naked in the water is both a moment of cleansing and of birth. Looking into the stars I was aware that the light that I saw was ancient. It was a record of the past brought into the present. MM was in a pensive mood, too. She is the last survivor of her family’s past. Her brothers and parents have all died. All of their experience, all of their memories died with them, she observed.

I am dubious of that is so many ways. Perhaps it is that faith is the ultimate act of denial. I tend to believe that there is a great collective mind in which all experience is joined together in a sort of cosmic tapestry of human experience. No, more than human experience: life experience would be closer to the mark. All of those stars that I saw. Some must have life and that life has to have some experience and some sort of memory. I refuse to believe that it all falls into silence.

I cling to the past in order to imagine the future.

I have no desire to reduplicate the past. Hell, I have so few memories of the past that I wonder if I had been in some sort of altered state before now. My past is shadowy; my memories are dreams whose metaphors resist easy explication. I have dreams… more often I have nightmares. I arise in the hope that today will be better. Boats beating against the tide? The tide changes. It sweeps out the past as it continues to pulsate in the rhythms of a life that seems to us eternal but may be most ephemeral. There are so many memories: the first time I made love, being beaten by my father, the first words that my daughters spoke, the pain I felt when both marriages died, music. Ah, music.

Memories are both sensual and intellectual. We recall facts but relive the sensations of the past. Several posts ago I spoke of age-regression, the subconscious reliving of memories. I know that I have relived memories that are terrible and still remain in the shadows of anonymous masks that conceal in order to reveal. You know, the sense of déjà vu that occurs when you hear a song, smell a scent, see a sign: all of that is the reality of memory transforming the moment into a experience past. There is something almost sacramental about that. The center of eucharistic theology is the anamnesis or the memory of the meal. Ritual memory involves all the senses and seeks to age regress to a moment when the covenant was cut and the future transformed by a kairos, a moment that breaks out of the stream of time that it may harmonize with eternity. Now, but not yet… a sort of prolepsis that occurs in memory. Looking forward by looking back.

My computer will hopefully run better now that the hard-drive is cleared out. It loses memories in order to function. That may be why human minds don’t function that way. I am the sum of my experience. I pass on my experience to others and all are changed. None of us stays the same as we move through the stream of time and generate new experience that sings in harmony with the old. We live to remember and in death we forget ourselves. Gone, but not forgotten in a mind greater than the sum of all life experience?

Ah, but I am just a fool…

July 13, 2004

Music and Money...

I am beginning to worry about money. I always land on my feet, sometimes harder than I'd like, though.

I am recording this week. I've been focusing my efforts on that for the past several days. I feel that this needs to be a priority. I set this as a goal for the year. I also have to make finding employment a higher priority than it is. When I am counting pennies, I know that I have entered into that "worry zone." I knew when I left work to pursue my teaching credential that money would be tight. I made a choice. No regrets.

I suppose that I still feel that I should be in the church, doing pastoral ministry. That is difficult insofar as I've pretty much rejected the central tenants of the church and am living as an agnostic. I still miss the liturgy. I don't miss all of the petty bullshit that one finds in the church, however.

It is an odd thing to look at 47 years and realize that I had been living in an inauthentic manner. That may be an overstatement, but if so only slightly. I did much of the ministry stuff well. I was a great performer. A damn fine preacher. But it was having to manage the details that escaped me. A good pastor is as much an administrator as she or he is a spiritual guide. Most folk really don't want to hear about things spiritual any way. They only want to hear that God loves them and that they don't have to take any of the repentance stuff very seriously. Cheap grace sells. I could never sell it, though.

I have to admit that I liked sex, music, and this life on this earth too damn much to have been a good apocalyptic Christian. That is the subject of another post, I suppose.

I still like sex...

It is safe to say that I have an addiction to sex. This is difficult because, like the compulsive over-eater, sex is not something from which one can abstain and remain healthy. If emotional needs are to be met, sexual expression is a normal and healthy part of that partnership. Limiting myself to one person is the choice that I have made. I believe in monogamy. Another subject for another posting... Suffice it to say that I choose not to indulge my addiction as I had in the past.

For now I have to focus on the more prosaic issues of generating income and paying my obligations. I am happy to be recording, and even enjoy the dream of living off of my music, but have to be realistic: it won't happen this year. Work... I love to work with kids. I am a good teacher. I need to attend to the many tasks that require my attention to achieve my goal of completing my credential.

DAMN... I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and there was a rhythm that sounded like a knocking near me. In my headphones it sounded like there was somebody behind me. It freaked me out! I thought that somebody was in my apartment for a moment.

It is late. Tomorrow I will spend some time with MM, take my lesson for the week, practice and prepare for my time in the studio.

Live, laugh, love...
I need to learn to live in these words and not simply write them.


July 12, 2004

Some of my Favorite Musicians' Webpages...

I love music... Here are some of my favorite musicians. Enjoy their webpages... Buy their products. Some of these are famous, some are indie, some are unknown. ENJOY! - tdf

Frank Zappa EVERYTHING ZAPPA is found on this well produced and very zappaesque site. Read about Dweezil and Lisa's break-up, get fun swag, hear Zappa's music and a couple of interviews. A well done page with high and low bandwidth options. Be aware that you can spend hours browsing this site. Zappa was a genius of the first water.

Gary Moore... This Irish Boyo has more soul in his little finger than most of us have in a lifetime. All I can say is that Gary studied at the feet of Kings... Albert and B.B. This page is worth visiting. Gary is not well known in the USA. That is too damn bad. Blues were born in the American South and came to maturity in New York, Nashville, and Chicago. Gary proves that this American form of art has become a legacy to the world.

Steely Dan Literate, sardonic, urbane, and damn fine musicians. Jazz, Rock, and Pop... Definitely worth the time to listen. SD uses some of the hottest studio cats out there.

Ray Brown This is not Ray Brown's webpage, but the profile that NPR did following Brown's death. This is the GOD of the double-bass. Jazz, Blues, Bebop... Ray did it all. Listen with reverence.

The MJQ... Third Stream, Modern Jazz, Chamber Jazz, Bach meets Bebop... The Modern Jazz Quartet did for over 40 years. John Lewis, Bags, Big P, and Connie Kay... DAMN. My first concert was with my family when I was in seventh grade. I heard Percy Heath laying down God-like bass and knew that I wanted to make that sound. Connie Kay gave me a set of drumsticks, too.

YoYo Ma I never heard the Bach unaccompanied cello suites until I heard Yoyo Ma play them. Enough said.

Jaco Pastorius - the God of the Electric Bass. Jaco as the epitome of the tortured artist that whose flame burnt too brightly to last. He died much too young as the result of cocaine addiction and bipolar disorder. Beaten to death by a fuckin' punk outside of a Florida bar, Jaco's music speaks eloquently of human longing, passion, and -dare I say- hope. A true virtuoso.


That is enough for now... I'll post others later.

Live, laugh, love... - tdf

July 10, 2004

The soundtrack for my life...

I am at home, listening to music, The Beatles, Let It Be – Naked. I have to say that this album is a disappointment. I purchased it being the dedicated Beatles fan that I am. It showed a group that was in process, but never gelling. It was a bit like listening to my rehearsal tapes. They are helpful, but they are not a finished product; I would not want them to be released. There is something about the Beatles that reminds me of my youth…

I was never really a happy child. That is hard to say. I was chatting with MM last night about some of the pain in both of our histories. She related how a classmate had taunted her when she was younger. I recalled how, since fourth grade and all through high-school, I was a pariah. It is funny how a reputation can attach to a person and define the trajectory that his or her life will take. I became the consummate outsider. I suppose that I was damn near clinically depressed for most of my high-school years. I know that I was parasuicidal for several years. The few memories that I have of my childhood are largely traumatic. I don’t have many memories beyond those that are too often relived. I know that there must be others, but I am goddamned if I can recall them. Why did I lose them? I don’t know.

The Beatles was a sort of sound-track for my youth. Funny, I don’t recall the movie, the music is all that remains. It has a vibrancy that helps me to emote. I know that there must be some memories that are disposed to excavation. Will music be my tool to unearth them?. I have a favorite quote about music: I love if for what it makes me remember and for what it helps me forget. Bitterly ironic, I would say.

I was never really a happy child. I was never had any friends, either. I was alone, lonely, and despondent. That much I recall. Why I didn’t become an axe-murderer is beyond me. I do know that I have lived in a way that feels as if I sabotage my own success. For so long it was pounded into my cranium that I was a source of shame and disappointment to my family. If I tried to so something I was beaten down, sometimes physically. I know how to fail. It is comfortable. Success scares the hell out of me. This is not to say that I do not or have not achieved. I have an unfortunate tendency to avoid unpleasant situations. I have no compunction about defending my kids or my friends. I will go to the wall for them without blinking an eye or expecting anything in return. It is for myself that I refuse to fight.

MM and I were talking yesterday. She said that I must have been loved by some of the women in my past. I think she may be right. I am certain that KJS, my college girlfriend, loved me. I know that LA, the girls’ mother, loved me until she would love me no longer. There is a part of me that wants to blame myself completely for the failure of my marriage. Comfortable, I suppose. I believe that PC loved me. I believe that SL loved me, but was unable to live in love. I know that MM loves me.

The difference is that for the first time in my life I am open to being loved. That step is a long-time in coming. I’ve always wanted to be loved, no, not wanted, desperately ached to be loved would be closer to the mark. I would never let anybody that close. Be careful of my heart… it is very fragile. For some reason I trust MM. Maybe because she has survived the loss of two brothers as a child, a divorce, financial crisis, and the death of her mother and still is capable of loving. I love and envy that sort of faith in the possibility of hope and the power to find beauty in the detritus of despair. She is stronger than she knows. Just the ability to love in that context proves a courage that is deeply seeded and even more profoundly rooted.

I have, despite the melancholy that darkens the horizons of my life, remained hopeful. “Live, Laugh, and Love,” has been not only my motto but mantra. I remain hopeful, despite the bouts of depression and self-effacement that are my nearly constant companions. I may have a moribund sense about me, but I do find some glimmer of hope in the darkness. “Weeping may spend the night, but joy comes in the morning,” as the psalmist has put it.

The Beatles said “all you need is love.” A madman killed John Lennon. Cancer killed George Harrison. Brian Epstein killed himself. What is hell? Dosteyevski would have us believe that it is the inability to love. All you need is love… and the faith to believe that it can live in your heart. And the centurion looked to Jesus and said, “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief.” The bible says that God is love… I remain a faithful agnostic.

I may be an agnostic, but I thank Christ daily for MM.

Ah, but I am just a fool…

July 09, 2004

I love music for what it makes me remember and what it helps me forget...

I’ve been playing lots of bass lately. This is really the best therapy for me ever devised. I am working on my music and trying to express the intent of the chordal structure and melodic line in a way that is unobtrusive but interesting. I suppose part of the problem with having no formal training is that I can only “hear” what I want the instrument to say. I am not transcribing text and doing formal counterpoint and harmony. I am only doing what sounds good to my ear. There is so much that seems so simplistic. The irony to this is, of course, I find myself cutting bass back rather than playing more. I do have a tendency to want to overplay. One thing is true for me, however: I am remarkably consistent in my playing. Once I have a chart, I do not like to deviate too much. Sure, I’ll play with it, but it will be consistent with the original intent of the thing.

I find that the bass is my voice. I may have a limited vocabulary, but damn it do sing!

I am beginning to think that I could make a go of doing my music in a profitable manner. Gigs and sales: it has to be a business and I am more than the artist, I am the CEO, CFO, and head of R&D. Not bad for a guy that likes to do it all.

I am really enjoying working out my bass-lines and thinking in terms of what makes for good music rather than what makes the bass sound good. Part of this is that the music is mine… I am responsible for the whole thing. To my mind that means making the soloists sound good. Since I am playing several instruments on these tracks I find that I am no longer thinking in terms of my and the bottom, but in terms of the whole harmonic structure of the thing. I don’t like to limit myself to roots. I like to play harmonies (thirds, fifths, sometimes an odd 13th or the like). Jazz teaches me to regard the chord as a construct to be deconstructed and to be flipped on its head. Rock teaches me to listen for the beat. The Blues teach me that simple is often more eloquent than verbiage.

Mostly it is about making music that speaks from the heart. I have always said that there are two distinct types of music: good and bad. The good is passionate; like outstanding sex it can be moist, hot, full of feeling, hard and leaves you drained but ecstatic. The bad is insipid; like jacking off in the shower because you don’t have anybody to love you. I want my music to be good.

The folks that have heard it say that it is good. What amazes me are the interpretations of the words. I have come to believe that it is not so important what I wanted to say. I know what I intended. The real stuff is in the synergy of the listener and the piece: I write a lot about loss of faith and loss of love, both the love of God and the love of women. The people that hear my stuff hear other things that I did not intend but were there for them.

I am still suffering from writers’ block. I have come to the conclusion that it is not so much a writers’ block as it is a hiatus from the word to listen to the musical impact of the piece. I am doing lots musically. More words will come. I need to work harder at my craft, though. I am in the studio next week.

Ah, but I am just a fool…

July 08, 2004

Shedding my Skin...

I have been suffering from a sort of writer’s block. I just can’t seem to craft words into coherent and poetic forms. I have a couple of songs, but no lyrics. MM thinks that I should leave one just as an instrumental. Given the recent state of affairs with my writing, I wonder if she is not right about that (no pun intended). I listened to the rehearsal tape of Spot’s Enigma (its working title) and rather liked the idea of the instrumental. I still want to use the voice as an instrument for textures. YQ will be up for that.

I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen and making lunch. I also cleaned Cuddles’ cage out. She is shedding her skin. Looking at the new and brightly colored snake that lives in the environment that A created, I can see how the myth of the snake came to mean newness of life. There are times that I wish that I could as easily slough off the old and dress myself in a new skin. There are times that I wish that I could make myself over to be the same, but new. That sounds like a blues… who knows.

I like the idea of cleaning house. Maybe it is the closest that I will get to shedding my skin and putting off all of the shit that needs to be scraped away. I did my kitchen. It looks like the holy place that a kitchen should be. I’ve always regarded the kitchen to be the holiest place, next to the bedroom, in a home. Again, death and life come together in both places. There is some poetry in the old English designation of an orgasm as a death. To die was a double entrendre, it meant to cum. Maybe the mad Dane was not as insane as the Bard would have us to believe? But I digress…

I can do this sort of bullshit all day, I am, after all a Gemini. It is the discipline of writing poetry to set to music that is demanding. Speaking of music, I did record several tunes yesterday at MM’s home in preparation for going into the studio. I am happier with them than I was before. I still need to work on them to perfect them, but they are well on the way.

I need to begin to think seriously about employment. I enjoyed teaching more than I can say. I think that I am made for this. While I would love to think that I could make my living doing music, I know that it is a tough sell and that my product, while good, requires a band that I would also have to support. There is a possibility that it could be done, but I am not sure that I want to do all of the front-work necessary to have half a chance of making a go of it. I did a projection on the profit margin for my project. If I sell the CD at $15.00 I still make $10.00 per copy (direct distribution). Factor in commissions for salespeople or venues and I am still doing well, say about $7.50 per copy. Not bad when you consider that a “name” with a major label is making less than $1.00 per unit. But they are also selling in the millions of copies of each unit. Realistically, I need to sell between 7,000 and 10,000 copies to make a living. That does include gigging (and the expenses that are associated with that). Selling 7,000 still puts me well into the fifties for income. That is more than livable. Ah well, dream on…

I got a strange email from my mother. She said that she was surprised that I am so political! I have never been anything but political. A proud leftist and always inclining in that noble direction. The relationship with my so-called family remains strained at best. I really think that we have grown apart and that there is no hope for any substantial reconciliation. It is enough to be polite. My daughters and MM are my family now. I rather like it like that. No paterfamilias…. Just good egalitarian loving and caring for one another.

I looked in the mirror and decided that the closest thing that I could do to shedding my skin was shaving… Jeez, I’ve got such a baby-face! I look even younger without my facial hair.
On to the tasks that need doing…

Ah, but I remain a fool…

July 07, 2004

Back to the question of religion...


Did I ever really leave it behind? I just heard a satire of the convolution of faith with prescriptive ethics. "Keep your Jesus off my Penis" was performed by a satirist that put it very clearly: "Believe as you see fit, don't ask me to conform." I have to wonder, however, if that is a fair representation of any religious conviction. If I claim to have an absolute truth, then it by virtue of the fact that it is absolute nullifies all other pretended claims. If Christianity - or any other religious expression for that matter - claims an exclusive franchise of the truth then it must stand apart from other attempts to explain that which is transcendent. I don't think that this is the case, however. If it were the case all other religious systems would have to be lies concocted to deceive. The premise behind that is that somehow a lie is mightier than the truth. Deception stands against what it true.

No, I think that God is too great a subject to be revealed in one all encompassing expression. The myth of Jesus and the Resurrection is one of hope to overcome our most deeply seeded fear: that of being extinguished and falling into an abyss of oblivion. The apocalyptic writers in the Old and New Testaments both come to the same conclusion: God will defeat the pretended powers of darkness and shall prevail in the end. All Christianity is apocalyptic in its core: it all sees darkness and seeks to bring light. But that is not unique to Christianity.

I tend to think that humans are by nature seeking answers to question that vex us in the dark hours of the night. We are born story tellers that value metaphor and imagery. We tell stories of heros and evil-doers that symbolize our fears and moments of despair. We are looking for a way out.

Is there but one way? Perhaps. But is it not conceivable that there is more than one metaphor for that way? If I am of good faith and am attempting to understand, how can I as a Christian that believes in the enduring influence of the Spirit deny that God can do whatever the hell God wants to do?

It is late and I am getting drowsy. I shall have to see what fears come to haunt my dreams in the small hours of the morning. Is there but one solution to their questions?

July 06, 2004

Would Somebody Help Me to Understand Why We Are in Iraq?

This is an extended excerpt from the webpage posted by The Institute for Policy Studies. Please visit this site as it is quite informative. Thanks. -tdf

I. Costs to the United States

A. Human Costs

U.S. Military Deaths: Between the start of war on March 19, 2003 and June 16, 2004, 952 coalition forces were killed, including 836 U.S. military. Of the total, 693 were killed after President Bush declared the end of combat operations on May 1, 2003. Over 5,134 U.S. troops have been wounded since the war began, including 4,593 since May 1, 2003.

Contractor Deaths: Estimates range from 50 to 90 civilian contractors, missionaries, and civilian worker deaths. Of these, 36 were identified as Americans.

Journalist Deaths: Thirty international media workers have been killed in Iraq, including 21 since President Bush declared the end of combat operations. Eight of the dead worked for U.S. companies.

B. Security Costs

Terrorist Recruitment and Action: According to the London-based International Institute for Strategic Studies, al Qaeda's membership is now at 18,000, with 1,000 active in Iraq. A former CIA analyst and State Department official has documented 390 deaths and 1,892 injuries due to terrorist attacks in 2003. In addition, there were 98 suicide attacks around the world in 2003, more than any year in contemporary history.

Low U.S. Credibility: Polls reveal that the war has damaged the U.S. government's standing and credibility in the world. Surveys in eight European and Arab countries demonstrated broad public agreement that the war has hurt, rather than helped, the war on terrorism. At home, 54 percent of Americans polled by the Annenberg Election Survey felt that the "the situation in Iraq was not worth going to war over."


Military Mistakes: A number of former military officials have criticized the war, including retired Marine General Anthony Zinni, former commander of the U.S. Central Command, who has charged that by manufacturing a false rationale for war, abandoning traditional allies, propping up and trusting Iraqi exiles, and failing to plan for post-war Iraq, the Bush Administration made the United States less secure.


Low Troop Morale and Lack of Equipment: A March 2004 army survey found 52 percent of soldiers reporting low morale, and three-fourths reporting they were poorly led by their officers. Lack of equipment has been an ongoing problem. The Army did not fully equip soldiers with bullet-proof vests until June 2004, forcing many families to purchase them out of their own pockets.


Loss of First Responders: National Guard troops make up almost one-third of the U.S. Army troops now in Iraq. Their deployment puts a particularly heavy burden on their home communities because many are "first responders," including police, firefighters, and emergency medical personnel. For example, 44 percent of the country's police forces have lost officers to Iraq. In some states, the absence of so many Guard troops has raised concerns about the ability to handle natural disasters.


Use of Private Contractors: An estimated 20,000 private contractors are carrying out work in Iraq traditionally done by the military, despite the fact that they often lack sufficient training and are not accountable to the same guidelines and reviews as military personnel.

C. Economic Costs

The Bill So Far: Congress has already approved of $126.1 billion for Iraq and an additional $25 billion is heading towards Congressional approval, for a total of $151.1 billion through this year. Congressional leaders have promised an additional supplemental appropriation after the election.

Long-term Impact on U.S. Economy: Economist Doug Henwood has estimated that the war bill will add up to an average of at least $3,415 for every U.S. household. Another economist, James Galbraith of the University of Texas, predicts that while war spending may boost the economy initially, over the long term it is likely to bring a decade of economic troubles, including an expanded trade deficit and high inflation.


Oil Prices: Gas prices topped $2 a gallon in May 2004, a development that most analysts attribute at least in part to the deteriorating situation in Iraq. According to a mid-May CBS survey, 85 percent of Americans said they had been affected measurably by higher gas prices. According to one estimate, if crude oil prices stay around $40 a barrel for a year, U.S. gross domestic product will decline by more than $50 billion.


Economic Impact on Military Families: Since the beginning of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, 364,000 reserve troops and National Guard soldiers have been called for military service, serving tours of duty that often last 20 months. Studies show that between 30 and 40 percent of reservists and National Guard members earn a lower salary when they leave civilian employment for military deployment. Army Emergency Relief has reported that requests from military families for food stamps and subsidized meals increased "several hundred percent" between 2002 and 2003.

D. Social Costs


U.S. Budget and Social Programs: The Bush administration's combination of massive spending on the war and tax cuts for the wealthy means less money for social spending. The $151.1 billion expenditure for the war through this year could have paid for: close to 23 million housing vouchers; health care for over 27 million uninsured Americans; salaries for nearly 3 million elementary school teachers; 678,200 new fire engines; over 20 million Head Start slots for children; or health care coverage for 82 million children. Instead, the administration's FY 2005 budget request proposes deep cuts in critical domestic programs and virtually freezes funding for domestic discretionary programs other than homeland security. Federal spending cuts will deepen the budget crises for local and state governments, which are expected to suffer a $6 billion shortfall in 2005.


Social Costs to the Military: Thus far, the Army has extended the tours of duty of 20,000 soldiers. These extensions have been particularly difficult for reservists, many of whom never expected to face such long separations from their jobs and families. According to military policy, reservists are not supposed to be on assignment for more than 12 months every 5-6 years. To date, the average tour of duty for all soldiers in Iraq has been 320 days. A recent Army survey revealed that more than half of soldiers said they would not re-enlist.


Costs to Veteran Health Care: About 64 percent of the more than 5,000 U.S. soldiers injured in Iraq received wounds that prevented them from returning to duty. One trend has been an increase in amputees, the result of improved body armor that protects vital organs but not extremities. As in previous wars, many soldiers are likely to have received ailments that will not be detected for years to come. The Veterans Administration healthcare system is not prepared for the swelling number of claims. In May, the House of Representatives approved funding for FY 2005 that is $2.6 billion less than needed, according to veterans' groups.


Mental Health Costs: A December 2003 Army report was sharply critical of the military's handling of mental health issues. It found that more than 15 percent of soldiers in Iraq screened positive for traumatic stress, 7.3 percent for anxiety, and 6.9 percent for depression. The suicide rate among soldiers increased from an eight-year average of 11.9 per 100,000 to 15.6 per 100,000 in 2003. Almost half of soldiers surveyed reported not knowing how to obtain mental health services.

II. Costs to Iraq

A. Human Costs


Iraqi Deaths and Injuries: As of June 16, 2004, between 9,436 and 11,317 Iraqi civilians have been killed as a result of the U.S. invasion and ensuing occupation, while an estimated 40,000 Iraqis have been injured. During "major combat" operations, between 4,895 and 6,370 Iraqi soldiers and insurgents were killed.


Effects of Depleted Uranium: The health impacts of the use of depleted uranium weaponry in Iraq are yet to be known. The Pentagon estimates that U.S. and British forces used 1,100 to 2,200 tons of weaponry made from the toxic and radioactive metal during the March 2003 bombing campaign. Many scientists blame the far smaller amount of DU weapons used in the Persian Gulf War for illnesses among U.S. soldiers, as well as a sevenfold increase in child birth defects in Basra in Southern Iraq.

B. Security Costs

Rise in Crime: Murder, rape, and kidnapping have skyrocketed since March 2003, forcing Iraqi children to stay home from school and women to stay off the streets at night. Violent deaths rose from an average of 14 per month in 2002 to 357 per month in 2003.


Psychological Impact: Living under occupation without the most basic security has devastated the Iraqi population. A poll by the U.S. Coalition Provisional Authority in May 2004 found that 80 percent of Iraqis say they have "no confidence" in either the U.S. civilian authorities or in the coalition forces, and 55 percent would feel safer if U.S. and other foreign troops left the country immediately.

C. The Economic Costs

Unemployment: Iraqi joblessness doubled from 30 percent before the war to 60 percent in the summer of 2003. While the Bush administration now claims that unemployment has dropped, only 1 percent of Iraq's workforce of 7 million is involved in reconstruction projects.


Corporate War Profiteering: Most of Iraq's reconstruction has been contracted out to U.S. companies, rather than experienced Iraqi firms. Top contractor Halliburton is being investigated for charging $160 million for meals that were never served to troops and $61 million in cost overruns on fuel deliveries. Halliburton employees also took $6 million in kickbacks from subcontractors, while other employees have reported extensive waste, including the abandonment of $85,000 trucks because they had flat tires.


Iraq's Oil Economy: Anti-occupation violence has prevented Iraq from capitalizing on its oil assets. There have been an estimated 130 attacks on Iraq's oil infrastructure. In 2003, Iraq's oil production dropped to 1.33 million barrels per day, down from 2.04 million in 2002.


Health Infrastructure: After more than a decade of crippling sanctions, Iraq's health facilities were further damaged during the war and post-invasion looting. Iraq's hospitals continue to suffer from lack of supplies and an overwhelming number of patients.

Education: UNICEF estimates that more than 200 schools were destroyed in the conflict and thousands more were looted in the chaos following the fall of Saddam Hussein. Largely because of security concerns, school attendance in April 2004 was well below pre-war levels.


Environment: The U.S-led attack damaged water and sewage systems and the country's fragile desert ecosystem. It also resulted in oil well fires that spewed smoke across the country and left unexposed ordnance that continues to endanger the Iraqi people and environment. Mines and unexploded ordnance cause an estimated 20 casualties per month.


Human Rights Costs: Even with Saddam Hussein overthrown, Iraqis continue to face human rights violations from occupying forces. In addition to the widely publicized humiliation and abuse of prisoners, the U.S. military is investigating the deaths of 34 detainees as a result of interrogation techniques.


Sovereignty Costs: Despite the proclaimed "transfer of sovereignty" to Iraq, the country will continue to be occupied by U.S. and coalition troops and have severely limited political and economic independence. The interim government will not have the authority to reverse the nearly 100 orders by CPA head Paul Bremer that, among other things, allow for the privatization of Iraq's state-owned enterprises and prohibit preferences for domestic firms in reconstruction.

III. Costs to the World


Human Costs: While Americans make up the vast majority of military and contractor personnel in Iraq, other U.S.-allied "coalition" troops have suffered 116 war casualties in Iraq. In addition, the focus on Iraq has diverted international resources and attention away from humanitarian crises such as in Sudan.


International Law: The unilateral U.S. decision to go to war in Iraq violated the United Nations Charter, setting a dangerous precedent for other countries to seize any opportunity to respond militarily to claimed threats, whether real or contrived, that must be "pre-empted." The U.S. military has also violated the Geneva Convention, making it more likely that in the future, other nations will ignore these protections in their treatment of civilian populations and detainees.


The United Nations: At every turn, the Bush administration has attacked the legitimacy and credibility of the UN, undermining the institution's capacity to act in the future as the centerpiece of global disarmament and conflict resolution. The recent efforts of the Bush administration to gain UN acceptance of an Iraqi government that was not elected but rather installed by occupying forces undermines the entire notion of national sovereignty as the basis for the UN Charter.


Coalitions: Faced with opposition in the UN Security Council, the U.S. government attempted to create the illusion of multilateral support for the war by pressuring other governments to join a so-called "Coalition of the Willing." This not only circumvented UN authority, but also undermined democracy in many coalition countries, where public opposition to the war was as high as 90 percent.


Global Economy: The $151.1 billion spent by the U.S. government on the war could have cut world hunger in half and covered HIV/AIDS medicine, childhood immunization and clean water and sanitation needs of the developing world for more than two years. As a factor in the oil price hike, the war has created concerns of a return to the "stagflation" of the 1970s. Already, the world's major airlines are expecting an increase in costs of $1 billion or more per month.


Global Security: The U.S.-led war and occupation have galvanized international terrorist organizations, placing people not only in Iraq but around the world at greater risk of attack. The State Department's annual report on international terrorism reported that in 2003 there was the highest level of terror-related incidents deemed "significant" than at any time since the U.S. began issuing these figures.


Global Environment: U.S.-fired depleted uranium weapons have contributed to pollution of Iraq's land and water, with inevitable spillover effects in other countries. The heavily polluted Tigris River, for example, flows through Iraq, Iran and Kuwait.


Human Rights: The Justice Department memo assuring the White House that torture was legal stands in stark violation of the International Convention Against Torture (of which the United States is a signatory). This, combined with the widely publicized mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. intelligence officials, gave new license for torture and mistreatment by governments around the world.


I tend to think that this is an immoral war. St. Augustine posited the following criteria to constitute a moral or just war:
* That it be the only option open for defense;
* That non-combatants were treated with respect;
* That it is the last and final option; and
* That the outcome can be reasonably predicted.


I fail to see how the war in Iraq, prosecuted by a "Christian" President, meets these criteria.

Ah, but I am just a fool...