January 04, 2005

Dazed and Confused

God I wish that I had some good weed... I quit smoking when I started dating MM. I don't have any and my anxiety is going through the roof.

MM came over last night. I was broken up. All I could do was remain stonefaced until she said something that reduced me to tears. I've felt numb, like the pain was going to break out sometime soon. My hands were trembling and my heart was in my throat. But no tears... I wished that they would come so I could move beyond the initial insult to my emotions. Then they came and came. I chatted with a friend online and laughed a bit. I needed the catharsis.

I called MM today. My eyes are hurting and my heart is in pain. Against my better judgement, I think, I told her I missed her and love her. My heart and my mind are not one here. I don't know that we will "reconcile," or not. I do know that I have to move beyond the feeling that I was little more than the trash that is thrown away without a second thought.

Trust is big in my world. She broke trust with me. I don't know if I can trust again. I am confused and hurting.

Hell is the inability to love. Hell is being without feeling and emotions. Heaven is a place of passion: pain and joy, willing to be broken over and over again for the sake of the beloved.

More later...

I am on my break. The surley sandwich lady growled as I got my soup and salad. The day has gone as well as it could. I am fighting back a feeling of grief and just trying to focus on being with the kids. This is a good natured class at one of my favorite schools in the district. I am a sort of minor celebrity here. I walk to my class and hear kids yelling, "Hi, Mr. P.!" it is cool... ah, the kids are coming. Time to work.

At Home, around 8:15 p.m.

I got home, nothing overly eventful. I called MM on her cell phone, really not knowing what to say. It almost seemed out of habit; I wanted to hear her voice. My head - my eyes especially - had been hurting all day. I was tired. I fell asleep on my bed until about fifteen minutes ago. This is most unlike me. MM had said that she wanted to go to he mechanic to get the idle checked on her car, she asked if I wanted to go. I blurted out, "No" very quickly. That seems too much like what we would have done. I am in no way ready for any of that. I don't know what I want (also unlike me) here.

Last night's conversation left me confused. As I noted above, my heart and mind are not of one accord. My heart wants to go back, my mind is cautious. I don't want to feel that I can't trust MM to do this again if we try again, but don't know how to avoid the doubts. My online buddy said that time could take care of that, which is true enough. I think that MM wants me to trust now. That is something I am not capable of doing. I have to trust a lover. Lacking that... but as I look at that phrase I wonder how healing is possible if not for extended periods of ambiguity.

My head aches, almost as much as my heart. I need to eat something.