Thank you to an anonymous friend

A comment on a post that I have deleted deserves to be read and responded to:

Hello TDF,

I usually enjoy your posts very much. They're well-written and insightful. But dude, this post says that you are leaning towards becoming a friggin lunatic! Not just that, but a self-centered, cold-hearted lunatic whose thoughts and actions revolve solely around what you want.

You know, I'm worried about you. I'd like to see the 'old' DF back, not this one who uses and discards others at will. I also worry that your personal escapades will end up becoming a professional issue for you since you indicate that you are a teacher....given the moral climate brought on by our right-wing president, it's not far fetched to see that an angry parent brings this blog to the school board. Don't give them this power over you

Dear Friend -

I wish I had a name to address you directly. I reread the post today. You are right. I don't like what I am becoming. I need to return to myself. It is amazing what pain will do to me - not an excuse, but an observation. I need to find my way back.

Thank you for caring.

Thank you for telling the truth.

I let pain justify my choice to do what I disdain. I alone am responsible for my actions and need to move beyond these poor choices that I have made. MM and I have taken leave of each other. We spoke today and I ended the relationship. It is for the best. I will live with my grief and, hopefully, find my way back out of this haze of egoism that has enveloped me.

Thank you for being a friend.
-tDF

My Life Has Become Simpler

MM came over to the house, following a phone conversation. She said that she wanted to have a “heart to heart” with me. I’ve learned that this means that new games have been devised – our history is difficult to ignore. I thought that, since she wanted to come to my home earlier than our dinner that there was something afoot. Really, she did me a favor: my life is much simpler. She is history.

Moment of Clarity

Alcoholics that are coming to a place of recovery have described a “moment” of clarity when the path is clear and a choice needs to be made. I had mine today. I have decided to cut all ties to MM. I am better off for it. Having spent the last few days rereading the sad chronology of our past, coupled with today’s conversation have led me to the point that I could never have reached before: I am better off without her.

MM came to the house to announce that she wanted to be just friends. Now, on the surface this can seem like all I wanted was sex from her. This is not the case. Read on, gentle reader, and withhold judgment. MM had called me on Saturday to tell me that I was the one that she longed for and that I was the one that she loved. After that, she told me that she wanted to be with me, but not exclusively. I accepted that – given my history, I could not do otherwise, though I would have considered monogamy with her – and she told me that I was the primary relationship. Today, she comes into my house to announce that this is a page from her past and that she wants us to be friends. I thought for a moment and then saw it: she is a lying, manipulative, low-life unworthy of my affections.

I told her to lose my phone number. I actually feel relief, not grief.

MM has a long history of lies and games, though she denies that she is manipulative. Her standing exculpation, excuse to make it all fine, is “look at my intentions… I didn't mean to...” I’ve come to a place of no longer caring about her “intentions” and focus solely on behaviors and their impact on the people around her. Since I was the person being impacted, I decided that my wellbeing was more important than her intentions. I have no more energy for her lies, manipulations, passive aggression, games, and general bullshit. As far as I am concerned, she has become a bad memory. I am done.

Harm Caused

Because we met when I was a student observer in her classroom, there was a power differential that she never quite let go of. An example: I needed a letter of recommendation from her. She refused for three weeks, then sent an unsigned letter (as near to useless as possible). When I noted that the letter was unsigned, she finally provided a signed copy that was lukewarm, at best. The fact that I had to wait three weeks for her to provide what should have been given the day my obligation ended (almost a year ago) cost me a job. I could not turn in an application. But, she was feeling "overwhelmed" at my request and just couldn't be bothered. Too bad for me... She "didn't mean me any harm..."

A neighborhood spat cost me over $2000.00 when her neighbors had my car towed. She made peace with the person involved, but never raised the issue of the monetary damage that it caused me. I was supposed to be quiet and happy that she was feeling better. When I confronted her, she acted hurt, as if I should be happy that the tension level was now lower. They make peace, I get screwed. But that's fine in her view.

This is nothing in comparison to hearing about how she was sleeping with a new guy that – in her words – complained that she was not good in bed, that she gave poor head. Now, who tells a friend that was a lover these details? What type of low-life does this? I have come to the conclusion that she does not deserve me. She has more money than I do – an inheritance – but not nearly the class that I have. An aside: any person who chooses a loser like that deserves what she gets and is clearly unworthy of my affections.

What Now?

I work in a small community. There is no way not to see her on occasion. I will be polite and courteous, as I always am. But warm? Never. I want never to have to associate with this woman. She has left a trail of emotional wreckage in her wake. Her parting shot, “Why won’t you support me in becoming the person I can be?” My response, “Because I no longer care about you. Do us both a favor, lose my phone number.” And she left.

And I am relieved.

Who Would Buy a Child a Weapon of War?

There are things that I will never understand. One of which is why we, as a nation, allow personal possession of firearms. The second amendment was never intended to be an absolute guarantee of the individual’s right to possess a device capable of terminating a human life. I have seen, first hand, what people can do with these weapons. There are things that simply are not healthy for the society: the possession of implements that were designed only to kill people is, to my view, immoral.

The Right to Bear Arms

I make no pretense of any legal training or specialized knowledge of the Constitution. I have some historical insight into the development of that document, its context and its sources, but claim no expertise. is as follows:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a Free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

This seems to me to be rather clear: the purpose of the right to bear arms was to create citizen soldiers for the protection of the State. Notice the first clause: “A well regulated Militia…” This is the clear precondition and limitation of the right to bear arms; the second amendment is not a guarantee of my right to own guns, but of the State’s right to form a militia. A clear and well-written discussion of this amendment is found at the Violence Policy Center’s webpage

Why do I raise this point? It is because I am worried. I am not only worried about the general proliferation of firearms, I am worried about a friend that purchased a military issue rifle for her 16-year-old son. I am aghast at this. I am sickened by this. I am worried by this.

A Mauser in the House

The day was going slowly and I was frankly bored. I called a friend up today to chat, thinking this would be a pleasant way to pass a few moments. We chatted for a bit and she mentioned that she purchased a gun for her son. She knows how I feel about weapons and prefaced her comments with a request that I not make any judgments about her choice. I dislike guns. I was frankly not supportive in the past of this decision for two reasons: the presence of a gun greatly increases the risk of injury or death by a firearm, and this child’s temperament. She said was writing a contract. She has done this in the past and it has come to nothing. The kid gets what he wants with no real responsibility being taken for his actions. I was taken aback when she said she purchased a Mauser for her son. I had to ask what it was, as I was shocked to hear this choice.

So, what 16-year-old boy does not need to have a high-powered 8mm bold action rifle designed as an assault weapon for use by the Nazi army? Understand me well: this is not a .22 caliber target gun; this is a weapon of war.

I was stunned and angered to hear that my friend had not provided for appropriate storage for this weapon: no gunlocks, no lockers, to separate storage for ammunition: nothing.

I will own my prejudice against the possession of weapons. I am not – nor do I pretend to be neutral – on this issue. To provide a child with a weapon capable of killing a human at long range without providing the appropriate storage is simply and reprehensibly irresponsible and immoral. Moreover, I said as much to her. I cannot and will not step foot in that house until that weapon is gone. My children will not be allowed to go there under any circumstance. It is unsafe.

California State Regulations

Our state is bizarre at times. It is legal to own a high-powered rifle, but not a handgun. Go figure. The criminal liability for storage of a loaded firearm is onerous, as well it should be. Of particular interest is civil liability, which makes no distinction between handguns and rifles:

Civil liability for any injury to the person or property of another proximately caused by the discharge of a firearm by a minor under the age of 18 years shall be imputed to a parent or guardian having custody and control of the minor for all purposes of civil damages, and such parent or guardian shall be jointly and severally liable with such minor for any damages resulting from such act, if such parent or guardian either permitted the minor to have the firearm or left the firearm in a place accessible to the minor.

The liability imposed by this section is in addition to any liability otherwise imposed by law. However, no person, or group of persons collectively, shall incur liability under this section in any amount exceeding thirty thousand dollars ($30,000) for injury to or death of one person as a result of any one occurrence or, subject to the limit as to one person, exceeding sixty thousand dollars ($60,000) for injury to or death of all persons as a result of any one such occurrence.

Now, this child has a collection of pellet guns. Limitations have been placed on the use and discharge of these weapons. They have been consistently ignored. Does it, in any way, follow that a child that is not trustworthy with a smaller weapon can be trusted with a weapon capable of killing a person? Add to this a history of violence with this child (locking down the house and not allowing his mother to enter) and it becomes clear even to those whose political persuasions tend toward the right that this is a poor choice.

Permissive Parents

I strive to be a good father. This means that I have to say “no” to my children. I wonder why parents try so hard to be their children’s friends rather than their parents. Frankly, this is a reprehensible act of indulgence that I hope and pray to whatever gods may be listening will not bring harm to anybody involved. But, if it does, I can have no real sympathy: she brought the weapon into her house without regard for proper storage (she did not even have a trigger lock) and without concern for the safety of those around her.

I suppose the twinkle in his eye made it all worth it…

But I am only a fool...

---

An update: Following a couple of heated conversations the parent in question purchased appropriate storage for this weapon that includes locks, seperate storage for ammo and requires the weapon to be broken before storage. I still feel that weapons of this sort have no place in the hands of a child. But, this is at least a step toward making this less accesible in moments of rage, anger, or in case of theft. - tDF

Let It Be at the Golden China Karaoke Bar

My favorite song in the world is “Let It Be.” It speaks to me and says what I hold most dear: let it be, go on living. As I get older I come to realize that I cannot control others – hell, I have difficulty controlling myself at times – and that I am wiser not even to try. My job is simply to allow them to be and to be myself. PS, my buddy (AKA, the Slimy Limey) and I went to the Golden China Karaoke Bar. I decided to sing. I can’t sing to save my soul, but it’s karaoke, not music. I sang two songs, “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” and “Let It Be.” The last came home to me again and started me to think about MM, about the whole messy disintegration, and where to go from here. I decided I needed to talk to a woman. I called my ex-wife and dear friend SL.

Unconventional Friendships

I told SL that I needed to talk. I gave some intimation of what I needed to discuss and asked her permission to share some personal details. We chatted a bit. She affirmed that I was not “off-base” in being taken aback by MM’s lack of discretion with her words, but also offered a perspective that I had not considered: perhaps MM simply had not understood that discretion is the basis for intimacy. SL reminded me that she was too open about details of her sexual history with me, and has since learned to edit details that need not be shared.

Perhaps MM really doesn’t get it. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want the details of her sexual encounters with other men. MM had an “open marriage” in the past (something that I think I understand better now than before). I wondered if part of their intimacy was sharing details of encounters with their other lovers. Personally, I won’t tell others about what I did with MM, SL, or anybody else for that matter. Those details are for my lover and me alone.

Détente?

SL and I reached an uneasy détente years ago, before I became exclusive with MM. We ran a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I knew that she had another lover, she knew that I did as well. I never lied to either, suggesting that I was not seeing anybody else. I simply did not share information. At the offset, I made it clear that I had intimate friends – no names given – and understood that I was not making any implicit commitment of monogamy. I am very happy to be absolutely monogamous in a committed relationship. Indeed, I was with MM. With SL I have had an uncommon understanding that we share a bond of mutual care and that we are intimate friends. If she wished a monogamous relationship with her current lover, I could and would respect that.

I wonder if the same sort of détente is possible with MM or if I am fooling myself into believing that this could be possible. The difficulty is that I loved her. It would be easier if we were simply friends that were sexual on occasion. I loved this woman to the core of my being and have been profoundly hurt by her. Is it best to love differently or to move on? I don’t know.

Cat Stevens

I was listening to the radio shortly after this sad episode occurred. I requested a hiatus from MM following her blurting out, a day or two after she broke it off with me, that BS had sent her wine and flowers. I told her that I did not want details. She seemed to insist “in the name of friendship”. There seemed to me something twisted about that, but… I digress. When we came back together she visited. We made love. She told me that she was seeing somebody else and was sleeping with him. I was hurt, but the pain didn’t hit until much later. She demanded that I not make her the other woman, she was making me the other man. Greed. MM is good at that. I also have my faults, that is not one of them.

I was listening to the radio. Cat Stevens’ Oh Very Young was playing. The lyric hit a deep and resonating note with me:

Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time
You're only dancin' on this earth for a short while
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your dads best jeans
Denim blue, faded up to the sky
And though you want them to last forever
You know they never will
(You know they never will)
And the patches make the goodbye harder still.

Oh Very Young what will you leave us this time
There'll never be a better chance to change your mind
And if you want this world to see a better day
Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride the great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last forever
You know you never will
(You know you never will)
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still.

Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride, oh,oooooooooooooh

Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time
You're only dancin' on this earth for a short while
Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time

Some things just shouldn’t be patched. Others need to be allowed to die a natural death. And others need to be valued and maintained. Oh to have the wisdom to know which.

Calmer today, but quite sad

I don't understand why a lover has the need to compare notes, especially in a way that is vulgar or insulting. I have never been one to share the details of my intimacies. What I do and with whom is nobody's business apart from the people directly involved: my lover and me. When MM asks me who's right about her technique with other men it is hurtful, profoundly so. It feels like the language a whore would use, beneath the dignity of a lady. Still, she persists with this. It is difficult for me, and very hurtful.

More Later... kids coming into class

The kids have come and gone. I called MM and am now at home. I did not sleep well. She told me that she did not and was tired. She noted some cardiac symptoms and anxiety. She made a comment that struck a raw nerve: I did not think I would awaken (paraphrased). I was suicidal when she dumped me. Had it not been for the way my kids would have remembered me and for a hotline that I found on the internet I am not certain that I would have pulled through. I am deeply scarred by her lies and inability to be honest and forthcoming. There is a cold and cruel part of me that thinks, "good, about goddamn time that you felt a bit of what you did to me..." The greater part of me is aghast at such thoughts.

This bullshit about her doing "what is easier for me" is crap. She lied to me rather than tell me the truth about wanting time alone. She lied about intentions to be with me. She wants to be judged on her character, thinking that it is "OK" to be dishonest to spare feelings. Lies hurt me deeply. I cannot trust a liar. I once commented that when a lie is told that I may not say anything, I may even understand; I would never trust again. I assume honesty. Once this is broken it is damn hard for me to trust again.

I keep thinking that she is looking for ways to push me out. She obviously does not want me, except on her terms and then only for her needs...

Note: There was more to this posting. I was making a change and lost the copy. I decided simply to post it as is, a work in progress, seeking resolution. It can be a labored metaphor.

Too Long... Too Much Bullshit

I quit posting for several months. I suppose that there are several reasons. The most pressing was a symptom of my codependency in a relationship: I did not want to offend MM's delicate sensibilities. To hell with them. This is my blog. If she elects to read, she does so at her own peril (frankly, if you are reading, my dear, I would stop now...Nothing here if flattering).

I have reposted the chronicle of our breakup. They were hidden because she was offended by them.

She dumped me again. This time asking to be friends. Almost in the same breath the informed me that the contractor that was working on her house brought wine and flowers over. I stopped her and informed her that I did not want to hear any details.

I asked for a long hiatus following this conversation, almost three months. I needed time and space. That came to a disastrous end yesterday. We saw each other. Spend an afternoon fucking (during which time she told me that she is fucking the contractor - information I don't need). I spent a good deal of time thinking after and sent her the following email:

Thank you for accepting the olive branch that I tried to offer you. I was not certain that you would.

I can't say that I am comfortable with the idea of you seeing another man, but it is not mine to say what you do and with whom. You did not ask if I was seeing anybody nor did you seem to want to accept my invitation to ask. Perhaps it is moot to you. Should you feel a need or desire to ask I will speak; but, unless you ask I will remain silent.

I am uncertain how best to proceed. I suppose that I will have to accept the fact that I will have to share your affections - this seems ironic to me given the request that you had that I tell you if I became intimate with another person. You did not wish to be the "other woman" and I now have become the "other man". You accused me of "cruising" for other women, citing fear of betrayal but felt free to pursue a physical relationship with another man. All of this is difficult for me (and frankly seems to be a double-standard). I would be lying if I said otherwise.

But it felt so damn good to hold you again.

So what do we do? You've left my home: a place that I know you dislike, that you studiously avoided in the past and described in less than flattering language. But my bed smells as it should: of you. And I am confused. I am not willing to be a secret.
Nor am I willing to be simply at your beck and call to serve your pleasure, to be thrown out like so much garbage when I no longer suite you. I gave up much more than you did in the past and paid a deeper emotional toll for it: I was the one dropped like a bad habit. To hear you say, "one day at a time" sounds too much like the past that hurt me so deeply.

I refuse to be in your orbit. If we are to do anything the terms must be much more mutual. There are things in my life that you no longer have any say over: this includes who I will see and when. Your request that we suspend physical activity if there is another woman is nullified by your choices. What goes for you must go equally for me. There are several things that we need to talk about. I am willing to meet you half-way, but no more than that.

I hope that you see this as it is intended - a dialog starter and an attempt to hold on
to something that I value deeply.

I am confused. But I am also glad to have held you again.
- p

Tell me this is not pathetic. Now... How clear is it that I don't want details about her sexual escapades? Clear enough, I would think. No... She came to my house to help me find an escaped snake (How perfect is that? Phallic images up the wazoo). So she asks me - right after reading this email - if she should believe BS, the contractor who says that she does not perform fellatio well, or me (since I have expressed favor for her technique - words said in the context of lovemaking). WTF?

What part of "I don't want the details" is unclear? What type of bitch does this to a person she claims to love?

If she wants to whore around that is her choice. I will not have it thrown in my face. It is about her and her greed. She wants everything on her terms. She threw me out - and lied about the whole damn thing - then expects me to judge her "character."

She is not worthy of me. That's for damn sure. That part of me that sees her as a greedy bitch is probably more correct than I want to admit. The more I think, the more I am convinced that the best thing is to wash my hands completely of her.