Let It Be at the Golden China Karaoke Bar

My favorite song in the world is “Let It Be.” It speaks to me and says what I hold most dear: let it be, go on living. As I get older I come to realize that I cannot control others – hell, I have difficulty controlling myself at times – and that I am wiser not even to try. My job is simply to allow them to be and to be myself. PS, my buddy (AKA, the Slimy Limey) and I went to the Golden China Karaoke Bar. I decided to sing. I can’t sing to save my soul, but it’s karaoke, not music. I sang two songs, “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” and “Let It Be.” The last came home to me again and started me to think about MM, about the whole messy disintegration, and where to go from here. I decided I needed to talk to a woman. I called my ex-wife and dear friend SL.

Unconventional Friendships

I told SL that I needed to talk. I gave some intimation of what I needed to discuss and asked her permission to share some personal details. We chatted a bit. She affirmed that I was not “off-base” in being taken aback by MM’s lack of discretion with her words, but also offered a perspective that I had not considered: perhaps MM simply had not understood that discretion is the basis for intimacy. SL reminded me that she was too open about details of her sexual history with me, and has since learned to edit details that need not be shared.

Perhaps MM really doesn’t get it. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want the details of her sexual encounters with other men. MM had an “open marriage” in the past (something that I think I understand better now than before). I wondered if part of their intimacy was sharing details of encounters with their other lovers. Personally, I won’t tell others about what I did with MM, SL, or anybody else for that matter. Those details are for my lover and me alone.

Détente?

SL and I reached an uneasy détente years ago, before I became exclusive with MM. We ran a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I knew that she had another lover, she knew that I did as well. I never lied to either, suggesting that I was not seeing anybody else. I simply did not share information. At the offset, I made it clear that I had intimate friends – no names given – and understood that I was not making any implicit commitment of monogamy. I am very happy to be absolutely monogamous in a committed relationship. Indeed, I was with MM. With SL I have had an uncommon understanding that we share a bond of mutual care and that we are intimate friends. If she wished a monogamous relationship with her current lover, I could and would respect that.

I wonder if the same sort of détente is possible with MM or if I am fooling myself into believing that this could be possible. The difficulty is that I loved her. It would be easier if we were simply friends that were sexual on occasion. I loved this woman to the core of my being and have been profoundly hurt by her. Is it best to love differently or to move on? I don’t know.

Cat Stevens

I was listening to the radio shortly after this sad episode occurred. I requested a hiatus from MM following her blurting out, a day or two after she broke it off with me, that BS had sent her wine and flowers. I told her that I did not want details. She seemed to insist “in the name of friendship”. There seemed to me something twisted about that, but… I digress. When we came back together she visited. We made love. She told me that she was seeing somebody else and was sleeping with him. I was hurt, but the pain didn’t hit until much later. She demanded that I not make her the other woman, she was making me the other man. Greed. MM is good at that. I also have my faults, that is not one of them.

I was listening to the radio. Cat Stevens’ Oh Very Young was playing. The lyric hit a deep and resonating note with me:

Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time
You're only dancin' on this earth for a short while
And though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your dads best jeans
Denim blue, faded up to the sky
And though you want them to last forever
You know they never will
(You know they never will)
And the patches make the goodbye harder still.

Oh Very Young what will you leave us this time
There'll never be a better chance to change your mind
And if you want this world to see a better day
Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride the great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last forever
You know you never will
(You know you never will)
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still.

Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride, oh,oooooooooooooh

Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time
You're only dancin' on this earth for a short while
Oh Very Young, what will you leave us this time

Some things just shouldn’t be patched. Others need to be allowed to die a natural death. And others need to be valued and maintained. Oh to have the wisdom to know which.