The Cosmos Are Playing a Little Joke on Me
I am a Gemini: there is no doubt about that. We are the sexiest, smartest, best looking and most modest of the signs of the Zodiac. Scorpios are too self-absorbed and think that they are powerful (boring), Virgos are just plain boring, Capricorns and Taurans are just plain stodgy and boring. More than that, we can use words. We know how to think and to put our thoughts into words. I love being a Gemini. My chart, for those of you that “follow the stars, Venus and Mars are right tonight” (points if you know whose song that is) is something of an enigma. I once had an extended horoscope drawn. It said that this is the life in which I am to pay off my karmic debt. Apparently, I was something of a hellion in my last life. This is the one that settles the debts.
There was a time that I might have laughed at that last assertion. But looking at my life I am given pause to wonder if there is not some modicum of truth in that. I wrote a letter to a friend and in that included the following quote:
“I suppose that I long most for love, respect, friendship but realize that I will never have these things in one relationship...”I am coming to believe that for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with the stars, the fates, or any external force that I am destined (used advisedly) to fall somewhat short of what is completely good and beautiful. I do not believe that I will find what I want in one person; this has never been my experience. Perhaps it is just too damn much to ask of anybody.
A Jest of God?
There is a sort of perverse satisfaction in knowing that the cosmos would invest so much in such a little joke. I suppose all things are relative. For the cosmos it may be nothing; for me it is all that I have and am. If this life is a jest of the divine, then let us enjoy the laughs that we can have and to hell with the rest. I am not much of an epicurean, but I am coming to questions my innate stoicism.
Diogenes was a cynic. The word cynic derives from the Greek word for “dog.” He was said to have preached to the dogs and tended to regard them as more worthy than his fellow humans. I think that he was a bit warped. I do like the final joke that was played on him by the philosophic community in Greece: he was given a rather florid funeral, befitting a noble given over to extravagance. For a man that chose to live in a barrel outside of the city this tribute is ironic: he would have hated it. Almost a final “Fuck you from Plato and the guys.”
So why is it that in any divine jest we must lose? Life is the most bitter of God’s little jokes. Just as we begin to understand we fade away. Maybe understanding is overrated. I think that it is enough to enjoy the ride, not to hurt anybody, and to try to leave the world just a bit better than you found it. But to anybody that is listening: please, no elaborate funerals for me. Have a really good dinner, with really good wine then run off without paying the bill! Do leave a tip for the wait staff, though.
If Not Happy then Content
There are people that lead charmed lives, lives that happenstance has blessed with good fortune. I am not one of these. There are things that are in my realm of control. There are things that are not. What I do has an effect on the outcome of my life. What is done around me can have a greater impact on that outcome. I am not happy. I am content. I laugh. I love. I live. What more can be expected?
There is a part of me that would rather spit in the eye of the serious and sedate or would just want to tip the cart over to watch how the apples would go a-rolling.
Self Absorbed of Late
I’ve been reading my posts from the past several months. I have been really self-absorbed. There is a really histrionic tone to some of the posts. I know that I was really in pain when many of these were written. Maybe I should have simply not posted. Maybe I should have edited. The period from January through March of this year has marked a nadir that borders on whining. It has to come to an end. I use my weblog as a journal. A journal is nothing if not a means by which thoughts can be sorted out. I never really understood this as a popular place to visit to provide candy for the voyeurs of emotional disintegration on the world-wide web. I fear that is what it is becoming. Another one of the cosmos’ little jokes perhaps? It needs to end.
That begs the question of what I am doing with MM. I don’t know. She is seeking some help, while I am supportive, I am not convinced that our relationship will do well to continue the way that it has been. There is a part of me that wants to disengage some, pull back a bit and watch the progress, if any, before making any final decisions. I was deeply hurt by her in January. This much is true. I have never quite found the same trust that I had. This is also true. But it may be equally true that I am expecting too much from the relationship and it would be healthier for both to stop taxing this relationship so harshly.
Enough of that: back to the stars… If this is the life in which I am to pay by karmic debts, then so be it. But I’ll be damned if I’m not going to enjoy the ride.
- tDF
