Now, as to my state of mind... that is another thing altogether. My state of mind is tense these days. I have more monitory woes than are healthy. While I am working, it is irregular. My Financial Aid is taking, as per usual, forever to process, and life is dragging. Money will be in place, but this interim moment is painful.
MM and I got past the obstacles noted in the previous two postings, thankfully. I have been very busy and have not had or made time to write in the past several days. I have also been battling a fever. I did not get a call to work today and I am frankly glad to let my body recover, though I miss the classroom.
MM called on Sunday. She had gone to church and then brunch with a guy friend from her divorce recovery group. The first words out of her mouth when I picked up the phone were, "I love you..." That was good to hear. I did not doubt it, but her whole bearing seemed to be very negative. I was really worried.
I've been sick for the past several days. I generally hide in my cave when I am ill. I am not fun to be around and prefer to just heal up before I see others. When I was married to LA I would generally suggest a visit to her mom's with the kids to let me sleep it off and get over whatever bug I had. That was a sort of care that she could give me: space to recover. Funny thing, with MM, I only want her to be around. Her touch does more for me than anything. I don't understand why the change in attitude, all I know is that I hate to be apart from her.
I have had to ask MM for another loan. This was difficult. She asked for a note, which I consider to be a proper measure. Off course she will have a document with a fair interest rate. That is proper. I would not do anything outside of that. I hate being needful. I am so accustomed to being the one that provides, the one that gives, the one that takes care of. This role-reversal is difficult.
More later...
Here is a map of the countries where The Dancing Fool has been read... Finally international status (courtesy of eXTReMe Tracking)...
I feel asleep on the couch but the phone kept ringing. I'd answer, but no reply. I just called MM. She is going to an amusement park with M. She's a good mom. A couple of days ago I went to M's back to school night with MM, at her request. I was dying of fever and had no desire to be out and about except that MM asked for me to be with her. Her ex-husband, M's father, K, was coming. MM wanted my support. How could I say no? If my lover and best friend asks for something the answer is always, "of course."
Having spent a couple of hours with K I saw him a decent man that made a horrible decision. It is strange. I thought of going to a back to school night for R with LA and my then girlfriend. DP observed and LA, R, A, and I still acted like a family. I did not see that so much with K and MM until it was time to leave. There is a familiarity that 20+ years of knowing somebody inculcates onto a relationship. Nobody did anything inappropriate, but it was obvious that despite the events that tore this marriage apart that there was some intimacy that only time can bestow.
I am roasting with fever again. My tee-shirt is dripping and I am feeling like another shower might be in order, first the tylenols... More later.
I really resent the hell out of being sick. I dislike not being physically able to do the things that I would like to do. I suppose that I am more upset now at the difficulties that have presented themselves to me. I am working to problem solve, but it feels like I take one step forward and three steps back.
I should never have made the career choice that I did. That is clear in retrospect. None of the work that I did has lasted. It has all just faded away. I originally wanted to be a teacher, special education. I am good at this and will pursue it. But it feels like I am twenty-five years too late.
Ah well... not much more to say. This is my 99th posting. The next is the centenial... 100 issues of The Dancing Fool. Damn.
