March 24, 2005

Dazed and Confused

Do you remember that song, "Dazed and Confused"? It is my theme-song of late. I have gone from never wanting to see MM again to a sort of tentative truce. But it is just that; a tentative truce.

Angry and Definitive

My last posting was angry and definitive; it said what my email to MM said: don't call me, period. I was truly hurt by what she had said. I never told her how deeply I had been hurt by her dumping me in January. I almost ended my life. That was the straw that damn near broke my back. To hear that I was being "dishonest" was more than I could bear. What did I learn from this?


  1. Do not discuss emotionally laden issues when they are too fresh to control.
  2. Write rather than talk; I can measure text. In the moment it is too easy to revert to anger to make my point.
  3. End a conversation when I am getting angry (this will be hard). MM struck a chord that was deeper than our conversation. While I stand by my content, I abhor my method.
  4. I am not over anger, even though I thought I was.

MM's Rage

MM turns anger inward. She will strike out at me, no doubt. But she also turns anger inward and can become frightening when she attacks herself. Following a difficult time trying to talk I wrote this letter:

You've just left and I feel the need to have a few words with you. As I doubt that you will want to talk on the phone or in person for a while I thought that it was best that I write. Writing puts a bit of distance that I hope will give a sense of safety.

I understand the rage that you feel. I will not say that I know what you are feeling; I don't, I only know how it feels in me. We differ in that I tend to explode at people; you take it out on yourself. Both are damaging. Both are painful. I am not a psychologist nor do I claim any insight into that discipline. I do know what anger is like. You became very angry this evening, just like I did a couple of days ago. For me the anger always taps into the trauma that I experienced in the past. I think that it may be similar for you as well.

I don't think that you are over K. How could you be after so short a time? You were together for over twenty years. You shared a life and had many happy years. I think that you still have some unresolved anger toward him that is coming out in ways that you do not intend or of which you may even be aware. A prime example happened today when I tried to tell you about your conversation with KL's brother-in-law: your teeth gritted, your face flushed red and your voice became a growl. I don't know if you were aware of this, but the change was frightening.

I don't think you are crazy. I think you were profoundly wounded and have every right to be angry at K for what happened. I also think that you need to look at that anger to let it go so it does not go on hurting you.

For the record, you are not stupid. You are one of the most capable and intelligent women that I know. These are no mere words; I do not use them lightly. I hope that you will consider what I have observed as words from one sufferer to another; I know this terrain. I thought that I was over it. I am not. I am considering beginning another round of therapy to deal with the anger that your questioning touched off. I don't believe that I was angry at you alone, something you said set off anger that is deeply seeded, anger that I thought was dissipated (for which you bear no responsibility). It is not dissipated. It needs to be done away with. I need to address my issues. I would encourage you to think about addressing yours.

It is not normal or healthy to pull hair or to strike one's self. This is rage being acted out on the only person that you will willingly hurt: yourself. MM, for the sake of those that love you, please seek help: a counselor, a pastor, a therapist, or in whatever form that is comfortable for you. There are times when the only proof of one's courage and strength is their willingness to seek help. For me it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I know it will be hard for you, as well. It is not weakness. It requires great courage to face one's demons. And I know that you possess a noble and strong heart.

Please take these observations as they are intended: words from a friend that knows pain similar to that which you feel. Please think about how best to help yourself.

She denied that she needed help. I am convinced that she does. I have watched her self-injurious behaviors and have wondered whether or not to call 911. She has made comments about doing away with herself. In any other setting it would be grounds for a 51-50. Her feeling that if she seeks help that she will be admitting that she is "stupid" or "crazy" seems to be a way of justifying her behavior and making it OK, while looking at people like me that have sought therapy as weak. While she would not say this, nor do I think that she may intend it, it comes across that way.

Confused and Dazed

We are nowhere near "on track". As I mentioned, she did some profound damage to my ability to trust following the events in January. She tried to equate my email with that. While I can understand how she might do that, I see them as qualitatively different: mine was angry, hurt, and definitive. It also followed a request to back off unless she understood that to accuse me of dishonesty was the same, in my mind, as telling me that there was no ground upon which to stand in our relationship. She chose to go on. My email simply confirmed what she had done and was the consequence of her slander.

I have no idea where we are now. I don't know whether it is best to move on, to suggest that we create some space (make this less exclusive and more open to other possibilities), or act as if this is worth sustaining and continue acting until I can believe it.

My thinking in this moment is that things will never be the same. But that is true in the course of life, nothing remains the same. I am learning that relationships, like life itself, are finite and have a span of time for which they are durable. My best relationships are friendly and not overly well defined. I suppose that one needs to be forgiving to be my partner. I don't know what is fair to ask, what is fair to expect. Being single is harder than I ever thought it would be.


I am upset. MM blew me off again. Damn, this pisses me off. I remained calm on the phone, more than I can say she did, but I am truly upset. What part of "mean what you say, say what you mean" is unclear? She told me that she would call me when she was leaving school. I called her cell phone, noting that a good deal of time had passed. She went home and had a fight with the miscreant son: a child that is allowed too much leeway and faces no consequences because they cause too much stress for MM (it really is as absurd as it sounds). An aside is necessary here: would it not make sense to get the miscreant son under control? That would diminish the stress level overall, one would think. Not so, apparently. But I digress.

I call, get MM on the phone and ask what happened. She tells me that she is upset and needs to deal with M. I asked why she didn't call. It had been well over the time that she said she would be there and I was getting worried. I get her anger and I am supposed to be understanding as I am being blown off again. I have asked time and time again that she not say that she'll do one thing and then do another. Would a phone call really have cost her that much, say, "Hey P., I need to get M. Can I get in touch later?" Apparently that is too damn much to ask. My time is worth nothing (as I was at home waiting for her call) and she can do whatever the fuck she wants without regard for the frustration that it causes me. But my requests are worth nothing to her.

Why the hell am I doing this? This is the sort of thing that really pisses me off.


I've been thinking about this. I called MM to see how much time she'd need this evening. She responded three to four days. Days. I am sick of being seen as a cause of stress. I am sick of having my time disregarded. I am sick of the sense that I am the "junior partner" whose wishes are frankly not that important. I sent MM an email. The text is enclosed:

While I understand that you have created a situation that is stressful, I have to say that I find your request for three to four days unreasonable. I think that we need to talk tomorrow, Friday. I will be home after the noon hour. I would like to take some time then to have a conversation. I will be home if you want to speak by phone about any of this and would, of course, be happy to send my concerns via email if that would be helpful. I will look forward to speaking tomorrow.
Her response follows:
First of all I am sensing a lot of demands on me. Certainly after a year of time I would hope that you'd know that I will need chill time when I get stressed. You have kindly asked me to let you know when that happens. I have done so. I need some time to be by myself for a while. What I don't need is someone with a microscope just waiting for me to trip up and then get upset at me when I do. Please just let me chill for a few days. The constant phone calls and emails will just create more anxiety at this time. You know the feeling of wanting to not be social, please respect my same need. Also I am feeling that whatever I do is upsetting to you or wrong in your mind. That is in itself stressful.
I got her email, waited a bit and responded thusly:
There was a time when a phone call or email from me was a source of joy and not a demand. Sadly, that time seems to have passed.

Constant phone calls? I called once, ten minutes after we spoke to see what you needed. You had said nothing about needed more time. I was under the misaprehension that you wanted to see me this evening and was still waiting to see how long that would be. I was expecting time measured in hours, not days and certainly not with the anger with which you spoke.

Constant emails? One in an evening.

Being placed under a microscope and waiting for you to trip up? That is malicious and hardly my intent. I would have thought you knew me better.

Take your time, take all the time you need; but be aware of the stress that your behavior has caused for me and our relationship. I offered you help. You rebuffed me. I offer a hand, you slapped it back.

We still have need to talk.
I guess it does not matter whether we speak in a day or a week: I am ending our relationship. I will offer a friendship. But to plan my life around this, to put up with the nonsense that I have endured since January, to carry on this way expecting a change is lunacy. It had its moments, but there is a time to say goodbye. I feel that ours has come.