that your mind races like a formula one in some European classic and it continues to accelerate spinning beyond the redline fueling the need for rest but disallowing the reality of rest so I sit here like a condemned man awaiting his fate the green room having been prepared and time which normally is fleet and winged seems to have come to a standstill as I await a rest penultimate though it may be that seems to be longstanding and distant like Tantalus standing chin deep in sweet fresh water with beautiful fruit only an inch from his fingers both drawing away as he nears them to satiate his needs and appetites but only tormented by their proximity and distance ironic that there is something of a brutal irony in the fact that I am sitting typing and cannot find a moment to rest my mind is rushing racing like an Indy car over Memorial Day thoughts rushing and saying precious little worth thinking much like the news of the past several days much like listening to our president stating that if we don’t pull out of Iraq we will not be victorious much like his response to the bipartisan report suggesting that his adventurism as only cost the lives of too many combatants and innocents leaving a blood trail a stain of guilt and a metaphor for our insatiable appetites for petrochemicals and yet I am loathe to admit that I would not even be typing were it not for plastics and energy produced at the cost of the environment is that an irony or an act of hypocrisy I don’t know the church called this a double-bind original sin that is damned if you do and damned if you don’t if I am equally damned then fuck it I’ll have a good time but at what cost I was thinking about the past a few days ago dazed and confused fucking my way though an office having become something of a joke an initiation rite for new female employees of a certain age it really did not matter how many women I did at that time don’t you hate that expression as if a person is simply something not someone that is done do me cream me fuck me oh fuck me for having been such an ass during those days truth is that I didn’t have sex with half the women that my reputation might have suggested but I was a kid in a candy store in a diabetic coma in a stupor induced by excess and my mind continues bush is an ass that has no idea what the hell is his doing in Iraq and does not seem to appreciate that we this nation are the cause of terror why do they hate us because we destroyed the order of the world a novo ordo secularum that is vastly inferior to the clear and present oppression that we are ghost writers to we put Hussein into power we put the Shah into power we have been playing poker with smaller countries as part of our chess match with Communism checkmate but the bluff still goes on like Texas hold’em the river has been dealt and we are still playing the cards without regard for the man the cat is crying at my feet he chased me out of the bedroom and attacked by foot as I walked past he is a good puss cat like women you never know what makes them happy but sure as hell can tell when they are pissed I love women but do not understand them but that is part of the charm I admire and adore women but cannot claim to understand them I walked into the coffee room at my former workplace one day and overheard a conversation between two women one that had slept with me the previous week and another that had not who said that she wanted to fuck me I walked in when she said this and could only reply and so you shall my dear but never did no I never did morality confuses me why is sex a bad thing but killing on a massive scale makes for statesmanship unless you are on the wrong side of the battle in which case it becomes a war crime it seems that the whole dilemma is somewhat relative there are no absolutes left in this world Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat bad for the heart I really hate the true spirit of the holiday who really cares that it is an arbitrary declaration of the early Christian church in response to Saturnalia to have a child born of a virgin another ironic statement chastity in the face of accusations of harlotry I don’t grasp the contradictions of the Christian faith which I used to profess and now have regressed to a gentile agnosticism that is disinterested in the question because it is difficult for me to find relevance in the whole issue of God I hate insomnia the problem is
