July 13, 2004

Music and Money...

I am beginning to worry about money. I always land on my feet, sometimes harder than I'd like, though.

I am recording this week. I've been focusing my efforts on that for the past several days. I feel that this needs to be a priority. I set this as a goal for the year. I also have to make finding employment a higher priority than it is. When I am counting pennies, I know that I have entered into that "worry zone." I knew when I left work to pursue my teaching credential that money would be tight. I made a choice. No regrets.

I suppose that I still feel that I should be in the church, doing pastoral ministry. That is difficult insofar as I've pretty much rejected the central tenants of the church and am living as an agnostic. I still miss the liturgy. I don't miss all of the petty bullshit that one finds in the church, however.

It is an odd thing to look at 47 years and realize that I had been living in an inauthentic manner. That may be an overstatement, but if so only slightly. I did much of the ministry stuff well. I was a great performer. A damn fine preacher. But it was having to manage the details that escaped me. A good pastor is as much an administrator as she or he is a spiritual guide. Most folk really don't want to hear about things spiritual any way. They only want to hear that God loves them and that they don't have to take any of the repentance stuff very seriously. Cheap grace sells. I could never sell it, though.

I have to admit that I liked sex, music, and this life on this earth too damn much to have been a good apocalyptic Christian. That is the subject of another post, I suppose.

I still like sex...

It is safe to say that I have an addiction to sex. This is difficult because, like the compulsive over-eater, sex is not something from which one can abstain and remain healthy. If emotional needs are to be met, sexual expression is a normal and healthy part of that partnership. Limiting myself to one person is the choice that I have made. I believe in monogamy. Another subject for another posting... Suffice it to say that I choose not to indulge my addiction as I had in the past.

For now I have to focus on the more prosaic issues of generating income and paying my obligations. I am happy to be recording, and even enjoy the dream of living off of my music, but have to be realistic: it won't happen this year. Work... I love to work with kids. I am a good teacher. I need to attend to the many tasks that require my attention to achieve my goal of completing my credential.

DAMN... I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and there was a rhythm that sounded like a knocking near me. In my headphones it sounded like there was somebody behind me. It freaked me out! I thought that somebody was in my apartment for a moment.

It is late. Tomorrow I will spend some time with MM, take my lesson for the week, practice and prepare for my time in the studio.

Live, laugh, love...
I need to learn to live in these words and not simply write them.