Get Busy Living or Dying...

I got up today at five. No breakfast, just coffee I pushed myself to get out of bed and get in to school. I had no desire to do anything. I know the symptoms of depression and they are manifesting themselves in me. I have to push myself to keep busy, to keep moving.

I got into school. It was raining. The bus-ride was OK. The classroom that I am in today is a bit disorganized, to say the least. It has been an interesting day. The kids in this group are really low-functioning. The teacher is, to put it mildly, more comfortable with chaos than I am. I got the computers in the class to run so the kids could use their software. I wanted to call MM and realized that that would not be an option any more. Who can I call to tell my stories to? She is not available to listen to my minor victories. It was a sad moment.

I realized that SL and LA have to move on with their lives. MM has decided to move on with hers without me. Despite how I feel about it this is the reality: what is, is. I have to get my feet under me and move on. I joked with somebody on-line (playing dominos) that once you've hit bottom you need to decide whether to use a shovel and dig yourself deeper or a ladder to move up. Safe to say that I've tanked. I feel truly alone today. the bus drove by MM's street. It was a sad moment, too. Like the color of the wheat for the wise old Fox in The Little Prince. "You are forever responsible for what you have tamed..."

What I thought I had tamed has no further use of me.

So much for being responsible for and to one another. I guess that the language of interdependence is passe.

It is my breaktime. I would have called MM at this time of day to see how her class is going. Can't do that again. Another loss. Another part of my day that has been taken away with a word. "Best for both of us..." Not by a country mile.

More later... it is going to be a difficult week I need to keep my focus and do. Good meals, good planning, good efforts. Set some short term goals and meet them. I have to keep moving. Shall write more later in the day.

It is hitting me and I am devastated.

The woman that I loved in a rather curt manner announced that she was done with me. I have been in stun mode all day. She came by and dropped off a few of my things. No words spoken. My God, I am wondering how I can survive.

To add salt to the wound, I got news from both of my ex-wives today. LA is getting married. Good for her. I tried to be gracious. She has a right to a happy life. Today was just not the day to have heard this news. SL called with some info that she had received. We chatted. I asked -blurted ?- if she may want to go with me to a concert that MM was to join me for (nothing beyond sharing a night of music, no expectation of intimacies implied). I told her what happened and knowing that she loves music thought she might enjoy the show. She told me that she could not as she was going away to Las Vegas with her new friend and intended to be intimate with him for the first time during that trip. Again, there is nothing I can say. I wished her well but wondered why I had to hear that tonight (or at all).

All of it drove home how desolate I am feeling. So here I am. My heart is broken. I have to teach tomorrow. I have to pull it together but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die.

MM did not even have the courtesy to tell me to my face. I suppose that may be karma biting me in the ass. I’ve broken off a couple of relationships via email, thinking it would be easier that way. But those were not as serious as this one: certainly the word “love” never entered the picture in those; much less commitment, or the thought of growing old with somebody.

My hands are shaking. My throat is hurting with cries that won’t surface. My chest has a dull ache where my heart should be.

This is what MM wrote to me:

The easiest thing for us to do at this juncture is for me to return all that is yours. I will expect to do this when A. has left but not tomorrow evening. There are no ill feelings as I know that both of must be free to be who we are. I have learned and gained so much from you. It is my hope that I have left you with positive memories and you have benefited from knowing me. It is very clear from what you have written in your blog as well as the note you sent to me what would be the best for both of us. Know that you are well loved and respected for who you are.

The only thing that I know from this letter is that I cannot trust the human heart. I was given no voice in deciding what was “best for us.” The hardest line to read is "well loved and respected..." but not enough to say any of this to my face or to talk things over. This is not best for "us" by any damn stretch of the imagination.

Discarded again, like so much trash on the side of the road… I hurt. Damn, but I hurt.