I don't understand why a lover has the need to compare notes, especially in a way that is vulgar or insulting. I have never been one to share the details of my intimacies. What I do and with whom is nobody's business apart from the people directly involved: my lover and me. When MM asks me who's right about her technique with other men it is hurtful, profoundly so. It feels like the language a whore would use, beneath the dignity of a lady. Still, she persists with this. It is difficult for me, and very hurtful.
More Later... kids coming into class
The kids have come and gone. I called MM and am now at home. I did not sleep well. She told me that she did not and was tired. She noted some cardiac symptoms and anxiety. She made a comment that struck a raw nerve: I did not think I would awaken (paraphrased). I was suicidal when she dumped me. Had it not been for the way my kids would have remembered me and for a hotline that I found on the internet I am not certain that I would have pulled through. I am deeply scarred by her lies and inability to be honest and forthcoming. There is a cold and cruel part of me that thinks, "good, about goddamn time that you felt a bit of what you did to me..." The greater part of me is aghast at such thoughts.
This bullshit about her doing "what is easier for me" is crap. She lied to me rather than tell me the truth about wanting time alone. She lied about intentions to be with me. She wants to be judged on her character, thinking that it is "OK" to be dishonest to spare feelings. Lies hurt me deeply. I cannot trust a liar. I once commented that when a lie is told that I may not say anything, I may even understand; I would never trust again. I assume honesty. Once this is broken it is damn hard for me to trust again.
I keep thinking that she is looking for ways to push me out. She obviously does not want me, except on her terms and then only for her needs...
Note: There was more to this posting. I was making a change and lost the copy. I decided simply to post it as is, a work in progress, seeking resolution. It can be a labored metaphor.
