I go to court this morning to put to rest the ticket that I received in September. I am very nervous and - though I am reasonably certain that this will come out well - want to be on the other side of the process. I have observed years ago that the anxiety is usually worse than the experience. The idea of having to wait for something becomes antithetical to hope - also future oriented - and find myself becoming tense, feeling all of the symptoms that appertain to my anxiety. The idea of hope is an optimism about the future, looking forward and trusting that it will be better than the past. I hope. I hope.
I was speaking to MM about the situation that this issue as set into motion. I have become more dependent than I have been since being a child. I have to look to friends for rides, use public transit until this is put to rest. The whole thing began as a result of a severe misunderstanding that I had that mushroomed into this situation. When I look back, I realize that I should have kept better records, should have been better organized, should have... It's the "shoulds" that are my moralistic voice of condemnation. Between the dependency and my internal parental voice of censure, I find that I feel much like I did as an adolescent. MM commented that she will be glad when this is over. I told her I would be more so.
MM has been nothing but supportive. Thank God for her.
The damnedest thing is happening between MM and I: without knowing or speaking, we are beginning to dress in the same colors, suffer the same pains (headache, ill stomach and so on) simultaneously. It seems that we are having sympathy pains for each other, but without knowing. She will develop a headache; I will begin to feel it. I will dress in one color, to find her dressed in the same, and visa versa. I've joked with her that I wish that she'd get over her headache so I can feel better. I am concerned about our anxiety. I opted, last night, just to chat with MM on the phone and stay home. In retrospect, I probably would have been OK with her, but was worried that I was so tense that she might be affected. MM told me that she and M had a good day. Maybe it was good for them to have Mom and Son time without me there.
I am listening to Morning Edition on-line. I do like the streaming. I can listen to my favorite programs on NPR "on-demand." I wonder about the rest of my life: I need to get into a place that I can access information, access funds, access whatever I need "on demand." I am not certain how to do that. MM is very organized. I have thought to ask for her help. I am a bit ashamed of my messes though.
The time is coming. I need to go to the bus-stop and catch the 11 to the Ventura Court House to put this silly thing to rest. I am bringing my book, which will be a "fidget tool" more than a serious read until after the session is done. I am dressed in "business casual" today, opting away from my suit, partly because I didn't hang it (though I could have worn the grey one) and partly because I am more comfortable in these clothes. I hope that my comfort translate into calm.
This is just a moment in the karmic stream. It, too, will pass. I need to remain calm and trust in my serenity while daring to hope.
It is now about twenty minutes after one. I am home. Things went well, as I expected them to. The funny thing is that the anxiety makes panic over nothing an almost palpable phantasm (as contradictory as that sounds) that threatens by its imperceptible presence, which can only be imagined. Either way, I am glad that this chapter has come to a close. I have to light a fire under the people at the University. I am told that my financial aid is "still in progress." I've explained that this has created something of a crisis for me. Ultimately, I am responsible. I need to act and do so decisively.
I have looked at my hit-counter and compared it to my tracking system. One claims 1,820 hits (the counter) while the tracker claims 1,910 hits. I don't know which to trust. I just tried to reset the counter, but would need to recreate it. It really is nothing. If you read my stuff that is satisfaction enough. The numbers are pure vanity, I suppose. And I have so little vanity in my life... It is nice to be concerned about something as trivial as the counter. I am relaxing a bit. A good feeling, that.
