I’ve been in a place of self-reflection of late. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about past relationships and their undoing. I’ve come to a place of seeing that my partners have had their part in the undoing of a love and I have had mine. To a greater or lesser degree, I am responsible. That, really, is not the point, though. I am thinking about how to move past pain and regret into a place of forgiveness.
Forgetting Is Not Part of the Equation.
I’ve come to believe that forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting. That is a naïve equation. If I forget it is as if nothing happened; a consequence of this is that nothing is learned. Learning is a costly endeavor. Learning about the human heart is the most costly of all. We humans are imperfect. We love partly out of selfish motives, partly out of selfless motives. There is a paradox in that and that paradox creates a tension that I think is fundamental to the heart’s longing for a beloved.
No, forgiveness can only happen when the choice is made to exonerate the other in full knowledge of the pain. How else can healing happen? I can merrily allow the disease to go on, lying to myself and the other or I can face down the difficulty and let go of my claim. This is not to say that I will stand and be a doormat: that is stupidity. Forgiveness is the absolution that allows for repentance (allowing for my overtly religious vocabulary).
What Does this Mean for Me?
I have come to a point of declaring a general amnesty to all those that have hurt me. This does not mean that I wish to reestablish connections with all of these people. In some cases I don’t believe that they are capable of an honest relationship of any sort. People that have elected to lie cannot be trusted to be honest. People that have trashed my heart repeatedly cannot be seen as friends; they have proven that their moral character is diminished. There is a point when forgiveness becomes an expression of cheap grace that demands no repentance. That is foolishness. I will be nobody’s doormat. But, equally, I will not live in bitterness toward those people.
There are people that I once loved. There are people that chose to treat the love offered cheaply. There are those that I offended and hurt as well. Forgiveness means not forgetting the pain, but moving beyond it. I will not allow my life to be defined by the way others have treated my heart. That is foolishness. Equally, I will not be the slave of my own desire for them to hurt like they hurt me.
Bitterness
“Get over it” has become my new mantra. I can choose life of choose death. Get busy living or dying, but just sitting is not life. I will not give the power to hurt me to those that have been unworthy of my heart’s deepest emotions. I have recently given that to a person that was in no way worthy of that. My mistake: I should never have allowed myself to go there. Get over it… get over her. Move on without harboring any bitterness toward her. She is not worth the energy.
Bitterness is expensive. It costs life itself. It seems to me that the many psycho-babes that I encountered had some measure of this in their lives. It is like poison. It eventually becomes the stuff that defines relationships in the light of a past not processed. The sins of the past become the context of the present and I am held accountable for the sins of others. That is the result of not living in forgiveness. I will not do that to anybody else. As for those of you that have done this to me, you have to live with your own private hell with flames of your own kindling and chains of your own forging. This was not done to you; by choosing not to let go you have made this into a hell.
You have two choices, roast in the flames or get over it.
It really is that simple.
