June 24, 2004
Life Sucks and then You Die
It is times like these that I wish I were not. No, I am not suicidal; life simply sucks. This evening went to hell when I tried to communicate my concerns about needing time for my stuff in my place with MM. Needless to say, the conversation went to hell in a handbasket. She just can't seem to grasp that I don't feel at home in her house when I have set parts of my life on hold to be with her. I chose to be with her. I am responsible for that. But I really don't have any desire to sit and watch her pull weeds or play with her damn dogs when I have frankly sacrificed something of mine to be there. Maybe I am acting like a self-centered pig when I say that. I know that she has a lot on her plate. I have tried to be supportive. I am sick and tired of having to spend all of our time together there. My home has become a site for quickies and to dump stuff. It is almost as if I don't have a home anymore. I don't like that feeling at all. I tried to communicate this to her and only heard that I was attacking her and that she has a tender heart. DAMNIT...
Life sucks. Period.
No More Living in the Past
It has been a while since I’ve had the time to sit at my desk and write. I am spending almost all of my free time with MM and, as a consequence of that choice, am behind on other tasks. I suppose that I feel – rationally, at least – that I need to spend more time here and to tend to other tasks, but as soon as I do so, I begin to miss MM. So it goes; I am lovesick and am happy to spend every moment I can with MM, but need to learn to balance what needs to be done with what I want to do. A happy dilemma, it is, however.
I have been teaching a combination third/fourth grade special education class over the summer. This has been a good experience. I feel like my authentic self in a classroom. Teaching resonates with a part of my soul that has been too often ignored. I made the choice to pursue a credential following my departure from my last place of employment. When I am in the classroom I feel like I should never have pursued pastoral ministry, instead dedicating myself to what I feel is my true vocation. The kids respond well to me and appear to be having a good time with me; most importantly they are learning.
I’ve been struggling with a glitch in my BA. Years ago – I do mean nearly 25 years ago, too – there was a bug in my BA. It seems that somebody did not record two units. My degree was never granted. Now I learned this just recently, following several years of advanced study, inclusive of no fewer that three graduate level degrees. One might think that somebody would have noticed and would have said something. I just got a call that said that I do not have a permit, even though I am hired and am working off of that permit. Bass-akwards, I guess. It is paper and time. This can be solved.
My second ex-wife, SL, has called several times. I have tried to be polite, but I am concerned about the number of calls that I have received. We were once very friendly. I would like to find a way to continue in a friendship. I sense some tension with her, however, that is uncomfortable. I know that MM is somewhat uncertain about my talking with SL. I really don’t know how best to balance the thing. SL is a friend and I am very committed to my friends. MM is my friend and lover, again, I am passionately committed to her. I could use a voice from on-high directing me to make a good choice.
I’ve spoken briefly with MM about SL and indicated that I would want to be friendly (I don’t see myself driving up the coast to see her, or doing much beyond the occasional phone contact, distance - both in terms of geography and in its metaphorical sense - is now a factor). MM appeared to intimate that she strongly preferred that I not be in contact with SL. She has nothing to worry about. There is not a single, solitary chance in hell that SL and I could get back together. I felt betrayed by her and am unable to trust her in any serious sort of way. The trust necessary for me to sustain anything beyond casual contact is simply not there.
I suppose that there is no good reason to stay in touch. Really, how many divorced couples remain friends. There is a lot of lip-service paid to the idea of an amicable separation, but who wants to spend the holidays with their ex-spouse and the new family? SL’s kids are miscreants on their best of days. Why would I want to subject myself to that? There is no reason to do so. I guess that I am more codependent than I thought I was or like to admit to. It is harder each day to walk away from friendships, however flawed they were. I really don’t have any desire to see these people; I guess I really hate the idea of having to admit that I botched two marriages and don’t seem capable of doing that well.
This is frightening for me given my feelings for MM. Late at night I wonder is she is not “the one.” I have never been in such an intense and loving relationship. She is kind, gentle, honest, trustworthy and trusting. She and I go well together. We seem to fit each other like a pair of comfortable shoes. That is not to say that there is no passion. We make love several times a day. We are both fiery and tender. SL and I were good in bed, but made lousy partners. LA and I were mutually irritating. MM and I are truly best friends and lovers.
Damn, does it not make sense to do everything in my power to nurture that? I love her and I love her son. She loves my daughters and loves me. The kids may be reticent – with good reason – but I don’t sense that there is anything insurmountable. I don’t want to rush anything nor do I want to impose expectations on a still fresh relationship. I am amazed at MM’s ability to love me and mine to love her. We are friends, confidants, lovers, emotionally supportive, intellectually supportive.
Looking at these words the solution seems clear: I need to ask SL not to call any more. She is a symbol of a sad past. MM is the sign of a hopeful future. Damn, I do love her so.
I am such a lovesick fool…
I have been teaching a combination third/fourth grade special education class over the summer. This has been a good experience. I feel like my authentic self in a classroom. Teaching resonates with a part of my soul that has been too often ignored. I made the choice to pursue a credential following my departure from my last place of employment. When I am in the classroom I feel like I should never have pursued pastoral ministry, instead dedicating myself to what I feel is my true vocation. The kids respond well to me and appear to be having a good time with me; most importantly they are learning.
I’ve been struggling with a glitch in my BA. Years ago – I do mean nearly 25 years ago, too – there was a bug in my BA. It seems that somebody did not record two units. My degree was never granted. Now I learned this just recently, following several years of advanced study, inclusive of no fewer that three graduate level degrees. One might think that somebody would have noticed and would have said something. I just got a call that said that I do not have a permit, even though I am hired and am working off of that permit. Bass-akwards, I guess. It is paper and time. This can be solved.
My second ex-wife, SL, has called several times. I have tried to be polite, but I am concerned about the number of calls that I have received. We were once very friendly. I would like to find a way to continue in a friendship. I sense some tension with her, however, that is uncomfortable. I know that MM is somewhat uncertain about my talking with SL. I really don’t know how best to balance the thing. SL is a friend and I am very committed to my friends. MM is my friend and lover, again, I am passionately committed to her. I could use a voice from on-high directing me to make a good choice.
I’ve spoken briefly with MM about SL and indicated that I would want to be friendly (I don’t see myself driving up the coast to see her, or doing much beyond the occasional phone contact, distance - both in terms of geography and in its metaphorical sense - is now a factor). MM appeared to intimate that she strongly preferred that I not be in contact with SL. She has nothing to worry about. There is not a single, solitary chance in hell that SL and I could get back together. I felt betrayed by her and am unable to trust her in any serious sort of way. The trust necessary for me to sustain anything beyond casual contact is simply not there.
I suppose that there is no good reason to stay in touch. Really, how many divorced couples remain friends. There is a lot of lip-service paid to the idea of an amicable separation, but who wants to spend the holidays with their ex-spouse and the new family? SL’s kids are miscreants on their best of days. Why would I want to subject myself to that? There is no reason to do so. I guess that I am more codependent than I thought I was or like to admit to. It is harder each day to walk away from friendships, however flawed they were. I really don’t have any desire to see these people; I guess I really hate the idea of having to admit that I botched two marriages and don’t seem capable of doing that well.
This is frightening for me given my feelings for MM. Late at night I wonder is she is not “the one.” I have never been in such an intense and loving relationship. She is kind, gentle, honest, trustworthy and trusting. She and I go well together. We seem to fit each other like a pair of comfortable shoes. That is not to say that there is no passion. We make love several times a day. We are both fiery and tender. SL and I were good in bed, but made lousy partners. LA and I were mutually irritating. MM and I are truly best friends and lovers.
Damn, does it not make sense to do everything in my power to nurture that? I love her and I love her son. She loves my daughters and loves me. The kids may be reticent – with good reason – but I don’t sense that there is anything insurmountable. I don’t want to rush anything nor do I want to impose expectations on a still fresh relationship. I am amazed at MM’s ability to love me and mine to love her. We are friends, confidants, lovers, emotionally supportive, intellectually supportive.
Looking at these words the solution seems clear: I need to ask SL not to call any more. She is a symbol of a sad past. MM is the sign of a hopeful future. Damn, I do love her so.
I am such a lovesick fool…
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