Everything is going to hell in a handbasket, it seems. What the fuck did I do to have such a miserable lot in life? I've struggled to do well for those about me, often at my own expense. I've given all I had to the poor and feel like Job cursing his life.
My date in court went well, but it was a major source of anxiety.
MM yelled at me this morning. We spent a day angry.
A, my daughter, announced that she is not feeling "secure" with me and does not want to come visit her father. Her mother is behind this, I know. I spoke to my lawyer and will begin a lawsuit to put an end to this stupidity.
R is broke and told me that she needs money; can't even afford groceries.
School is suffering.
Music is suffering.
It is my mother's birthday. I called to wish her a happy birthday. She would not take the call.
Life sucks. It would be so much easier just to put an end to it. This is something that I would never do, though. I could not bear the idea of dying a coward and having my children bear that as their last memory of their father. I sometimes wish I could be hit by a car or something to stop the pain of being.
God, I have nothing.
I have to find the strength in me to face another day, to somehow live despite it all.
God, I wish I had a reason to go on.
