Time Passes
I remember how horrible it was when my father turned fifty. He cried out against the injustice of the gods and threatened to take us all down with him. He was always given to violent outbursts and his aging has done little to curb this tendency toward hyperbole. I’ve decided to walk more gently toward that good night. A favorite poem by Dylan Thomas comes to mind:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might
have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they
grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse,bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
It is the dying of the light that is the object and the occasion of rage, not the son or family. So how shall I rage against the dying of the light except to live in the face of death?
MS and AIDS
I’ve given serious thought to doing the MS Tour or the AIDS ride to celebrate my birthday. I would have to raise at least $2,500 dollars in donations to do the ride, but what the hell? I can do this. It is just a matter of planning and making it happen. I would rather raise money to spit in the eye of death than go down in a whimper or worse a misdirected bang. I have lost several friends to AIDS and had a serious scare with MS several years ago (I had symptoms that looked like the onset of MS, turned out to be anxiety).
I believe in living in this moment and not worrying about an afterlife. I am dubious about afterlife and wonder if this is not simply a means to soften the blow of our own mortality. Religious claims about heaven and hell all seem to be ways of justifying our own prejudices and softening our fears: we are small in this world, but will be great in the next. Best not to worry about that, just to live in the now.
New Year Resolves
I have made several resolutions in the past. I am not doing that this year; for me resolutions seem to be exercises in futility. I have goals and lifestyle changes that are more important than my so-called “resolves” for the New Year. Most pressing is my weight (I’ve made mention of that in the past, enough said).
I think that if I have any resolutions for this year it is this: I will turn fifty gracefully and enjoy the new chapter in my life. Enough for now.
Happy New Year.
- tDF
