Today seems to have been one such day. MM and I had been spending a wonderful weekend together. It was sweet. We went to see “Shall We Dance?” During the movie MM became upset at my response to a character in the film whose part I understood on a very deep level (a real accomplishment for a film that is little more than mind candy). I chose to ignore her “shush” (a response that I really despise). On the way out of the film I was reminded of the time that I tried to take dance lessons. I am the only Latin in the world that can’t dance. I told MM how the teacher looked at me and asked if I was a musician. I responded in the affirmative. His response was, “Figures, none of your can move.” She laughed. I frankly did not mean the story to be funny. I was really humiliating as it happened in front of the class. I responded to MM, “You think that’s funny?” That’s what started it.
MM became visibly angry. Her whole demeanor suggested that she was pissed. I was getting the silent treatment. I hate that. The last time she did that it lasted for four days. I said as much: “I really hate the way this feels… if you are angry with me tell me what I did…” She announced that she was angry with herself and continued to shut me out. I still had no idea what this was about. I did what I do: I prodded a bit until I learned that she was angry at herself about her comment. Frankly her response was WAY disproportionate to the comment. I would have been happy to have let it go and move on. She needed – for reasons that escape my understanding – to nurse this into some sort of great sin against God and the universe.
For privacy’s sake I will not catalog her response. Suffice it to say that it was draining to me. I can’t take having to check every response to consider what will or will not set her off. The cost of having to have brought her down left me emotionally bankrupt. I wanted to get the hell out of there but did not dare to do so.
I stayed.
I made dinner.
I tried to take care of her.
I felt snubbed. Now, I have, in all fairness, to state that I was really raw following the emotional roller-coaster that I was subjected to today. MM was reviewing her email. She got her new statement on her house-payment, $200.00 less than my “shit-box” apartment. The funny thing is that I never considered my home to be a shit-box until MM called it that. She is of the opinion that I should let it go. That comment, made several months ago, still stings. Being told that I am paying that much more for nothing was more than I could take after going out of my way to be kind to her today. I slipped. I commented that I was paying “$200.00 per month more for what you [MM] elegantly termed my ‘shit-box’ apartment.”
The truth is she hates this place. She refuses to spend more than a passing few moments here. The excuse is that her son needs her at home, but in reality M is rarely at home. We spend no time here. I’ve never really accepted that as the reason. It seemed convenient and better not to push to hard.
I really don’t care how bad a home is, I would never tell the person living there that their residence was a shit-box. Yes, it is true: that was said a long time ago and she has apologized numerous times but it still hurts. Given the violence of the afternoon and all of the stuff that happened it was too much for me to think that I was being told about her new lower payment for her three bedroom home that she is remodeling soon.
I needed to get out, into my little shit-box home. It is nothing to be proud of. It is all that I have. I just could not be there any longer. It seems that I give and give and it is never enough. Not for my daughter, not for my friends, not for MM.
I’m sick of this.
I deserve better.
I am writing an addendum to this posting several days later (11/06). We had a wild and woolly weekend, but worked things out. We agreed that what we have is valuable and requires work. Both of us have been hurt deeply by betrayal and infidelity. Both of us can be quite tender at times. Where we differ is how we respond to anxiety. I am a talker, MM requires silence. I need to learn to regard her silence as a time for introspection and recentering, she needs to learn how to speak a few timely words so I understand that. We both love each other deeply and are committed to each other. When I think of this woman that loves me so deeply and without condition I am in awe and have to say that I don't deserve such a gracious and beautiful woman, but I have been graced with her love despite my shortcomings. I am, indeed, a fortunate man.
- tDF
