I spoke with MM. She was upset and felt that I had not been completely forthcoming with the current events of my life. I tried to assure her that, to the fullest degree possible, I had and noted that when she had asked I answered to the fullest extent possible. She seemed to calm herself. I know that she feels that she is an easy mark and easily taken advantage of. I suppose that this may be part of the unequal footing that we share. In many ways she is much stronger than I am. Nurturers meet weakness and seek to heal. They often do so at personal expense. I've done the same. I understand, to a certain extent, what she is feeling. What disturbs me is the tacit accusation that I have been dishonest. I have not made any attempt to deceive - by omission or commission - or to conceal. When asked I have answered. Often I don't know the answers. I tend to reserve comment until I do. That is where she is getting bits and pieces. I am not certain how better to communicate. I hate to make statements that I will later have to retract because they were erroneous.
I spoke to Sacramento and learned that I had an outstanding ticket from 2002 of which I had no knowledge. I had moved. It was a photo that was alleged to have been taken of me turning against a red arrow. There was no notification to me and, following a failure to appear (how could I appear when I did not even know about the ticket?) the ticket became a suspension. This, by coincidence was posted the same day as my LACo issue. I am sorting all of this shit out, but it is draining me. I come home depressed, feeling like there is an emotional vampire that sucks the life out of me, leaving me only with a feeling of having been killed by 1,000 cuts.
I saw the debate tonight; I wished that Kerry had come out fighting. Bush referred to Kerry as a "liberal Massachusetts Senator" and tried to tar Kerry with the Kennedy brush. Then the rat bastard turned around and pointed to how Kennedy had voted with him (Bush). Kerry did well, but I fear that he did not do well enough. He needed a knock-out punch. It may have been a win by decision, but there was no count to ten with Bush laying face-down, defeated, on the mat. Kerry had him on the ropes, but he never went down.
Financial Aid should be coming soon... That will be a stress reliever for me. I can
pay back MM and take care of my little car (she needs some work) as well as pay rent for the next several months. God, I hate to depend on anybody else.
I am feeling rather punk today. There is another flu going around and I am feeling peaked. I have to go to court tomorrow to clear up the mess with my license and tickets. I hope that I am up to it. I also have to go to class tomorrow night. Damn, I am wiped. Enough. Time to move on. MM had a dream that she was ice-skating with Tai Babilonia and that she - MM - wore a beautiful flowing dress. She said they moved gracefully over the ice. It sounded so beautiful.
I would want to be sailing, on a perfect broad reach, the boat and my life in balance. It would be so beautiful.
