It has been a rough couple of days.
My friend has been feeling an incredible amount of stress at work. Let me say this here and now: she is a master at what she does, there are few – indeed, if any – that are in her league. I say that because I have seen her working, not because of my feelings toward her. Sad to say, part of her job requires her to face people that are quick to critique, sometimes without grounds. This causes no small amount of stress to her. That was evident this weekend. Add my stress and we managed to set each other off. I tried to be supportive to her but ended up hitting a rather sore spot. She snapped at my me in front of my daughter. I took umbrage at that. It went downhill from that.
We were able to resolve things, but it was a pain-filled couple of days. I broke down, thinking that I had offended her and had lost her. She came over and we were able to work things out. We went to a local festival together and spent some time together with the kids. It was a tough weekend. I am glad for how it worked out. My daughter fell asleep on her couch and we decided to stay. I made breakfast and we stayed together on Sunday. Yes, it was a good weekend, but it made me think about my own anxiety and my tendency to age-regress when I am feeling severe stress.
Several entries ago I wrote about age-regression. It is frightening when it happens. I went through all of the broken relationships that had ended despite my protestations to keep them afloat. It seems that I have lost several significant relationships and have felt betrayed by the women that have left me. I tend to love very deeply and will work hard to keep love alive. When it dies it is hard for me. I time-tripped through almost all of my lost loves when my friend came to my door. She said she saw hatred in me. What she saw was pain and fear. The fact is that she came. She came to me to work this out. She said that she did not want to lose what could be the best thing in her life. Damn, I do love her so.
We need to find a way to support each other when we are both stressing. That may be easier said than done, however.
Today was a good day. I worked on her computer, set it up the way that she wanted and got her office organized in a manner that would allow her to have access to her tools easily. I felt good about that. We made love several times today. It was good to feel her heart beating against mine. I missed holding her. There is something healing and life-affirming in her embrace.
I am in the last minute grind of school. I really let myself fall far behind. Nothing that can’t be made up with lots of coffee and no small amount of bullshit. I worked on part of my school stuff today at my friend’s house. Our kids really get on well together. Watching my daughter and her son is like watching a brother and sister that love each other interact. The two watched movies, teased each other, just hung out together and seemed to enjoy each other’s company.
I’m at home now, doing my journal and writing other stuff. I have the DVD of the movie Eight Men Out playing in a corner of the computer. This is great for my AD/HD. I get some peripheral attention that ironically allows me to focus on what I am doing. I can write and follow a movie at the same time. This is a good thing. Monday, Monday… It is coming soon. Soon I will also face down another birthday. I mentioned to my friend that I tend to get depressed on my birthday. She told me that she was excited about the presie that she got for me. I do love her so.
In a couple a weeks we will roto-till her garden and plant some veggies. And I will turn 47. Still recording. Still aging. Still postponing death by yet another day. It is getting late. I need to turn in and get some rest. Coffee in the morning and a bit more work.
It will be a good day.
And I am such a lovesick fool…
