Later today....
OK... I thought, "Do the right thing: Send a kind email, visit, chat face to face." All of this only to be rebuffed every time I offered some indication of contrition. I have never felt unwelcomed in my friend's home until this evening. I left angry, opting not to say anything rather than say something that I would regret as soon as the words left my lips. I am not inclined to say a damn word more about this issue, however. I've made my mea culpa and will not say anything more.
Fuck, I'm accustomed to being treated like shit by people that are supposed to love me. That has been the way of my life. I am sick of it. I'm not going any place where I am not welcomed. That's for damn sure.
April 14, 2004
Mea Culpa - Redux
I have an enduring talent for saying the right things but in the wrong ways...
Damn but I wish that I’d learn the power of the words that I use with such cavalier ease. It seems that I stuck my foot well into it again. The more I speak, the worst it gets, so I should just shut the fuck up.
It is never enough to mouth a mea culpa unless there is some plan to repent from the sins and faults committed. Bonhoeffer called it cheap grace to simply say words of faith without entering into the struggle to live the words that are said. I struggle to live the words, not to say them too loudly. I realize that I am the master at saying all of the right things – having reason for what is stated – without taking pains enough to assure that my reason does not trample on another’s sensibilities.
I blew it a few days ago with my friend. I feel sad about this. I wanted to find a way to express concerns that were best restricted to my private journal. Instead I put them here and they became fodder for the fire. I’m “right” in what I say, factually. I’m wrong in how I expressed these facts. I have need to speak, to say what I feel, to find a way to talk about what I hold most deeply. I just am goddamed it I know how to do it in a way that does not seem adversarial or judgmental.
This has been a lifelong struggle. I don’t know. It is as if this has become a window to my soul – a true one that others can see – which should be looked into cautiously. I need to see how I can restrict some entries and leave others open. That may help, but it seems to fly in the face of my not wanting to have secrets. Maybe I was wrong to allow anybody in to see these words. The presence of an observer changes the experiment. The knowledge that someone beloved is reading changes the text. All of these mean that the publication of a journal of one’s intimate thoughts changes the journal itself. Heisenburg, with regards to quantum mechanics, wrote: The more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa. I have always been a theological agnostic. I wish that I could find some certainty here.
I hate the idea of having to self-censor. I just have no idea how the hell to talk about things that I feel so strongly about without being offensive. That is enough for now.
Damn but I wish that I’d learn the power of the words that I use with such cavalier ease. It seems that I stuck my foot well into it again. The more I speak, the worst it gets, so I should just shut the fuck up.
It is never enough to mouth a mea culpa unless there is some plan to repent from the sins and faults committed. Bonhoeffer called it cheap grace to simply say words of faith without entering into the struggle to live the words that are said. I struggle to live the words, not to say them too loudly. I realize that I am the master at saying all of the right things – having reason for what is stated – without taking pains enough to assure that my reason does not trample on another’s sensibilities.
I blew it a few days ago with my friend. I feel sad about this. I wanted to find a way to express concerns that were best restricted to my private journal. Instead I put them here and they became fodder for the fire. I’m “right” in what I say, factually. I’m wrong in how I expressed these facts. I have need to speak, to say what I feel, to find a way to talk about what I hold most deeply. I just am goddamed it I know how to do it in a way that does not seem adversarial or judgmental.
This has been a lifelong struggle. I don’t know. It is as if this has become a window to my soul – a true one that others can see – which should be looked into cautiously. I need to see how I can restrict some entries and leave others open. That may help, but it seems to fly in the face of my not wanting to have secrets. Maybe I was wrong to allow anybody in to see these words. The presence of an observer changes the experiment. The knowledge that someone beloved is reading changes the text. All of these mean that the publication of a journal of one’s intimate thoughts changes the journal itself. Heisenburg, with regards to quantum mechanics, wrote: The more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa. I have always been a theological agnostic. I wish that I could find some certainty here.
I hate the idea of having to self-censor. I just have no idea how the hell to talk about things that I feel so strongly about without being offensive. That is enough for now.
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