October 17, 2004

Different Expectations and Disparate Goals

If there is one thing that truly frustrates me about my relationship with MM it is that she will not respond to simple queries about what we want in our relationship. I asked her very directly several days ago what she thinks about our relationship and where she sees it going and her response was that it was “interesting.” Now, I must say that “interesting” is a code word that I use when I don’t like something but choose to be diplomatic. At first I responded as if that was her meaning and then thought again and asked her to parse out her answer. “It’s interesting…” was the non-answer that she offered and evaded the question, leaving me frustrated.

I suppose that this is the major issue that causes me concern about MM in the long run. On one hand she will project into a murky future together, but on the other she is clear that she does not wish to share a home. Neither of us believes in marriage. I am tired of living alone and want a partner in the same home. She does not and has said as much, in blissful ignorance of my desires I think. It would not be like to be so forward, knowing that we differ on this issue. It seemed to me that she believed that we shared that opinion. We do not.

I have often written in this ‘blog that I would see us living together in the future. I know that she reads this (as she has commented on things written); thus it is fair to assume that she knows my opinion on this issue.

Tonight, it was a bit before midnight. I was tired as she was. I was sent home. We do not sleep together. We have a vibrant sex life, but we don’t sleep together. She attributes this to my snoring. I became impatient with what I consider a canard. I do not believe that MM is lying. I think that she, like so many of us, will accept a seemingly less offensive explanation than to face the truth squarely. It is human to want to lessen the impact of what we feel. The snoring thing, however, is simply irritating to me.

If that were the case she would have taken steps to address the issue. She has not and has persistently refused, coming up with one half-assed reason after another not to. She has said that she prefers to sleep alone (and said so this evening). That is what I think rests at the heart of the matter. This is the limit of intimacy that she chooses to impose on the relationship. That may be simply closer than she is willing to risk, to accept. Snoring is not the issue. Intimacy is. She has said that she likes things the way that they are. We are friendly. We have great sex. She does not want to share her home with me or anybody else, though.

This is where I fear that we part ways. I have been single far too long. I hate sleeping alone and facing the kitchen alone. I miss taking care of my mate, doing those things that only happen when there is one home. I don’t know where we will go from this juncture. It has to be navigated carefully. I do know that I hate an empty bed, making coffee for one, not sharing my life with my beloved. MM, I think, is content to keep things contained and controlled. In that way, I believe, she may think that she will not be hurt again.

At what point does one have to assert what is pressing and vital to one’s self? I do not want to appear as if I am flinging down the gauntlet in the form of an ultimatum. But, neither do I want to face an empty bed. If these positions are intractable, then the relationship needs to be considered in that light. I am not willing to compromise on this issue: I do not want to be alone much longer.

I don’t know what to do or how to serve the love that we share.