I just stumbled upon an article on Esquire magazine’s webpage: brutally honest personals. For reasons that elude me, people are posting ads telling how horrible they are in the hopes of finding a partner. Reading through these is a bit like a train-wreck that you can’t take your eyes off of. How many partners did you have? The guys listed had low numbers, the woman that promised sex after a vodka and soda probably has had a few.
I hated dating when I was trying to find somebody. There is something absolutely uncivilized about the whole idea, not to mention the advantage that the extroverts have over we introverted folk. I tried Lava Life and Match.com both and learned that it was very easy to get laid, especially by the women who were looking for a long-term, steady relationship. There is something artificial about using the ‘net. I never really had good success. When I was in the depth of my sexual excess, I used to prowl through Tele-personals and usually could generate several partners per week from the long-term steady relationship category. Ironic, huh? It was clear that intentions were clear and one might think that the game-playing might be diminished because of that. Still, I can’t say that I had good success with any of these services in finding a long-term love. I think that what happens is that an image of the person is established and that flesh and blood cannot live up to the ideal that the mind has created.
In all fairness, I have to say that I know people that have had good success with these services. Looking at the questions on the form for the brutally honest personal ads is a bit like looking at my internal demons. The Esquire webpage notes the following:
“If you still live with your mother, be proud of that. If your stomach hangs a bit over your belt, it just shows that you like food. If you've got a face made for radio, let us know. Anything is fair game, as long as it's truthful. The most important thing is to be as honest as possible and cover all shortcomings—financial, physical, emotional, etc. If you sound like a good fit for the feature, we will email you back.”
What would I write?
- Body Type – Hey, I’m forty-seven and have become a large land mammal. I don’t get cold at night.
- Emotional – I am very emotional, sometimes overly sensitive and prone to anxiety attacks (as noted in previous ‘blog entries), I had a history of anger, but have brought that under control.
- Financial – Let us say that I am rebuilding… two divorces leave one somewhat broke.
- Marriages – two failed. I am a great boyfriend but apparently I am an inept husband.
- Beauty – average on a good day, no sense of style.
- Sexual partners – 95-100? That is a fair estimate; I did go through a period of promiscuity but have come back to myself and am happily monogamous. Truth be known, I wished that I had only had one partner and that we could have been life-long.
- Drugs, alcohol – I used to enjoy a good deal of weed, but have been clean for eight months. I just got tired of it, I have nothing against it. I drink socially and enjoy a good beer or glass of wine. I don’t drink to excess. When I was younger I experimented with acid, but have not done that since the Santa Claus on the 101 was really pissed at me and began to chuck coal at me (sometime in the late 70’s).
- Health – I’ve never had an STD. I am in piss-poor condition, and need to begin to workout.
- Worst traits – I can procrastinate when I get around to it, am disorganized, and can’t find my sandals most of the time.
When I put it out there, I am amazed that a woman as classy as MM finds me attractive. I know that all of us are more than the sum of our worst traits. I guess for me it is the drive to be the man that MM sees in me that makes me work to be something better. I looked at the ads. I realized that I was better off than most of the men there. Just like a train-wreck, I found myself looking and thanking whatever gods there are that I was not involved in it.
So here I am, glad to be out of the dating pool and happily committed to this one woman that sees in me something worthwhile. I don’t know why anybody would want to date based on their deficiencies. MM sees and loves me for who I am, warts and all. That is hard for me to believe at times; my incredulity can be overwhelming at times, but she still loves me. Thank Christ that I walked into the place where we met…
I am a lovesick fool…
