I had some difficulties last night that resulted in my having to walk home from MP to VTA, a distance of approximately 17 miles, at midnight through a meandering back road. As I said, I am pleased to know that it can be done but I never want to do it again. The difficulties, which I will not detail here, were of my own doing. Mostly oversight, forgetting to tend to issues that required attention. The fault was mine. There is no question in my mind about that.
Personal responsibility is big in my world. I do not blame God or the devil, the time of the month, or the portents in the stars for things that happen. I may not be the master of my fate, but I am certainly accountable for what I do and do not do. Put simply, I fucked up. What amazes me is that I can be brilliant; but at times I can be barely functional. Ironically, I am a good manager (I ran churches, not-for-profits, and did well with them). I did so by direction and setting tasks to others that were more inclinded to do them and do them well. There seems to be a disconnect when it comes to my personal life. I tend to be at my spaciest when I am home and tired. In the past I gave financial controls over to by spouses. At one time, I let a girlfriend handle them. They all did better than I did (the first wife bankrupted me, the second paid off her bills, the girlfriend kept me up to date on my bills and obligations).
Looking objectively at my journals I see a pattern of depression. I know that I become passive during these times. I also tend to focus on what is immediate. This was part of the problem. I lost focus and did not attend to issues that required immediate attention. That looks like a contradiction. Maybe not. What feels immediate and what is may be where the disconnect occurs.
I will be speaking with MM today. I will detail the whole chain of events to her. This is fair. I need a friend that can help me be accountable to what needs attention.
When it is all said and done, I failed because I could not or did not maintain focus. I need to organize and keep to it. This is where I fall short. I am good at setting up schemas, but very poor at maintaining them.
More later.
I originally posted around two. It is now 11:20. MM called me an idiot, with good reason I might add (I had even told her that I felt that way and that she should not feel shy). She helped me to get "Little Blue" from her sad hiding place in MP. MM was supportive, if not somewhat aghast at the whole thing. I understand that feeling. I was expecting to get a much more severe response from her. I was feeling uncertain and asked if she would keep me. Her response: I was too good in bed to let go. I laughed and felt some relief.
She recruited her friend DM to help get "Little Blue." We got the car and then I treated all to a Peruvian dinner (with a donation to the cause from MM) for all. I am in one helluva lot of pain, however. I never thought blisters could hurt this much. I am going to bed and calling it a night.
- tdf
