TODAY HAS BEEN FRUSTRATING. I have been attempting to deal with issues that have caused me no small amount of consternation. It sometimes feels as it they will prevail. I have been dealing with an extended period of fiscal strain. While that is soon to end, it will not be soon enough to suite me. Today was the battle of the rent. My landlord has been very understanding. She allowed me to make a partial payment. The bank would not release funds. I have a splitting head-ache and feel generally sick. I am certain that this is anxiety.
When I was in the bank I looked at the people there attempting to help me. I kept realizing that I was on the edge of melting down. I tried something new. I closed my eyes and, in my mind’s voice chanted “I wish you happiness and joy…” rather than becoming upset with people that are trying to help me and do their jobs. I imagined light and joy rising like a gentle tide around the bank. My problem remained unsolved, but a solution was found, at least for the short run.
I spoke with the office of financial aid at school. My application has been approved – after too long a hiatus – but there is no word when the check will be cut. It seems that the cosmos are conspiring to make me either more frugal or less materialistic. The phone just rang; it was the system that assigns work. I had to decline a job. I hate to do that. It is probable that I could have gotten there on-time, given the schedule on Tuesday, but not definite. That is money lost. What are the cosmos telling me? I also got a call asking me to work on Wednesday. I am already booked.
I am frustrated today.
When I left the bank, I stopped at the Circle-K and got my drug of choice these days: a bottle of Dr. Pepper and a Hershey Bar. I gave up on other drugs. I have used cannabis in the past (actually with a good result for my anxiety) but have opted not to as I have no connection for “clean” stuff. I also assured MM that I no longer do any drugs. To use it would be to renege on my word; I won’t do that. In the past I have used physical intimacy and won’t go down that road either. I know that I could become a food-addict easily. I think that I am best to look for something healthy if I have to be compulsive, as oxymoronic as that sounds. I refuse to drink when I am feeling anxious. I’ve learned that that only exacerbates my anxiety and depression.
My head is throbbing and I fear that I am beginning to have symptoms of another anxiety attack. I don’t want to call MM. She has had a rough go of it with her anxiety and I don’t want to be a burden to her tonight. I think that I’ll have to tough it out. I would like to get together with MA and see how he is doing. If I were at the marina I would go for a walk by the ocean. I am in a somewhat isolated corner of Ventura. There is really nowhere to walk and we are by major thoroughfares. It is not safe to walk after dark here.
I just need to tough this one out. I’ll get some food and keep my head above water. I cannot let it get the best of me. I refuse to do that. I just need to keep moving forward.
