I will try this again... I was typing and did something to lose all of my copy. There seems to be a metaphor in that.
My words... maybe I should just learn to shut the fuck up, hold it in and soldier on. I really think that I may have done severe harm to MM and my relationship last night. I have been really overly sensitive for the past several days.
My greatest fear is that I may have succeded in pushing her away.
Looking at what I am writing and what vanished... it feels foolish to try to recompose what I had just said. I know that MM is not mean-spirited. That is why when something is said it hurts so damn much. I am so accustomed to being hurt by the people that I love. I have to find a way past this, a way to see that not all comments are ridicule or anger. I thought I was farther along than that. Perhaps not.
MM just wrote me an email, exculpatory in nature. I hurt her. I reread it and am trying not to read into it. My fear is that this was the final straw, that I just broke her back and she is done with me. She has not said that. I can't presume that. But the fear is real.
I don't know whether I should write back or not. every time I open my goddam mouth I seem to fuck things up all the more.
It has been a difficult summer...
What an ass I am. What a self-centered ass.
MM called. I am glad that she did. It was hard for her, I could hear that. She relaxed when she began chatting about the mundane stuff. I tried to say that I have become so fragile of late that it does not take much for me to get hurt, I tried to take responsibility for that. She seemed uncomfortable. I backed off. I told her that I was going to be tied up with school for through at least Thursday. Maybe its best for us that way? Some time to heal?
I know that I am still aching from her yelling at me. Not so much the yelling as the perception of isolation that followed. It took no small amount of heart for her to call. It is appreciated.
There are times that I think that I've been too badly beaten down by life to be able to love. I try. But it hurts. Looking at those words and I feel like I have become something weak, feeble, impotent. I feel so insecure most of the time, so afraid. I have never felt this frightened of my own shadow. I used to hop in the car and, for a weekend, drive east until the tank ran out just to see what was there. Now, I am afraid to leave the confines of my house. I wonder what happened to that guy who could throw off the dock lines, take a week's worth of food set sail. What happened to the guy that could take a stage and perform? What happened to...
I feel like a lost child huddling in fetal position as if that will stave off the advance of the darkness. Courage come from the heart. Where is my heart, where is my courage?
I've become a small fraction of a man.
I have spent almost all day sitting at my desk and have accomplished nothing. I picked up my acoustic guitar and tried to play, but there is no joy in it. MM called and I keep checking my email hoping for a word. Nothing.
I heard a knock. I ran to the door. It was downstairs.
I wish that I had just kept my damn mouth shut. We were doing so well yesterday... then I had to blow it. Damn. What a fuck up I am. It is almost as if I have a compulsive need to destroy what is good in my life.
I miss MM... I want to call but said that I would wait for her. DAMN Nearly five hours since I first posted this at 12:30... 5:22 p.m.... time just hangs on the walls and boredom is sorrow's best friend...
I spoke with MM later in the day (once I got home I played my guitar and then went to bed). She invited me over for dinner. I went. She was a bit aloof, but that is to be expected I suppose. She would not say that she loves me - I am trying not to read into that. I've learned that she does not always say it; the invitation was more telling than her words. I left earlier. She may or may not have called, as I was playing with my headphones on. There was an IM on Yahoo.
Shall have to take time to rebuild. On ward and upward? God, I hope so.
