Saturday, cleaning house, missing my friend...

It is a warm day here in Ventura. I am sitting at my new computer desk, the savior that will redeem me from a cluttered desk. Is it true that stuff just expands to fit the space available? We shall see...

My friend dropped by into the torrent of dirty clothes, trash, and other assorted junk this morning on her way back from dropping her son off to see his father. She stayed a bit and was off on her routine. I spoke to her at lunch, dropped by and had lunch with her. On my way back my friend MAS called me. He has a rough cut of his new CD project and wanted me to hear and critique it. I listened and offered an opinion. It is so hard to be critical of music when music is the stuff of life for this guy. He is a good musician; I thought that the work was less than he is capable of. With my own stuff I am brutal. With others I am gentle, almost to the point of being innocuous.

I listened to A Love Supreme today. John Coltrane was a genius. The music, however often I listen, demands my attention and makes me face the reality of chaos and redemption. His spiritual epiphany occurred the same year that I was born, 1957. The man died, sadly, in 1967 of liver cancer. He was too damn young.

When I listen to 'Trane I know that I'll never produce an opus that moves the spirit in the same way. I don't try to, I suppose, because my life experience and spiritual development is quite different than Coltrane's. I'll tell my stories and hope that the Trane had it right when he said that "all vibrations find their way to God."

My computer desk is clean. My home is a mess... best get back to the mundane tasks of living.

Ah, what a lovesick fool I am... I miss her even now, knowing that I will see her soon.

At Home, Just Left my Friend's Home...

I knew that I should not have said that my headache has broken. It came back in spades as if to taunt me for exalting exceedingly much over its departure.

Enough of that nonsense. I am spending the largest part of this weekend cleaning house, taking care of domestic stuff too long ignored, doing school work and preparing for recording on Tuesday and Friday. I have several songs ready and another in the works. It will be a productive session.

I spoke to my friend about past relationships today. I have resolved not to have any secrets from her and to be open. Really, that comes from a time when I was so very compartmentalized and did not want to share parts of me with others. I want to be absolutely available to this person. Discovery is a good thing, commitment is better.

I went through a period of being something of a letch. There was a time when I was sleeping with three or four different women a week, mostly without knowing more than their first name and having a phone number. I would choose a woman and do or say whatever (without any lies being told - that was part of my game) to get her into the sack. I am not really a handsome guy, I am not the most elegant and certainly do not have material wealth. Fucking was easy. Fucking is boring. Fucking just dulled the pain of not having a lover. I practiced safer sex on everything but the emotional level. That is really what cost me. When I separated from S, I became something of a monk. I wanted it to be love not lust, making love not just fucking. The funny thing is that my libido died with that relationship. It is only now coming back to life.

My friend and I made love before we parted company. It was sweet and beautiful. I love that feeling of not knowing where I end and where she begins. I will see her again tomorrow and spend time on Sunday with her. I feel as if I am being renewed, recalled to life, when I am with her. She has become my muse, the subject of more than a few songs and much of the poetry that I am writing. She is beautiful, strong, loving, and wise. I am indeed a lucky man.

LIfe is good... perhaps the fool can take his own advice and live, laugh, and love?

Ah, I am such a lovesick fool!