I looked at several of my past 'blogs. They serve me well as an indicator of my mood and how I am faring in my battle against depression and anxiety. I noticed that when I am not writing personal stuff, that I tend to be doing well. This 'blog is something of a catharsis. I am not always depressed. Depression is, however a constant in my life. That does not mean that I am always down. It is safe to say that I enjoy more of my life than not. Life is good. The dark moments, however, are deep and disproportionately hard. Winston Churchill called depression "the black dog." That is a good image. Most of the time the dog is calm. Sometimes he growls and bites at my feet. Those moments can be terrible. I had a bit of that several days ago.
A, my youngest daughter, is here. She could not explain why she did not want to be with her daddy. This tends to support my fear that her mother is poisoning the well again. LA is the mother of my children. It is difficult to say anything harsh about her for that reason, but she has come to the incontrivertable conclusion that she alone is good for our children (despite the rulings of the court). R, my eldest, has always been able to help A to see past her mother's lies. It is too damn much to ask of R to be in that position. A now does not have her big sister living with her. All I can do is love A and hope that she will see that I have never said anything harsh about her mother and will do nothing but the good that I am able for her.
I spent a couple of wonderful days with MM. Damn, do I love her. We have moments when we seem to grow closer to each other. The last several days seem to have been in that vein. We made wonderful love, cooked and ate good food, and spent our time together. She is such a passionate lover: responsive, intense, giving and able to take pleasure in my touch and to abandon herself to ecstasy. She is also kind, loving, and wise: my closest friend and best advisor. Much more than sex - though we have a sex-life that most people only dream about! - we share mutual respect and concern and support each other. She loves unconditionally and sees the man that I want to be.
I am still stressing a bit about money. My financial aid is being awarded this week. It is the time to process that concerns me. It has taken forever this term to get this accomplished.
Ah well, life is good. I'll hold on to that until the dog barks again and then will do whatever it takes to calm it down.
