September 18, 2004

Frustrated... Very Frustrated.

I am terribly frustrated right now. I just spoke to MM. She’s called several times today, each time seeming upset and sounding like I had done something or left something undone. Now, it is not anything that she says directly. It’s more of the “the vacuum cleaner you used broke after you did my front room” or “the computer is having problems because ‘somebody’ has done something…” The last time I heard the dread “somebody” she was yelling about the screen door and staring at me. I’ve learned that “somebody” is a circumlocution for me. She calls and there are complaints. I would rather not hear from her than get these jabs. I asked directly is she was upset. She said that she wasn’t. I decided to press the issue a bit, as her tone seemed to belie her words. She is upset because she passed on a concert by Yanni in Las Vegas. To be very honest I don’t think that this is the whole issue.

Now, seeing Yanni would be very low on my list of acts to catch. I would do it for somebody I cared for but I would never go to see Yanni or Enya or any of the New Age Music set on my own. I would go with a friend and go with an open mind. That is how I came to love opera. Who knows? I could be wrong about this genre of music.

Having said that, I have to own a couple of aggravations: I asked MM if she would go to see Alice Cooper with me. The response was a flat “no.” There is something that strikes me as unfair here: we can go to concerts that we both like (I can think of only a couple of acts that we both would enjoy, there may be more, but neither of us know of them) but God forbid that we go to one that I would like to see. Still, she gets upset at me and asks that I stay away because she needs “time for herself” over a concert that she never even asked me about.

Now, add to this that she could have gone anyway with a friend to the concert if she wanted to. Her comment to me was that she was upset because she did not have somebody that she could go with to the concert. In short, because I am as broke as they come, living as a student and trying to recreate myself – not the mention the very costly issues that face me this week and the added stress in my life to get to the bottom of them – I am somehow the reason that she cannot go. It has been a bitch of a week. Now she says that she may not want to see me on Sunday. She just “does not have enough energy to entertain…” Even though, when I am there, I cook, clean, pick up after her son and dogs, and am as low maintenance as they come.

I don’t sense that she is being completely honest with me and just wish that she would “come clean” and talk to me.

No, I am not rich.

No, I do not have two dimes to rub together – a temporary, but seriously debilitating condition.

No, I am not her dream guy – he’s young, rich and white (her description); I'm middle aged, beaten down but trying to recover, and Latino.

But damn… at least talk to me and be honest instead complaining that “somebody set up my computer the wrong way,” “the vacuum will cost $125.00 to fix because of what you did…,” and “I’m in a strange place because I could not go to the concert in Las Vegas…” I set up her computer because she could not. I asked her to help through every step of the process to guarantee that the job was done to her satisfaction. I have cleaned, cooked, picked up dog shit, fed and watered the beasties, and even helped with her son and have been her constant friend and advocate. The comment that really got to me, though, was the “you were by Albertson’s and didn’t stop by?” After hearing that she wanted to be left the hell alone, I was not going to just drop by. The truth is that other friends (DD or K) could stop by, her friend DM could be there to do work and all would be well. It is not others that she does not want to see, it’s me. I may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I can see that clearly enough.

And, dammit, that hurts. I have work to do, both for school and here at home, best to get back into gear. I am upset. I’ll get over it. I just wish that she’d have been more forthcoming with her feelings or maybe just gone to the damn concert.

Is this really how love is?




It is about 10:15, p.m. I just spoke to MM and am all the more concerned. I just can’t seem to help her. She ignored my concerns. I asked not to have her call to dump on me. She did agree to that. She would only say that she is unhappy. I am left to guess if I am welcomed or not. Do I call, do I remain at a distance? The only way that I can give somebody what they are wanting for is to understand what they need. I asked directly if MM wants to continue her time alone. She told me that she was damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. I told her that there was no damning, just an attempt to understand. The tacit accusation is that I am trying to harm her by asking. I don’t understand that.

She’s unhappy. She won’t say why. She slipped and said that it was DM and me, then cut off. I suspect that there is more that she is just not willing to say.

I’ve seen how this works and want desperately to avoid it. There is an issue. It is neither discussed, nor brought out into the open to be addressed. It festers. It becomes a cancer and then the relationship dies. Somebody takes issue with something and just chooses to ignore it or, worse, to let it go unsaid and become a toxin. Yes, I am worried. I watched this pattern in two marriages. I’ve watched this pattern as a cleric. I am beginning to see it here and I am worried. I want her to tell me what is happening so it can be addressed. But it is beyond my power to compel her to do so.

How can I change a hurtful pattern if it is not known? How can I help if she won’t talk to me? God, I feel like hell. I hate this feeling like I am not wanted. Just how much time can she need? It is going to be four days before we see each other. I had asked for her help to take instruments into the store. I wanted to do that today. But she won’t see me.

I just wish I knew what to do for her. But she won’t let me near. And that hurts most of all.

It's the weekend

WE HUMANS LIKE TO Organize things to feel that we have dominion over our space and time. It is the weekend. I got up at 7:20 or so, following a strange dream. I was being dogged by symbols of the past that came to me either for help or to hinder me, but all in "real" time. It was as if ghosts of the past had to have a last huzzah with me. I woke up in the middle of a conflict that had no clear resolution, though I (as much as it is "I" in a dream) seemed to have the upper hand. It was a strange, even absurd, conflict. A couple of things that I noticed was that the farther forward I moved, the "ghosts" from further back in my history originated, almost as if there were a inverse relationship between progress and regress. They were not "ghosts" in the dream - that is how I choose to describe my entombed memories - they appeared as "real" people, but not really. They were caricatures of the past. Nobody in this dream, apart from me, was in anyway contemporary: all the cast inhabited a time at least twenty or more years past.

MM did not want company last night. I could not help but wonder if I should worry. She gave no indication that this is so, but my tendency is to feel insecure in matters of the heart. She IM'd me and then called late, right before she went to bed. I choose not to call her to allow her space. I also indicated on the IM that she should feel free to call when she wanted to chat. I wanted to pick up the phone, but wanted more to respect her space. When she did call our conversation was fine until she asked about the issues that arose last week. Her tone almost seemed confrontational. I was not up to that. I don't know or think that she was meaning to be accusing. My conversations with Los Angeles were akin to the Spanish Inquisition. These people deal with deadbeats all the time and I think assume that everybody is a deadbeat. Verbal abuse seems to be the norm with them. Having MM press the issue more than I was willing to discuss was more than I was ready to take at the moment. The conversation cut off quickly, when I asked that we drop the subject.

I don't want to involve LA in any of this. The last time I went to her to help sort out anything that had to do with our/my divorce I ended up in court. It has been three years since she started the last battle. When I think about the past three years I am surprised that I am still standing. I fought two divorce battles at the same time, saw my career die, lost faith in the church, saw LA poison my relationship with A, my youngest daughter (thank whatever gods or goddesses there are for R, the elder that was her antidote).

While I am struggling, I feel as if I am dancing on the edge of a razor and will soon fall. I know that I am only inches away from a crash and don't want to do that again.

On the good side, sub jobs are coming in. On the bad side, I will have to sell guitars to get everybody up to date and then continue the battle. Oh well... I wish I knew better how to dance through the daze of this life. It's the weekend. I really don't feel like I have dominion over anything; much less so over the time and space of my life.

I came upon the parody of the Bush Terrorism Alert System:



Let's hope that the stupidity factor does not get overly out of hand...

-tdf