The Month of Leaving and Being Found Again
In the supermarket, a couple of days ago, MM asked me to hold her so she could not go away again. I had commented that my friend AS had been dumped via a voicemail message. She thought that I was comparing it to her words via email. I was not and tried to assure her that that event is in memory, where I am content to leave it. Sometimes the past is best left alone. I think that this is one of those times. I digress. I told MM that I had promised never to cage her. I stand by that. I consider anything that is limiting of a person's freedom an infridgement of his or her right choose to be committed to a person. If I force a person to do something, even something good, then they do it out of compulsion, not out of an innate desire. There is a difference. Intention cannot be forced. It can be invited, but that invitaiton must come in the context of risking loss: January made that one clear to me.
When I look at my emotional rollercoaster over the past several weeks I can see that I was truly shaken to my core by MM's dumping me. We are together, but it will still take time for me to entirely trust again. Something was lost. Something has changed. We are getting back on track, but we are not there yet.
Underscore the word, "yet..." as I believe that we will be.
Finding my Way
We went through a rough couple of weeks. MM will deny it, but I sensed that she was pulling back again. I know that she was not feeling well, but there seemed to be a real reticence to be with me. I suppose that trust is hard to rebuild; I was hurt and I became very angry at what she was doing. I yelled. This was wrong. She had reason to be reticent. I wondered when she would drop the bomb - should I expect another email. Mercifully, this will pass into the darkness of the half-forgotten past.
Last weekend was good. We seem to have found what first drew us together. I enjoyed the time and was glad that MM was acting more her normal self. We had not made love for at least two or three weeks. This is most unlike us. We made love several times over the weekend. More than the sex, I missed the connection between us that happens when we are intimate. I was starving for that.
Beginning to Trust?
It was hard for me to extend trust following the events that began last month. Indeed, January was the month of tenuous connection and fear of crashing again. We still have not exchanged keys. I am rather slow to want to make that commitment now. For reasons that elude me, I am content to simply hold onto mine and wait to see what will happen. I don't want the picture that MM had given me for Christmas in my house. It has bad mojo for me. It is too closely part of that event. I don't want reminders.
I suppose that when it is all said and done that loving is an invitation to be hurt. Eventually people will fail us. Promises are broken. Hearts get shattered. I was damn near suicidal when it all hit me. It was more than I could take at that moment. It surprises me when I write these words: they have been unspoken thoughts for weeks now. "Aparte de ti no hay vida..." They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for different results...
But I am only a lovesick fool...
