February was almost as bad as January...

This is getting tiresome. I'd like to have a sense that the cosmos are tired of playing their little jokes on me. Looking at the real disasters in the world I find that it is difficult to complain, but the stuff that has happened over the past several months just seems to be a constant irritation; one that soon needs to end.

I have not been posting for a while.

I tried to write some of my thoughts on the Christian left a couple of weeks ago. It was difficult to organize my thoughts in any coherent fashion. I felt that I needed more time to focus and, having plenty on my plate, also thought that I needed to focus elsewhere for a bit. The last month has been difficult. I have enjoyed working with the kids at PHC; I have left exhausted after 10 hour days (so much to do to keep up and to build from nothing), not to mention the paperwork that needs to be done. I am a painful introvert: having to be with so many people drains me. I love what I am doing, but I have to build some endurance for being with people again. MM is quite another issue.

MM and I have been trying to start over. I have bit my tongue several times; I have tried to be gracious, while asking for what I want or need. She has been distant. Our sexlife is nothing compared to what it was. She has seemed less interested in being physically intimate than has been the norm in the past. But that is indicative, I think, of other issues. She has been distant emotionally. She has also been rather tart with me. Last night she threw a copy of Westways magazine on my lap to plan a summer vacation. I looked at the pictures of Hawaii, but honestly have had no desire to go there. I suggested Europe. She snapped "NO."

I suppose what I want really doesn't matter. I became upset. This is typical of her slamming a door on me, whether it is a concert or something that I'd like she will either just ignore the request (didn't see a film that I wanted to because she kept postponing and postponing until it was out of release) or yell (then deny that she is yelling). She told me later, when I decided that enough bullshit was enough and that I needed to leave, that she had wanted to go someplace new with me. I noted that the European continent was a big place. No matter. She had gone there in the past and fuck me for expressing what I wanted. Her "reason" was that she had gone there however many years ago with her ex-husband during happier times. Over a month she had "seen" nine countries. I am not sure how much of anything can be seen at that pace, but do I know?

Now let me think... a month, nine countries. Divide 30 days by nine and you get about two to three days in each (to say nothing of travel time). Yeah, that should be enough to see everything. Certainly enough to discount ever going back, or going somewhere that I wanted to go... Oh, I forgot. What I want does not really matter.

Last night she wanted to see the film Amadeus. Fine. I have a copy. We went to my place to pick it up. We had had a pleasant enough day, but again, she seemed to be distant throughout the day. We put the film on. So far so good. About two-thirds of the way through she leaves the room. I don't know what is happening. She returns and then comments about the volume. Her kid had the controller. I said to turn it down. She leaves the room again. I waited for a few minutes and then walked over to her office area where she is playing on the computer. I asked what is going on. She told me that it was too loud and since I wanted it that way that she would just leave the room. Now note: she never asked what I wanted. She never took fucking responsibility for what she wanted. I told her that she could turn it down or off, she was the one that wanted the film. I also expressed that the situation was somewhat awkward(I was sitting alone in her den watching the movie that she wanted to watch while she is nowwhere in sight; am I crazy here or is there something wrong with this equation?). She yelled at me to leave her alone. I told her that I needed to leave. By now I was pretty angry. Twice this happened in one weekend. I don't need the bullshit and I don't want the headgames.

Taking Time for Myself

I have asked for her not to be in touch with me over the remainder of the weekend (Sunday). Frankly I am thinking that a few days apart for me to think about what I really want is in order. I have to admit that I have been looking for the behaviors that she has exhibited since she dumped me on New Year's Day. I had said as much to her yesterday, in anger. I will not put up with this shit. She said that she needed time to herself. She can have it. I need to decide whether this is something that I want to try to salvage or not. I am still really tender from the way that she treated me in January. Ten lines on an email... that's what I get for loving somebody. And now, she seems intent on not modifying the very behaviors that are painful for me.

I have been on eggshells with her. I keep expecting to get some note that she is dumping me. A couple of times I wanted to bring the issue up, but felt that the timing was wrong. I just am not certain that loving is enough to sustain a relationship. Commitment is: that means committing one's self to caring for the needs of the other. I need her to say what she means and mean what she says. She tells me that she is a Pisces and cannot do that. I will admit to a passing interest in the stars, but not to the point that I blame them for my faults.

"Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings". - (Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene II).

I wish to whatever gods there are that she would learn to speak the hell up rather than to just sit and brew then get angry at me over things for which I am in no way responsible. Twice this weekend I was yelled at for no good reason. I don't know what is going on, but I am getting quite sick of it.

Where does this leave me?

Only once, in the past, did I return to a lover after the relationship was ended. It was an unqualified disaster. I become very skeptical, looking very closely and keeping my guard up. This is happening here. I am very skeptical of MM and have been looking for reasons for her to want to dump me. She complains about IEPs (meetings and paperwork that Special Ed Teachers have to address - they are very stressful, no doubt about that) in February. I have to do three month meetings with all of my students to track units earned and continue with individual plans for five periods of twenty kids each - yes, that is 100 plans to track. I think that the paper and the stress is equivalent for both of us. I would like to believe that she values the relationship enough to make the changes that I need. But if she does not I have to decide whether I am going to cut my losses or continue being frustrated.

If I didn't love her this would be so much easier.

Writing after the noon hour...

I am frustrated by the fact that the more I do to try to be kind the more I seem to get screwed. Yesterday, I suggested a nice day walking around main street. I got us lunch at a cute diner. We browsed and did some shopping. I arrived at MM's home and we got the movie for her satisfaction. I did her dishes (I did not eat) and her son's so they could watch the movie. For this I get yelled at. I know that she'll deny it, but there malice in that. Intended or otherwise, it is hurtful and she knows this. What I find malicious is the passive aggression. Again, she'll deny it, but I see it in her way of being in the world.

Rather than ask for something she needs, she just walks away. Rather than express a desire she just shuts me down. Rather than deal with issues that need attention she complains about the stress that they will cause and lets them go merrily on. DM and her car are a case in point: she complains about the use that her friend DM is putting on her car. She refuses to do a damn thing about it ("I don't want to hurt a long friendship..."). But the complaints go on and on and on. She complains about her son's issues with honesty, but does nothing because of the stress that it will cause her (and the lies go on, and on, and on without regard for what it is teaching him about honesty and manipulation).

So now, here we are. I see that the passive aggression is a way of life for her. I need to decide whether I can tolerate this sort of manipulation. In the past it has always been a deal breaker for me. I don't do passivity well. Tell me what you want or don't want: much easier. Direct is best. That may be too much to ask at first, but at least take responsibility for what you want and have the common courtesy to ask for it rather than just leaving me wondering what the fuck just happened and yelling when I try to find out.

The Common Thread

I am painfully aware that the common thread in all of my failed relationships is me. I can blame everybody else but that is neither fair nor just. I am a royal pain in the ass. I know that. I try to be kind. I try to be caring. I try to be direct. I sometimes come off as overbearing and arrogant. I don't always know when this is happening, but I have heard it often enough that I believe that it does.

At my age I may be just too damn old to change. That may be true for the women that I have dated, as well. I am goddamned if I know where a fair balance is. If I knew I would strive to meet my part of it. When MM and I got back I made it clear that I needed her to be direct. She is not doing that. Now is that because of me or something that I am doing to make that unsafe for her? I really don't know. I wish that I did know; I could do what needed to be done and fix the problem.

And Again, in the Late Afternoon, Early Evening...

My Horoscope for the day is somewhat ironic given the past several days with MM:

You've got one more day left to your relaxing times, and if you're smart -- which, legend has it, you most certainly are -- you'll spend it letting go of whatever was bothering you last week. That way, you'll be able to start tomorrow fresh -- and isn't that your best bet, anyway? Besides, the mental solidity and stability you'll feel now are legitimate. You're right to feel secure in the rightness of what you've done. Stop worrying, and enjoy the rest of your free time.

Yeah, right. Somehow I think that a fresh start may mean more than I want it to. What did I quote from Julius Caesar: "the fault is in ourselves..." The mental solidarity and stability? I have no idea what that means right now. Maybe I need to look at my other horoscope, the one that is charted for my natal chart (Not bad for someone with a "passing" interest in the stars!):

Today your attention will be focused on your work, profession or an important social duty that you must exercise. You have an opportunity to plan for the future in these areas of your life, and you will discuss with others your proper course of action. On the psychological level, this is a good time for being alone to reflect upon your long-range plans and how well you are fulfilling them. The Midheaven is strongly connected with the ego structure, and Mercury transiting it may indicate that you are dwelling upon your basic ego needs. This is especially important if by nature you are a meditative person, who wants to plan everything out before acting. A more extroverted person will go right out and talk to the world, even though that may mean going off half-cocked.

I highlighted a couple of passages in today's oracle. I hate to admit how correct that sounds. I have a friend that once said astrology gets to the right answer the wrong way. Jung understood that the stars were really reflections of our inner-self trying to understand and using mythic symbols to explain what is. Whatever the reason, this rings true for me. I need to be about me for the next couple of days and think through not only MM but other issues. MM just has a way of making all things lighter and more joyful - when things are good - or casting a dark shadow over them - when things are as they are now.

Here is MM's oracle for yesterday...

This influence may have the effect of intensifying experiences in your love life. Through love you will seek feelings and emotions that transport you out of the ordinary. This same energy may lead to indiscretions in love relationships, which could cause problems later on. If you bear this in mind, however, you will have little difficulty during this time. There are powerful energies at work in your love life today and they can work to bring about constructive changes in your relationships. These energy patterns are dangerous to your relationships only if you are unconscious of their processes or if you are unwilling to deal with their root causes. You may have to handle quite a bit of energy to make this influence work out, but it could be a powerful force for good.

A powerful influence for good... the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Early Evening, a bit past Eight...

I've been playing my guitar and working on the new song a bit. I did a ton of laundry. I am trying to convince myself that it has been a good day, but I miss MM. In so many ways she has become my family that to imagine life without her is like losing my kith and kin yet again. I feel like an orphaned child or an abandoned one.

Balance.

All I really want is to be in synch with each other. I don't want to impose my will on her. I want her to speak and to say what she needs so I can do that. I've never begrudged a request spoken to me. I don't understand why she feels that she can just flitter off and leave me to guess and wonder what the hell is going on. What really frustrates me is the anger that follows. I lost it yesterday. I was already upset with her from the day before and the unwillingness to see how frustrated I get when she does not say what she means. I hate to guess. I hate being put in that position. I don't think it is unfair to ask her to be direct.

How else can I attend to her needs?

She can be quite direct in pointing out my flaws. She says that I am quick to believe bad about her. That hurt. She is rather sharp tongued when she is upset and I don't think that she realizes the amount of damage that she is doing to us when she says things like that. I am holding on by a thread. Instead of offering me a stronger grip, she seems intent on breaking my grasp. I don't know why. I wish I understood better.

Alone and Lonely

I haven't seen anybody else today. I've been something of a hermit today. I was too afraid that I would say something I would regret - given how hurt and upset I was - and felt that time alone was the best. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost obviously never lost at love.

A Few Minutes before Ten...

I am sleepy. The day seems to have dragged on past. I am sadly no closer to knowing what to do than I was this morning when I awakened by the neighbor's music at six. I am sad and am realizing how likely it is that I will die alone: No great love, no other self, nobody to hold my hand or grieve my passing. I thought that MM might be that person. I just don't know anymore. Maybe I am just tired and heartbroken. I need rest. Tomorrow is another day. Perhaps it will be better than today was. I shall have to see.

Thinking More About Politics and Faith

It is always a dangerous thing for me to begin to consider how public life is an expression of the faith that we hold. I do not refer to Christian or other religious faith alone - though that certainly is part of the equation. I have to ask about the things that we value above all things, that in which we place out trust and about which we are ultimately concerned. A cautionary note: my love of Kierkegaard and Tillich will show here.

What is faith and its object?

It seems helpful to ask the basic questions first. What is faith? I understand this to be more than mere intellectual ascent. Certainly the majority of Americans will profess a belief in God but few would consider God in making daily decisions. There are those that use religion as a proscription: God forbids thus and so. I find this course and vulgar: Let us consider what rules we are willing to apply to ourselves before attempting to demand a moral standard from others. To digress a moment from the question at hand: the issue of gay marriage seems somewhat removed from the heterosexuals that voted against and that support a constitutional ban on gay marriage. This is emblematic, to me, of what is difficult about proscriptive ethics: they seek to control behavior that is removed from the reality of the persons that are articulating the ban. How is a heterosexual marriage harmed by the union of committed and loving same-sex couples? There is no connection. Only fear. That, I think is the article of faith that seems to drive this attitude: fear of a jealous and homophobic God. But that is not faith.

Faith is what I will chose to live and die for; it is the trust placed in truth that is so compelling that it gives shape, form, and meaning to my life. Faith is that which is ultimately true for me. This is quite a different thing from mere subjectivity. I have never been able to say that whatever is true for you is truth. If everything is true, nothing is true. If I live and die for something it is a matter of public life and defines my being in a way that goes beyond mere opinion: it is compelling beyond my truth. It is, for me, absolute truth based on my limited and finite vision.

The object of faith is that which drives my existence and defines who I am. This can be family, religion, nationalism, an ethic, a fear and so on. The contention that something is right or wrong is not faith but derives from a mind that has accepted a faith statement as normative for its function. Here is the hard thing: I do not believe that any of us are without such faith. I think that we elect not to explore it. It is frightening, especially when exploration means that I risk admitting that my faith is in error.

A Uniquely American Myth

We tend, as a people, to consider that faith is a personal and private matter that is not lived out in the public arena. That is, in and of itself, a statement of faith in the article of the constitution that seperates church from state. I have never understood that seperation to be a denial of faith. It is a wall that protects unpopular speech and belief. We are free to believe as we wish and to act on that belief in the public sector as long as our faith does not limit the rights of others. I am free to proclaim that God commands that men should only sleep with other men or that Jesus hates homosexuals. I am not free to kill gay people because I may believe that homosexuality is wrong. Quite to the contrary: the same law that protects unpopular speech protects freedom of choice to beleive or not believe according to my conscience.

To say that faith has no place in public discorse is to misunderstand faith. If this defines who I am it will have to have some impact on how I act in public.

Glad that January is Over

There is no doubt in my mind that January was a rough month, no, not rough: January was the month from hell. All of the emotional rollercoaster ride which that month brought are now memories; some hopefully will be blissfully forgotten. It was a raucous month. I am glad to see it go.

The Month of Leaving and Being Found Again

In the supermarket, a couple of days ago, MM asked me to hold her so she could not go away again. I had commented that my friend AS had been dumped via a voicemail message. She thought that I was comparing it to her words via email. I was not and tried to assure her that that event is in memory, where I am content to leave it. Sometimes the past is best left alone. I think that this is one of those times. I digress. I told MM that I had promised never to cage her. I stand by that. I consider anything that is limiting of a person's freedom an infridgement of his or her right choose to be committed to a person. If I force a person to do something, even something good, then they do it out of compulsion, not out of an innate desire. There is a difference. Intention cannot be forced. It can be invited, but that invitaiton must come in the context of risking loss: January made that one clear to me.

When I look at my emotional rollercoaster over the past several weeks I can see that I was truly shaken to my core by MM's dumping me. We are together, but it will still take time for me to entirely trust again. Something was lost. Something has changed. We are getting back on track, but we are not there yet.

Underscore the word, "yet..." as I believe that we will be.

Finding my Way

We went through a rough couple of weeks. MM will deny it, but I sensed that she was pulling back again. I know that she was not feeling well, but there seemed to be a real reticence to be with me. I suppose that trust is hard to rebuild; I was hurt and I became very angry at what she was doing. I yelled. This was wrong. She had reason to be reticent. I wondered when she would drop the bomb - should I expect another email. Mercifully, this will pass into the darkness of the half-forgotten past.

Last weekend was good. We seem to have found what first drew us together. I enjoyed the time and was glad that MM was acting more her normal self. We had not made love for at least two or three weeks. This is most unlike us. We made love several times over the weekend. More than the sex, I missed the connection between us that happens when we are intimate. I was starving for that.

Beginning to Trust?

It was hard for me to extend trust following the events that began last month. Indeed, January was the month of tenuous connection and fear of crashing again. We still have not exchanged keys. I am rather slow to want to make that commitment now. For reasons that elude me, I am content to simply hold onto mine and wait to see what will happen. I don't want the picture that MM had given me for Christmas in my house. It has bad mojo for me. It is too closely part of that event. I don't want reminders.

I suppose that when it is all said and done that loving is an invitation to be hurt. Eventually people will fail us. Promises are broken. Hearts get shattered. I was damn near suicidal when it all hit me. It was more than I could take at that moment. It surprises me when I write these words: they have been unspoken thoughts for weeks now. "Aparte de ti no hay vida..." They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for different results...

But I am only a lovesick fool...