I really have nothing to say… There are times when I look at the screen and wonder why I write. It seems so inane, like a man yelling into a chasm just to hear the sound of his voice echoing. Breaking silence, as if to say, “I am” in the face of oblivion. But what does it matter if there is no one to hear. A solipsism still remains unknown insofar as it is only known to me. There is no objective proof.
Sisyphus
Perhaps Sisyphus is my patron saint. He was a cruel bastard who, in the end, was justly sentenced to spend all eternity rolling a stone up hill until it fell down again and then began anew. He was damned to this fate because he had chained Thanatos and thus disallowed the souls of the dead to reach the underworld. Why do I claim him as my patron? Certainly not for what he did in his mortal life: he was a villain. Rather I look at the idea of being doomed to inconsequential and ultimately futile work.
There are times when I feel that I am doomed to roll a rock only to watch it tumble down again, like God’s own dice throwing snake eyes for me. Crapped out.
I saw MM today. It was in a meeting. I don’t think she saw me. I quickly turned away to avoid confrontation. This is a shared workplace. No need to bring our former lives into this place. And the dice are thrown. Pablo finds himself in hell again, futile, vain, and bereft of meaning. Can anybody hear or is this echo only in my mind?
Love Sucks
As hurt and angry as I was with her the truth is that I did love her with all that I am. It was not enough for her. I thought that her heart was ice, needing only warmth to free it from a chill. It was stone. Cold, hard, and ultimately without a space for me. All of the lies told, all of the games played, all of the manipulations, all of the cruel comments made are finally facing me and saying that I allowed it to happen by not putting an end to it sooner. I squandered my heart’s love on a heartless woman who could not bear to be loved.
I have a pattern of choosing women that … I don’t know if that is true. I tend to find women that do not want to be in a committed relationship. SL was the same. She abandoned the marriage when we hit our first major crisis. All of the vows became disposable and she lied, saying she was in for the long haul while looking for the cheap and easy way out. And yet I still love her. I can’t say how sick that sounds when I look at it. And the man just threw snake eyes again.
It Is Not My Youth I Miss; It Is the Sense of Hope
I sat in a meeting with the new teachers where I work. They all looked so young. One, a beautiful red-haired woman, smiled at me and waved furtively. She is easily twenty years my junior. I fantasized making love with her. I realized that she has no idea how old I am and in that moment I realized that my youth was past. My daughter is not much older than this young woman is now. I looked at her. Full of hope and anticipation and I wondered if middle age begins with the death of hope and its descent into cynicism. I know how to pursue a younger woman and to lead her into my bed. Young bodies still have a beauty about them that loses its sheen with age; an older body is full of life and death, it requires a sophisticated touch. But, younger woman still seem to exude hope.
I don’t want to chase women twenty years younger than me. I just want to believe in the possibility that love engenders hope for the future rather than the certainty of a broken heart. MM did not even let the sheets get cold before I was replaced in her bed. She is heartless. I look at these young women and hope that they will not fall victim to the same petrifaction that happened with this woman I once loved. Eden Ahbez may have been correct when he said, “the greatest thing, you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
I wish that I had loved a woman that would love me in kind. Unrequited love is bitter. And its cost is profound. Futile: like Sisyphus rolling his stone, or a man at a precipice calling out words of love in the vain hope that someone will return his cries…
No, I really have nothing to say.
