Get Busy Living or Dying...

I got up today at five. No breakfast, just coffee I pushed myself to get out of bed and get in to school. I had no desire to do anything. I know the symptoms of depression and they are manifesting themselves in me. I have to push myself to keep busy, to keep moving.

I got into school. It was raining. The bus-ride was OK. The classroom that I am in today is a bit disorganized, to say the least. It has been an interesting day. The kids in this group are really low-functioning. The teacher is, to put it mildly, more comfortable with chaos than I am. I got the computers in the class to run so the kids could use their software. I wanted to call MM and realized that that would not be an option any more. Who can I call to tell my stories to? She is not available to listen to my minor victories. It was a sad moment.

I realized that SL and LA have to move on with their lives. MM has decided to move on with hers without me. Despite how I feel about it this is the reality: what is, is. I have to get my feet under me and move on. I joked with somebody on-line (playing dominos) that once you've hit bottom you need to decide whether to use a shovel and dig yourself deeper or a ladder to move up. Safe to say that I've tanked. I feel truly alone today. the bus drove by MM's street. It was a sad moment, too. Like the color of the wheat for the wise old Fox in The Little Prince. "You are forever responsible for what you have tamed..."

What I thought I had tamed has no further use of me.

So much for being responsible for and to one another. I guess that the language of interdependence is passe.

It is my breaktime. I would have called MM at this time of day to see how her class is going. Can't do that again. Another loss. Another part of my day that has been taken away with a word. "Best for both of us..." Not by a country mile.

More later... it is going to be a difficult week I need to keep my focus and do. Good meals, good planning, good efforts. Set some short term goals and meet them. I have to keep moving. Shall write more later in the day.