It is hitting me and I am devastated.

The woman that I loved in a rather curt manner announced that she was done with me. I have been in stun mode all day. She came by and dropped off a few of my things. No words spoken. My God, I am wondering how I can survive.

To add salt to the wound, I got news from both of my ex-wives today. LA is getting married. Good for her. I tried to be gracious. She has a right to a happy life. Today was just not the day to have heard this news. SL called with some info that she had received. We chatted. I asked -blurted ?- if she may want to go with me to a concert that MM was to join me for (nothing beyond sharing a night of music, no expectation of intimacies implied). I told her what happened and knowing that she loves music thought she might enjoy the show. She told me that she could not as she was going away to Las Vegas with her new friend and intended to be intimate with him for the first time during that trip. Again, there is nothing I can say. I wished her well but wondered why I had to hear that tonight (or at all).

All of it drove home how desolate I am feeling. So here I am. My heart is broken. I have to teach tomorrow. I have to pull it together but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die.

MM did not even have the courtesy to tell me to my face. I suppose that may be karma biting me in the ass. I’ve broken off a couple of relationships via email, thinking it would be easier that way. But those were not as serious as this one: certainly the word “love” never entered the picture in those; much less commitment, or the thought of growing old with somebody.

My hands are shaking. My throat is hurting with cries that won’t surface. My chest has a dull ache where my heart should be.

This is what MM wrote to me:

The easiest thing for us to do at this juncture is for me to return all that is yours. I will expect to do this when A. has left but not tomorrow evening. There are no ill feelings as I know that both of must be free to be who we are. I have learned and gained so much from you. It is my hope that I have left you with positive memories and you have benefited from knowing me. It is very clear from what you have written in your blog as well as the note you sent to me what would be the best for both of us. Know that you are well loved and respected for who you are.

The only thing that I know from this letter is that I cannot trust the human heart. I was given no voice in deciding what was “best for us.” The hardest line to read is "well loved and respected..." but not enough to say any of this to my face or to talk things over. This is not best for "us" by any damn stretch of the imagination.

Discarded again, like so much trash on the side of the road… I hurt. Damn, but I hurt.