FUBAR

FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition!

That is how my computer was acting until today. What I did is what I wish that we could do with the days of our lives: I reset it to a prior point in time. Microsoft has, in Windows, this nifty application: system reset. It will allow you to reset the computer's settings to a prior point, generally before a problem occurred so that it is as if that moment in time never existed. Imagine: we could reset 9/11 and all of the lives in the World Trade Center could have been saved; we could have avoided the costly war in Iraq that has killed over 1,000 American soldiers and sailors (not to mention American non-combatants and Iraqis, both in and out of uniforms).

I want a system reset for my life. I look back and see more FUBAR than can be safely described here. It is not all bad, but every life has its pain. Still, the pain is what makes us what we are. What does not kill me makes me stronger. Maybe the FUBAR is what sculpts us.

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One of those words that came from the Second World War was SNAFU: situation normal all fucked up. Like FUBAR, this contribution to American English came out of the military experience of the WWII generation. It has so entered the standard vocabulary as to be accepted as normal English without regard for its profane roots. Glitch is somewhat different. It is Yiddish in derivation, coming from the word glitschen, to slide.

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I am not really certain what I would do if I did have a reset for my life. Would I have changed anything? Probably my career choice. I would probably be teaching in Long Beach. Maybe my first marriage (but my daughters were born of that marriage), definitely my second marriage. The hard thing about saying that is that the present is a result of the past. It coalesced in a particular way to lead me to this particular place. Like an intricate lattice work of potential futures, held together by a vine that has snaked its way past the FUBAR into this moment. All of the flowers and fruits of that vine are the sum and total of the moments that have led me to this place.

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It almost seems like a cavalier use of these terms to describe the moments of my life. It is the FUBAR that makes us stronger. We live in the face of the SNAFU and still arise again to make it right. It may be fucked up beyond all recognition, but it is the reality that we have. What light and grace shall we bring to recognize it anew?

Ah, but I am only a fool.

Suspended Disbelief and Boyle's Law.

I was listening to the radio, Cross Talk, to a discussion of presidential politics. The GropenFurhrer, Arnold himself, was telling how,when he came to the USA he listened to the presidential debates between Nixon and Humphrey and that debate convinced him to be a Republican. Cool story, huh? Nixon and Humphrey never debated. Following his trouncing by JFK, Nixon refused to debate. Arnold lied. He had a well embellished line about how, not speaking English, he had a friend translate and Nixon's words convinced him that he should be a Republican. He who controls the past controls the future...

I cannot understand why Kerry has not taken the initiative in this campaign and attacked on the grounds of Bush's several equivocations and outright lies to the American people. The term "high crimes and misdemeanors" might be a good campaign line. The Democrats have made themselves emasculated wimps, as if being left leaning is somehow a crime. Allowing the debate to be defined by the opposition is equivalent, in this case, to not debating.

A stupid move from Dana Rohrabacher (R-Costa Mesa) is to amend the constitution to allow foreign-born citizens who have lived in the US for over 20 years to be president. Just in time for Ah-nald.... Zig Heil. Why not make a reform that is fitting: disband the electoral college. No... That would make our candidates have to value each vote equally and would therefore make campaigns much more expensive. As it is, a candidate can campaign in California, Texas and New York, knowing that in these three states she or he can find the lion's share of the votes necessary for election. States like Pennsylvania, Ohio and Florida are the second share. If the electoral college were disbanded, then Wyoming could become as important as Rhode Island, or as California.

I am not in favor of opening the constitution for radical surgery, especially not with the neo-Nazis that are running the country holding the knife to the heart of our civil liberties.

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Boyle's Law comes to mind... Speaking of politics, the realm of hot gases. It can be represented thusly: P1V1 = P2V2 That is to say that there is an inverse relationship of pressure to volume with any gas given that the temperature is constant. Thus, the greater the pressure, the lesser the volume and visa versa. I was thinking about the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, and more episodes of Star Trek than I can recall. There is the famous scene when Dave Poole wants to return to the Jupiter spacecraft. He has to open the spaceship from outside, blast himself in while waiting for the room to - wait for it - repressurize. OK... Why didn't the gas in his blood cause him to massively hemorrhage given the sudden drop in air pressure from what is presumably the equivalent of a day by the sea to no air pressure at all (to say nothing of the air in the lungs)? Another law comes to mind, one that is apropos more to literature than science: suspension of disbelief.

The idea of suspending what we know to be true for the sake of a story is as old as myth itself. Nobody really believed that it was turtles all the way down; that was a convenient image to explain what the mind could not yet prove. This makes sense in the realm of metaphor, but not in politics. In the real-world, presented with an absolute vacuum, the lack of pressure would cause a massive hemorrhage owing to the lack of pressure. The cold would have an effect, to be certain, too.

We suspend disbelief when we support the war in Iraq. We suspend disbelief when we believe Ah-nald's bald-faced lies about learning the truth about American politics by listening to a debate that never occurred and was embellished by details that transform an insult to our intelligence into an injury of the truth. "He that violates his oath profanes the divinity of faith itself..." As Cicero had it. But a triviality such as the truth never stood in the way of a good story... Suspend disbelief and trust in an imagined ideal reality that has nothing to do with what actually happened.

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I guess Orwell was correct in his assertion that the person who controls the past will also control the future. I do worry about the state of the American Republic. Weapons of Mass destruction did not exist in Iraq, but we went in like Rambo in a jock-strap only to find that there were none, as the message span differently and it was revealed that we never really worried about these, it was the evil Saddam that we sought to depose. After all, we are the bastions of right and good - if not the truth - and have a moral obligation to depose whomever we wish so long as they are not playing according to our rules.

The USA has no moral right to impose "democracy" on another country, especially when its practice so severely limited within our own boarders.

Ah, but I am only a fool...

One Hundred Postings of the Dancing Fool!

We humans like round numbers. They help us to make order in an essentially chaotic universe. Breaking the four minute mile, breaking mach 1 and then mach 2, batting .400 and so on: all of these serve as testaments to our need to impose an order whose meaning is as arbitrary as the will of those who imposed it. The millennium provided fodder for this almost insatiable craving for round numbers. Anybody that can count understands that a decade consists of all numbers from 1-10; the next decade follows as 11-20, 21-30 and so forth. Apparently we could not stomach the idea of celebrating the new era with an odd number. The 20th century ended on December 31, 2000. The 21st century, along with the second millennium began on January 1, 2001. But what does it really matter: it is an arbitrary measure. Its meaning is not intrinsic to the measure, but to the people whose needs the measure serves.

Why this prolegomena to today’s posting? Because it is the end of the first century of The Dancing Fool. Strictly speaking, this is not the hundredth posting. The first posting contains two or three postings. There was a post that I deleted as it was almost a verbatim transcript of a communication between MM and me. But it is the 100th page of my meanderings.

Not counting today’s words (which total 678), I’ve posted 50,560 words, most of which were mine. Those that were not were original to me (generally poetry, there was one longish article that I posted regarding the illegal war in Iraq, and there was the Declaration of Independence, which I did not write) I made efforts to credit. But still, over 50k is one helluva lot of verbiage. Despite all of these words a couple of questions beg for answers...

Why do I use the moniker I do? Those that know me know how much I hate to dance. It is not because I can get jiggy, shakin’ my freak thaing. Frankly, at my age, I am not certain that I even want to get jiggy. The name was intended as a metaphor for how I live my life. I’ve always said that I don’t understand life, but stand in bemused amazement of the thing. I have also always been the fool. The court jester was the only one that would dare to tell the king the truth. The irony of the foolish jest was that he was the wisest in the court; his counsels often hidden deep in the flesh of the clown. The original Dancing Fool was a page on my family webpage that used to think out loud, to tell my friends my thoughts, to do what this webpage has become.

The Dancing Fool began as probably the third or fourth web diary that I have kept. I have always journalled. It became more difficult as my hands have become more affected by arthritis and it became difficult to hold a pen and write for extended periods of time. The various diaries have always been anonymous, but open to the public to read. I was amazed by the comments that have been generated. People do read these things. The comments made by strangers have often been the most insightful as they offer unvarnished and objective responses to what I have written. Some have been the old-school counseling techniques: “Quit whining, crybaby…” Most have been helpful. One person, about four years ago simply wrote that I was not alone. That meant the most to me at a time when I felt like I was loosing everything, including my connection to humanity.

The Dancing Fool began as a way to chronicle my new years’ resolutions (which I will revisit next week) but has become my sounding board, my way to work out my thoughts, my way to say my piece, my way to say I am because I said…

Who will listen to a fool… hey, you’re reading it! And thank you most graciously for taking the time to do so!!!!

- tdf

State of Mind, States of the Union, States of Being

Here is a map of the states that I have visited. Bear in mind that several of these were states that I drove through and have not spent time knowing, beyond seeing the geography at 75 mph. I pasted the link for this map to the title of this posting. It is kind of fun... I didn't realize how many of the lower 48 I had visited. I forgot to note Hawaii, but I was only there long enough to get into an airplane. I've never been to Alaska. Still, there is a pattern to my travels... The South, Northwest, and New England remain unvisited (though I did once gaze at Lake Champlain from my perch on the top of Giant Mountain), but the flyover - the drive through? - has my scent all over it. All those years as a Lutheran Pastor, tramping through the Midwest...




Now, as to my state of mind... that is another thing altogether. My state of mind is tense these days. I have more monitory woes than are healthy. While I am working, it is irregular. My Financial Aid is taking, as per usual, forever to process, and life is dragging. Money will be in place, but this interim moment is painful.

MM and I got past the obstacles noted in the previous two postings, thankfully. I have been very busy and have not had or made time to write in the past several days. I have also been battling a fever. I did not get a call to work today and I am frankly glad to let my body recover, though I miss the classroom.

MM called on Sunday. She had gone to church and then brunch with a guy friend from her divorce recovery group. The first words out of her mouth when I picked up the phone were, "I love you..." That was good to hear. I did not doubt it, but her whole bearing seemed to be very negative. I was really worried.

I've been sick for the past several days. I generally hide in my cave when I am ill. I am not fun to be around and prefer to just heal up before I see others. When I was married to LA I would generally suggest a visit to her mom's with the kids to let me sleep it off and get over whatever bug I had. That was a sort of care that she could give me: space to recover. Funny thing, with MM, I only want her to be around. Her touch does more for me than anything. I don't understand why the change in attitude, all I know is that I hate to be apart from her.

I have had to ask MM for another loan. This was difficult. She asked for a note, which I consider to be a proper measure. Off course she will have a document with a fair interest rate. That is proper. I would not do anything outside of that. I hate being needful. I am so accustomed to being the one that provides, the one that gives, the one that takes care of. This role-reversal is difficult.

More later...

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Here is a map of the countries where The Dancing Fool has been read... Finally international status (courtesy of eXTReMe Tracking)...




I feel asleep on the couch but the phone kept ringing. I'd answer, but no reply. I just called MM. She is going to an amusement park with M. She's a good mom. A couple of days ago I went to M's back to school night with MM, at her request. I was dying of fever and had no desire to be out and about except that MM asked for me to be with her. Her ex-husband, M's father, K, was coming. MM wanted my support. How could I say no? If my lover and best friend asks for something the answer is always, "of course."

Having spent a couple of hours with K I saw him a decent man that made a horrible decision. It is strange. I thought of going to a back to school night for R with LA and my then girlfriend. DP observed and LA, R, A, and I still acted like a family. I did not see that so much with K and MM until it was time to leave. There is a familiarity that 20+ years of knowing somebody inculcates onto a relationship. Nobody did anything inappropriate, but it was obvious that despite the events that tore this marriage apart that there was some intimacy that only time can bestow.

I am roasting with fever again. My tee-shirt is dripping and I am feeling like another shower might be in order, first the tylenols... More later.

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I really resent the hell out of being sick. I dislike not being physically able to do the things that I would like to do. I suppose that I am more upset now at the difficulties that have presented themselves to me. I am working to problem solve, but it feels like I take one step forward and three steps back.

I should never have made the career choice that I did. That is clear in retrospect. None of the work that I did has lasted. It has all just faded away. I originally wanted to be a teacher, special education. I am good at this and will pursue it. But it feels like I am twenty-five years too late.

Ah well... not much more to say. This is my 99th posting. The next is the centenial... 100 issues of The Dancing Fool. Damn.

Frustrated... Very Frustrated.

I am terribly frustrated right now. I just spoke to MM. She’s called several times today, each time seeming upset and sounding like I had done something or left something undone. Now, it is not anything that she says directly. It’s more of the “the vacuum cleaner you used broke after you did my front room” or “the computer is having problems because ‘somebody’ has done something…” The last time I heard the dread “somebody” she was yelling about the screen door and staring at me. I’ve learned that “somebody” is a circumlocution for me. She calls and there are complaints. I would rather not hear from her than get these jabs. I asked directly is she was upset. She said that she wasn’t. I decided to press the issue a bit, as her tone seemed to belie her words. She is upset because she passed on a concert by Yanni in Las Vegas. To be very honest I don’t think that this is the whole issue.

Now, seeing Yanni would be very low on my list of acts to catch. I would do it for somebody I cared for but I would never go to see Yanni or Enya or any of the New Age Music set on my own. I would go with a friend and go with an open mind. That is how I came to love opera. Who knows? I could be wrong about this genre of music.

Having said that, I have to own a couple of aggravations: I asked MM if she would go to see Alice Cooper with me. The response was a flat “no.” There is something that strikes me as unfair here: we can go to concerts that we both like (I can think of only a couple of acts that we both would enjoy, there may be more, but neither of us know of them) but God forbid that we go to one that I would like to see. Still, she gets upset at me and asks that I stay away because she needs “time for herself” over a concert that she never even asked me about.

Now, add to this that she could have gone anyway with a friend to the concert if she wanted to. Her comment to me was that she was upset because she did not have somebody that she could go with to the concert. In short, because I am as broke as they come, living as a student and trying to recreate myself – not the mention the very costly issues that face me this week and the added stress in my life to get to the bottom of them – I am somehow the reason that she cannot go. It has been a bitch of a week. Now she says that she may not want to see me on Sunday. She just “does not have enough energy to entertain…” Even though, when I am there, I cook, clean, pick up after her son and dogs, and am as low maintenance as they come.

I don’t sense that she is being completely honest with me and just wish that she would “come clean” and talk to me.

No, I am not rich.

No, I do not have two dimes to rub together – a temporary, but seriously debilitating condition.

No, I am not her dream guy – he’s young, rich and white (her description); I'm middle aged, beaten down but trying to recover, and Latino.

But damn… at least talk to me and be honest instead complaining that “somebody set up my computer the wrong way,” “the vacuum will cost $125.00 to fix because of what you did…,” and “I’m in a strange place because I could not go to the concert in Las Vegas…” I set up her computer because she could not. I asked her to help through every step of the process to guarantee that the job was done to her satisfaction. I have cleaned, cooked, picked up dog shit, fed and watered the beasties, and even helped with her son and have been her constant friend and advocate. The comment that really got to me, though, was the “you were by Albertson’s and didn’t stop by?” After hearing that she wanted to be left the hell alone, I was not going to just drop by. The truth is that other friends (DD or K) could stop by, her friend DM could be there to do work and all would be well. It is not others that she does not want to see, it’s me. I may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I can see that clearly enough.

And, dammit, that hurts. I have work to do, both for school and here at home, best to get back into gear. I am upset. I’ll get over it. I just wish that she’d have been more forthcoming with her feelings or maybe just gone to the damn concert.

Is this really how love is?

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It is about 10:15, p.m. I just spoke to MM and am all the more concerned. I just can’t seem to help her. She ignored my concerns. I asked not to have her call to dump on me. She did agree to that. She would only say that she is unhappy. I am left to guess if I am welcomed or not. Do I call, do I remain at a distance? The only way that I can give somebody what they are wanting for is to understand what they need. I asked directly if MM wants to continue her time alone. She told me that she was damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. I told her that there was no damning, just an attempt to understand. The tacit accusation is that I am trying to harm her by asking. I don’t understand that.

She’s unhappy. She won’t say why. She slipped and said that it was DM and me, then cut off. I suspect that there is more that she is just not willing to say.

I’ve seen how this works and want desperately to avoid it. There is an issue. It is neither discussed, nor brought out into the open to be addressed. It festers. It becomes a cancer and then the relationship dies. Somebody takes issue with something and just chooses to ignore it or, worse, to let it go unsaid and become a toxin. Yes, I am worried. I watched this pattern in two marriages. I’ve watched this pattern as a cleric. I am beginning to see it here and I am worried. I want her to tell me what is happening so it can be addressed. But it is beyond my power to compel her to do so.

How can I change a hurtful pattern if it is not known? How can I help if she won’t talk to me? God, I feel like hell. I hate this feeling like I am not wanted. Just how much time can she need? It is going to be four days before we see each other. I had asked for her help to take instruments into the store. I wanted to do that today. But she won’t see me.

I just wish I knew what to do for her. But she won’t let me near. And that hurts most of all.

It's the weekend

WE HUMANS LIKE TO Organize things to feel that we have dominion over our space and time. It is the weekend. I got up at 7:20 or so, following a strange dream. I was being dogged by symbols of the past that came to me either for help or to hinder me, but all in "real" time. It was as if ghosts of the past had to have a last huzzah with me. I woke up in the middle of a conflict that had no clear resolution, though I (as much as it is "I" in a dream) seemed to have the upper hand. It was a strange, even absurd, conflict. A couple of things that I noticed was that the farther forward I moved, the "ghosts" from further back in my history originated, almost as if there were a inverse relationship between progress and regress. They were not "ghosts" in the dream - that is how I choose to describe my entombed memories - they appeared as "real" people, but not really. They were caricatures of the past. Nobody in this dream, apart from me, was in anyway contemporary: all the cast inhabited a time at least twenty or more years past.

MM did not want company last night. I could not help but wonder if I should worry. She gave no indication that this is so, but my tendency is to feel insecure in matters of the heart. She IM'd me and then called late, right before she went to bed. I choose not to call her to allow her space. I also indicated on the IM that she should feel free to call when she wanted to chat. I wanted to pick up the phone, but wanted more to respect her space. When she did call our conversation was fine until she asked about the issues that arose last week. Her tone almost seemed confrontational. I was not up to that. I don't know or think that she was meaning to be accusing. My conversations with Los Angeles were akin to the Spanish Inquisition. These people deal with deadbeats all the time and I think assume that everybody is a deadbeat. Verbal abuse seems to be the norm with them. Having MM press the issue more than I was willing to discuss was more than I was ready to take at the moment. The conversation cut off quickly, when I asked that we drop the subject.

I don't want to involve LA in any of this. The last time I went to her to help sort out anything that had to do with our/my divorce I ended up in court. It has been three years since she started the last battle. When I think about the past three years I am surprised that I am still standing. I fought two divorce battles at the same time, saw my career die, lost faith in the church, saw LA poison my relationship with A, my youngest daughter (thank whatever gods or goddesses there are for R, the elder that was her antidote).

While I am struggling, I feel as if I am dancing on the edge of a razor and will soon fall. I know that I am only inches away from a crash and don't want to do that again.

On the good side, sub jobs are coming in. On the bad side, I will have to sell guitars to get everybody up to date and then continue the battle. Oh well... I wish I knew better how to dance through the daze of this life. It's the weekend. I really don't feel like I have dominion over anything; much less so over the time and space of my life.

I came upon the parody of the Bush Terrorism Alert System:



Let's hope that the stupidity factor does not get overly out of hand...

-tdf

What a night...

I am certain in the knowledge that I could walk a marathon if need be... but I really don't ever want to do it again!

I had some difficulties last night that resulted in my having to walk home from MP to VTA, a distance of approximately 17 miles, at midnight through a meandering back road. As I said, I am pleased to know that it can be done but I never want to do it again. The difficulties, which I will not detail here, were of my own doing. Mostly oversight, forgetting to tend to issues that required attention. The fault was mine. There is no question in my mind about that.

Personal responsibility is big in my world. I do not blame God or the devil, the time of the month, or the portents in the stars for things that happen. I may not be the master of my fate, but I am certainly accountable for what I do and do not do. Put simply, I fucked up. What amazes me is that I can be brilliant; but at times I can be barely functional. Ironically, I am a good manager (I ran churches, not-for-profits, and did well with them). I did so by direction and setting tasks to others that were more inclinded to do them and do them well. There seems to be a disconnect when it comes to my personal life. I tend to be at my spaciest when I am home and tired. In the past I gave financial controls over to by spouses. At one time, I let a girlfriend handle them. They all did better than I did (the first wife bankrupted me, the second paid off her bills, the girlfriend kept me up to date on my bills and obligations).

Looking objectively at my journals I see a pattern of depression. I know that I become passive during these times. I also tend to focus on what is immediate. This was part of the problem. I lost focus and did not attend to issues that required immediate attention. That looks like a contradiction. Maybe not. What feels immediate and what is may be where the disconnect occurs.

I will be speaking with MM today. I will detail the whole chain of events to her. This is fair. I need a friend that can help me be accountable to what needs attention.

When it is all said and done, I failed because I could not or did not maintain focus. I need to organize and keep to it. This is where I fall short. I am good at setting up schemas, but very poor at maintaining them.

More later.

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I originally posted around two. It is now 11:20. MM called me an idiot, with good reason I might add (I had even told her that I felt that way and that she should not feel shy). She helped me to get "Little Blue" from her sad hiding place in MP. MM was supportive, if not somewhat aghast at the whole thing. I understand that feeling. I was expecting to get a much more severe response from her. I was feeling uncertain and asked if she would keep me. Her response: I was too good in bed to let go. I laughed and felt some relief.

She recruited her friend DM to help get "Little Blue." We got the car and then I treated all to a Peruvian dinner (with a donation to the cause from MM) for all. I am in one helluva lot of pain, however. I never thought blisters could hurt this much. I am going to bed and calling it a night.

- tdf

Enlightened Self-Interest

Years ago I read Wm. Buckley's right-wing catechism, "Up From Liberalism." In that work Buckley argues that the individual will act in his or her own self-interest. The key to making this "moral" (using the term advisedly) is demonstrating that what is best for the whole is in the interest of the individual. Thus, the free market would ideally be the force that would drive moral change; the great irony is that in Buckley's paradigm greed becomes the agent of change for the betterment of the whole.

Why does a dyed in the wool leftist like myself mention this? I have been thinking, of late, about Pat Buchanan. Buchanan argues that dependence on foreign oil is bad for the defense of our nation. Creating a dependence upon another nation, whose interests may be other than ours, makes us a slave to the interests of that nation and thus grants them power disproportionate to their might. Following Buckley's idea of enlightened self interest, the right should advocate for alternative energy sources, thus limiting the dependence on foreign oil and in the process diminishing the need to support regimes like that of the Saudi Royal Family or having to maintain any particular order in the world to guarantee the flow of any necessary commodity.

When the argument is made in terms of the environment it is lost. Economics, not altruism motivate. Economics is, by nature, as short-sighted as self interest. Greed, not stewardship, will create the perception that what is good for the environment is good for the national interest. We liberals have made the fundamental mistake in trusting in the intrinsic goodness of humanity. It is not human kindness, but greed that has accomplished great things in the world.

I do not believe that greed is good. But I am pragmatic enough to realize that the environment will only be protected if the need for oil is diminished. If the argument that this is in the national interest is the means to that end, then I will argue not for the environment, but for national sovereignty and the protection of the nation.

But I am only a fool...

Keeping Faith

I have my DVD player on my compu working again! These are things that make me happy. I live having my movies playing while I am writing or doing other things. I have such active AD/HD that it is needful for me to have more than one thing going at once.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past relationship with SL. I have to ask myself why I clung so desperately to a bad relationship. I know that I feel commitments down to the base of my soul. There are promises that simply cannot be broken, those that are sealed with an oath. I recall the words of Cicero from Orations, “He that violates his oath profanes the divinity of faith itself.” So why did I let myself into a bad marriage and then into a protracted break-up?

I suppose that I am, despite my poor choices, a person that craves to live as a couple. I understand that there is a movement that is not so much anti-marriage, as seeking alternatives to the old estate. I am not a polyamorous sort; I am hard-wired for monogamy. I have tried to play around a bit and always found myself feeling that it is wrong for me. I don’t judge others, but I crave to be with one woman, in the same house. I love to take care of my mate. I love to do for her. I love to be with her. I miss that.

I think that this longing was behind my second marriage. I was deciding based on good sex, and a longing to be loved and – for me, most importantly – to love. SL used to tell me that I was never loved the way that she loved me. She used to tell me how nobody would ever love me with such passion or such depth as she did. Then she left me.

Lies, just lies.

But these were lies that I wanted to be true. Fantasy fiction requires a suspension of disbelief. That is the crux of the writer’s craft. It is also the act of a sad man whose mourning for the death of his marriage blinded him to the reality of SL’s infidelity. I wanted her lies to be the truth and I clung to them like a drowning man clings to a toxic float. There is an irony in that: I cling to that which will poison me to preserve my life.

I think that I made a good decision to cut off contact with SL. She is not good for me and I have to surround myself with people that are good for me, or at least benign. I am a faithful friend, but I need to be more selective and more clearly sighted regarding those in whom I place trust. That is a hard thing. I used to unconditionally place trust in people believing that they would rise to my expectations with my support. Looking at those words I see that they are really egoistic. I don’t want to become jaded or hard, I just need to take more care. In the past I used to say that I would trust until I was given reason not to trust. Then I would not be angry, I may even understand why trust was broken; I would never, however, trust again.

That is still my way of being in the world. I have just become slower in trusting. I think about MM and at times I am afraid that she will break faith. There is nothing that she has done to suggest that she would. Indeed, she told me that she is beginning to trust that I would not sleep around or break faith with her. I know how big that is. It is a great step for her. I don’t distrust her, I am just still hurting from having had every significant relationship fail. I know that it is not in MM’s nature to break faith. I want to trust that. We are developing something of a track record together and I believe that she is trustworthy.

I think that it is one of my better traits that I hang in with a person once I have made a commitment to that person. I don’t want to change that. I simply need to be more discerning. I think that I was fortunate to have met MM when I did. She is trustworthy, loving and kind. She has also been hurt. Pain: that is a common denominator which we share. But we share much more. I look into her eyes and I see a heart that loves me. Surely that has to be worth something.

I got a call from my ex-wife...

I got a call from my ex-wife today. I have been married and divorced twice. In a world that values being coupled over all things I find myself to be the anomaly: a 47 year old man living alone. I know that I have bought into the value of living as a couple, but fate has been cruel to me in this regard: I believe in mating for life and have fared very poorly in that regard. But I digress, SL called me. I cut contact with her following some issues that cause both MM and myself some discomfort. Partly for MM's sake, mostly for my own concerns about SL, I decided to say a final adieu and requested no further contact.

How can I say this subtly: SL was a bit of a slut when younger and enjoyed recounting tales of her past to me, generally over my protestations to leave it the hell alone. I did not want to hear about her three-ways, her use of sex to manipulate men, her tendency to flat out lie. I wanted to live in the now. SL wanted to recall her glory days, all the while telling me that she was glad that those days were over.

They were not over.

No, she was not sleeping with others, but she was not able to keep faith in the marriage. There were more issues than I can recount here in the time that I have. Difficulties in the church I was serving as its senior pastor, SL bringing her niece and daughter into my home (at my expense), SL deciding that she was too stressed to work. I felt like I was being milked for all I was worth. Still I wanted to make a go of it. SL decided to lie. All the time that she said that she was in for the long-run, when was looking for a way out.

Now I am a reasonably intelligent man. I have an IQ that is at least two, maybe two and one half standard deviations off the norm. You would think that I could see that this woman was not good for me. I did not. I tried to be a friend. Even after the divorce we were sexually intimate. I realized that I was a convenient fuck-buddy. I still wanted more, she wanted a safe sexual partner. I learned that she was telling her daughters that she had not seen me and that I was out of her life. I learned this because her daughter - the one that offered me oral sex if I let her stay out late at night - was still in contact with my eldest daughter. I confronted her with the lie and cut off contact. She continued to call. I would try to be a friend then realize what a sap I was being.

SL called today. Her pretext was that Earthlink had made an error in the billing and that I must know something about it. I had Earthlink, but have not used them for years as my ISP. It was a pretext. I curtly answered the question and hung up. I am frustrated. SL simply does not get it: this is a woman that lied to me straight faced. Her refusal to keep commitments cost me my career as a pastor. I am only now beginning to recover from the tailspin that she set me on four years ago. And she still does not get it.

I am irritated but with each contact I see her more clearly for what she is: a user. I don't want her in my life and wish to hell that she would stop calling. She has sent a couple of emails. I have ignored them. My mistake was in sending a response when I heard that she had purchased her parents' home congratulating her and wishing her well. That seemed like the gracious thing to do. It was not an open door or an invitation. I was very curt on the phone. There was no email from her on any of my accounts today (for which I am thankful), though I doubt that I would dignify any contact with response.

I just want to go on and to let my life progress. SL was a mistake. I have come to the point of regretting the whole damn thing. I want to move on.

- tdf

A wonderful weekend.

I spent an absolutely magnificent weekend with MM. We spent time together. I did homework and she did her yard-work. We made love like a couple of teen-agers. I cooked for her and did what I could for her to see that I love her. It was a good weekend.

I found a job lead in SVUSD. I don’t relish the idea of driving to SV, but what the hey… Work is work. It is close enough to stay in Ventura. I have no desire to leave Ventura, especially now that MM has become part of my life. Prior to having met her I would have expanded my job search to LA, the Near OC, and the Valley. Now, it is in this county or SB, but no further.

I am listening to Etta James… down and dirty lyrics and gritty bass. Damn she’s good.

I have to spend a good deal of time cobbling a paper together for school in the morning: another silly internet assignment. It’s all good… each paper leads me closer to my goal of becoming a credentialed teacher.

Not much to write… just happy that MM and I are doing well again and seem to be rediscovering the joys of our loving.

- tdf

Just Downloaded Software

I have Microsoft Word again. It is nice to have a functioning word processing utility on my machine. I still do not have DVD and my scanner still is in hiding, but the compu is coming back, bit by bit. I spent much of the day with Monica. Today I really did not accomplish too overly much. I downloaded the Microsoft stuff and recorded a test lead for Fade Away. MAS commented that I am doing a “Paul McCartney,” and playing all of the instruments on my album. Necessity is the mother of invention and for me it is simply a case of learning where to put my fingers to get the musical phrase that I hear.

MM was suffering from a severe headache this evening. We sat in her spa and then I rubbed her neck and head for about half an hour. There are times that I am convinced that this does nothing to help her headache; it is the attention that is comforting for her. We ate a simple dinner and just hung out together. Tomorrow I am planning a day of parallel play: I will bring my work to MM’s home and tend to it there. I can keep an eye on MM and take care of her. I need to be there early to make breakfast and take care of her.

MM made a comment that left me feeling uncertain. I know that we have differing ideas about how to manage our relationship. I think that she wants to keep the “live close by, visit often” model. I want to live together (assuming at least a year together). I am trying not to read into comments. Neither of us wants marriage. I am happy to do whatever document and pay whatever is fair toward the upkeep of a shared home. I get the idea that she is “twice shy” having been severely bitten. It is probably too early in the relationship to think about these things.

I got my sub packet from VUSD. I need to register and to begin to push my case for doing sub work in the district. I also need to advertise myself with other districts in the area. I want to be working at least a couple of days per week. MAS mentioned what the people which stand on street corners with signs to coax people into businesses: $180.00 p/day. For $360 per weekend, I would be willing to stand on a corner a couple of times per month. That is food, rent, and a nice sun-tan (but a killer back-ache).

It is late… I am thirsty and am thinking about going to get something from the Circle K. Meanwhile I will sign off.

- tdf

Rounding the Bend

It feels like I am just now rounding the bend. I have been able to put to rest several issues that have been causing me difficulties. Needless to say, I am feeling much better. MM and I spend a pleasant evening making love. I like our hot passionate quickies, but the times when I can relax and drink in the beauty of her body and make it my joy to give her as much pleasure as I can are wondrous indeed. Last night was such a night. We only made love once, but it was intense, long lasting, and satisfying to my core.

I came to a satisfactory conclusion on the issues with VUSD. I am happy about that and the prospect of working again.

I've gotten into four of the five classes I needed for this term. Today is my last shot at one of them and I hope that the gods and spirits are with me tonight. With that, I will have satisfied all of the coursework for my credential.

It has been a good day. I am writing from the library - an issue of time more than anything today - and will be making my pitch in a few minutes. I got my home computer to work but lost all of my files. Some were backed up. Learn from the fool... back up your files, children. I hate to take the tone of a moralist, but I lost all that I had. What amount of labor does it really cost to drop in a CDR and make back up copies?

Enough for now... more later.
- tdf

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Post script... writing from home on my computer :-)

I got my class... this completes all of my credential requirements apart from student teaching and a few tests that the state requires. YEAH! - tdf