Keeping Faith

I have my DVD player on my compu working again! These are things that make me happy. I live having my movies playing while I am writing or doing other things. I have such active AD/HD that it is needful for me to have more than one thing going at once.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past relationship with SL. I have to ask myself why I clung so desperately to a bad relationship. I know that I feel commitments down to the base of my soul. There are promises that simply cannot be broken, those that are sealed with an oath. I recall the words of Cicero from Orations, “He that violates his oath profanes the divinity of faith itself.” So why did I let myself into a bad marriage and then into a protracted break-up?

I suppose that I am, despite my poor choices, a person that craves to live as a couple. I understand that there is a movement that is not so much anti-marriage, as seeking alternatives to the old estate. I am not a polyamorous sort; I am hard-wired for monogamy. I have tried to play around a bit and always found myself feeling that it is wrong for me. I don’t judge others, but I crave to be with one woman, in the same house. I love to take care of my mate. I love to do for her. I love to be with her. I miss that.

I think that this longing was behind my second marriage. I was deciding based on good sex, and a longing to be loved and – for me, most importantly – to love. SL used to tell me that I was never loved the way that she loved me. She used to tell me how nobody would ever love me with such passion or such depth as she did. Then she left me.

Lies, just lies.

But these were lies that I wanted to be true. Fantasy fiction requires a suspension of disbelief. That is the crux of the writer’s craft. It is also the act of a sad man whose mourning for the death of his marriage blinded him to the reality of SL’s infidelity. I wanted her lies to be the truth and I clung to them like a drowning man clings to a toxic float. There is an irony in that: I cling to that which will poison me to preserve my life.

I think that I made a good decision to cut off contact with SL. She is not good for me and I have to surround myself with people that are good for me, or at least benign. I am a faithful friend, but I need to be more selective and more clearly sighted regarding those in whom I place trust. That is a hard thing. I used to unconditionally place trust in people believing that they would rise to my expectations with my support. Looking at those words I see that they are really egoistic. I don’t want to become jaded or hard, I just need to take more care. In the past I used to say that I would trust until I was given reason not to trust. Then I would not be angry, I may even understand why trust was broken; I would never, however, trust again.

That is still my way of being in the world. I have just become slower in trusting. I think about MM and at times I am afraid that she will break faith. There is nothing that she has done to suggest that she would. Indeed, she told me that she is beginning to trust that I would not sleep around or break faith with her. I know how big that is. It is a great step for her. I don’t distrust her, I am just still hurting from having had every significant relationship fail. I know that it is not in MM’s nature to break faith. I want to trust that. We are developing something of a track record together and I believe that she is trustworthy.

I think that it is one of my better traits that I hang in with a person once I have made a commitment to that person. I don’t want to change that. I simply need to be more discerning. I think that I was fortunate to have met MM when I did. She is trustworthy, loving and kind. She has also been hurt. Pain: that is a common denominator which we share. But we share much more. I look into her eyes and I see a heart that loves me. Surely that has to be worth something.