Now, seeing Yanni would be very low on my list of acts to catch. I would do it for somebody I cared for but I would never go to see Yanni or Enya or any of the New Age Music set on my own. I would go with a friend and go with an open mind. That is how I came to love opera. Who knows? I could be wrong about this genre of music.
Having said that, I have to own a couple of aggravations: I asked MM if she would go to see Alice Cooper with me. The response was a flat “no.” There is something that strikes me as unfair here: we can go to concerts that we both like (I can think of only a couple of acts that we both would enjoy, there may be more, but neither of us know of them) but God forbid that we go to one that I would like to see. Still, she gets upset at me and asks that I stay away because she needs “time for herself” over a concert that she never even asked me about.
Now, add to this that she could have gone anyway with a friend to the concert if she wanted to. Her comment to me was that she was upset because she did not have somebody that she could go with to the concert. In short, because I am as broke as they come, living as a student and trying to recreate myself – not the mention the very costly issues that face me this week and the added stress in my life to get to the bottom of them – I am somehow the reason that she cannot go. It has been a bitch of a week. Now she says that she may not want to see me on Sunday. She just “does not have enough energy to entertain…” Even though, when I am there, I cook, clean, pick up after her son and dogs, and am as low maintenance as they come.
I don’t sense that she is being completely honest with me and just wish that she would “come clean” and talk to me.
No, I am not rich.
No, I do not have two dimes to rub together – a temporary, but seriously debilitating condition.
No, I am not her dream guy – he’s young, rich and white (her description); I'm middle aged, beaten down but trying to recover, and Latino.
But damn… at least talk to me and be honest instead complaining that “somebody set up my computer the wrong way,” “the vacuum will cost $125.00 to fix because of what you did…,” and “I’m in a strange place because I could not go to the concert in Las Vegas…” I set up her computer because she could not. I asked her to help through every step of the process to guarantee that the job was done to her satisfaction. I have cleaned, cooked, picked up dog shit, fed and watered the beasties, and even helped with her son and have been her constant friend and advocate. The comment that really got to me, though, was the “you were by Albertson’s and didn’t stop by?” After hearing that she wanted to be left the hell alone, I was not going to just drop by. The truth is that other friends (DD or K) could stop by, her friend DM could be there to do work and all would be well. It is not others that she does not want to see, it’s me. I may not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I can see that clearly enough.
And, dammit, that hurts. I have work to do, both for school and here at home, best to get back into gear. I am upset. I’ll get over it. I just wish that she’d have been more forthcoming with her feelings or maybe just gone to the damn concert.
Is this really how love is?
It is about 10:15, p.m. I just spoke to MM and am all the more concerned. I just can’t seem to help her. She ignored my concerns. I asked not to have her call to dump on me. She did agree to that. She would only say that she is unhappy. I am left to guess if I am welcomed or not. Do I call, do I remain at a distance? The only way that I can give somebody what they are wanting for is to understand what they need. I asked directly if MM wants to continue her time alone. She told me that she was damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. I told her that there was no damning, just an attempt to understand. The tacit accusation is that I am trying to harm her by asking. I don’t understand that.
She’s unhappy. She won’t say why. She slipped and said that it was DM and me, then cut off. I suspect that there is more that she is just not willing to say.
I’ve seen how this works and want desperately to avoid it. There is an issue. It is neither discussed, nor brought out into the open to be addressed. It festers. It becomes a cancer and then the relationship dies. Somebody takes issue with something and just chooses to ignore it or, worse, to let it go unsaid and become a toxin. Yes, I am worried. I watched this pattern in two marriages. I’ve watched this pattern as a cleric. I am beginning to see it here and I am worried. I want her to tell me what is happening so it can be addressed. But it is beyond my power to compel her to do so.
How can I change a hurtful pattern if it is not known? How can I help if she won’t talk to me? God, I feel like hell. I hate this feeling like I am not wanted. Just how much time can she need? It is going to be four days before we see each other. I had asked for her help to take instruments into the store. I wanted to do that today. But she won’t see me.
I just wish I knew what to do for her. But she won’t let me near. And that hurts most of all.
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