Gilbert O'Sullivan Sang that Song when I was in high-school: it was one of my guilty pleasure songs, one that I secretly enjoyed. The narrator chronicles all of the losses and all of the grief that he has endured and ends with the laconic refrain, "Alone again, naturally." So too am I, again, and I fear for good.
Devestated
That is such a strong word. Given the recent events in the Indian Ocean and Asia it seems too big a word for my pain; but there it is. I feel wrecked and ruined anew, just as I was struggling to have and keep faith. I could not sleep last night. When I did fall asleep, my dreams were like a tsunami wrecking havoc on the shores of my subconscious mind. I trembled all night and, finally, around four, gave up on sleep.
The weekend was horrible. MM was not feeling well (down with a cold). Beyond that she seemed distant. It was like all of the stuff that she and I had been through was beginning again. Sunday it broke. I had sent a couple of IMs - the little love notes that I like to send - to her. She contacted me and we agreed to get together later in the day. The time came. I got there. Following a brief conversation she informs me that she wants me to leave and wants to be alone. It's happening again.
We went through this game she has of not saying what she wants then expecting me to be present at her whim and convenience and as easily dismissed when she wants (without regard for my time or my wants, it seems). It was a beautiful day. I suggested a walk on the promenade. The weather was warm, balmy. She agreed then changed her mind. Then we were to go to Main Street. Then she decided I needed to leave. I tried to explain that I was getting frustrated with her and to please just tell the truth rather than play these mind games (which she denies playing, "Sometimes its easier for me to know what I don't want..."). I do not do well with this nonsense. I have never begrudged her time to herself. I hate wasting my time and being blown off. She knows this and just does not seem to give a damn.
I lost it. I let her know in no uncertain terms how angry I was for having had her waste my time - the only thing of value that any of us has; wasting time is wasting life - and playing her passive aggressive mind games. I left angry. It was as if the wounds that were inflicted a couple of weeks ago were torn opened again. I am sick of being dismissed, sick of being treated as if I really don't matter. If that is what she wants then she can damn well do it on her own; I won't be treated in this manner.
Here's Where I Blew It...
It was not the two hours doing this danse macabre that I lost; it was the whole day. I began to feel constricted; my heart was racing and I felt like I was going to burst. All of the classic symptoms on anxiety were present. I know that when I am feeling this way I should do nothing that involves heated emotions. I am too sensitive, they are too potent. I thought that I was calm, but I felt that I needed to deal with this NOW. I called and told MM that I thought that we needed to talk, sooner rather than later. I should have waited. I did not realize how angry I still was. I should have checked the conversation.
I told her that I love her (more about this below) but that I was angry. I got very angry and let her know - yelling at times, never a good choice - how upset with this behavior I was. I truly believe what I said was honest and well taken; how it was said was completely improper. I am at fault for that.
I mentioned in the previous post that MM had asked about something that had been said: she had been difficult since roughly Thanksgiving. We had had some conversations about this. She had noted that this was her first holiday since her mother passed away and her divorce had been finalized. Why she needed to push me away was completely beyond me, but that was her justification. I was supposed to be understanding of being treated like a guest that has overstayed his welcome because of her loss. How can I be supportive of a person that is pushing me away, a person that is actively finding fault, that is looking for reasons for this not to work?
But I digress. MM accused be of using a "technique" on her. That pushed me over the edge. I began the conversation by telling her that I love her because I was struggling to find reason to go on. She shattered my heart. She was doing the same things again and it hurt more than I can say. To be told that I was manipulating her by beginning with love was more than I could take. I flipped. All I remember was hitting my head, hard - it still hurts - and yelling at her to get out. It was as if she had found the one last nerve that she could strike at. That sounds malicious. She will deny malice, and I would tend to believe her. But she is capable of cruelty (as are we all, myself included). I was on the phone when I was able to choke back the tears and told her that I did not see how I could do this any more. Later I called and asked her not to hate me.
It is 5:17 in the morning. I need to shower and begin the day. I am not looking forward to facing a room full of teens this morning. But, what is, is. I will do my work and do it as well as I am able. I'll write more later.
