Too Long... Too Much Bullshit

I quit posting for several months. I suppose that there are several reasons. The most pressing was a symptom of my codependency in a relationship: I did not want to offend MM's delicate sensibilities. To hell with them. This is my blog. If she elects to read, she does so at her own peril (frankly, if you are reading, my dear, I would stop now...Nothing here if flattering).

I have reposted the chronicle of our breakup. They were hidden because she was offended by them.

She dumped me again. This time asking to be friends. Almost in the same breath the informed me that the contractor that was working on her house brought wine and flowers over. I stopped her and informed her that I did not want to hear any details.

I asked for a long hiatus following this conversation, almost three months. I needed time and space. That came to a disastrous end yesterday. We saw each other. Spend an afternoon fucking (during which time she told me that she is fucking the contractor - information I don't need). I spent a good deal of time thinking after and sent her the following email:

Thank you for accepting the olive branch that I tried to offer you. I was not certain that you would.

I can't say that I am comfortable with the idea of you seeing another man, but it is not mine to say what you do and with whom. You did not ask if I was seeing anybody nor did you seem to want to accept my invitation to ask. Perhaps it is moot to you. Should you feel a need or desire to ask I will speak; but, unless you ask I will remain silent.

I am uncertain how best to proceed. I suppose that I will have to accept the fact that I will have to share your affections - this seems ironic to me given the request that you had that I tell you if I became intimate with another person. You did not wish to be the "other woman" and I now have become the "other man". You accused me of "cruising" for other women, citing fear of betrayal but felt free to pursue a physical relationship with another man. All of this is difficult for me (and frankly seems to be a double-standard). I would be lying if I said otherwise.

But it felt so damn good to hold you again.

So what do we do? You've left my home: a place that I know you dislike, that you studiously avoided in the past and described in less than flattering language. But my bed smells as it should: of you. And I am confused. I am not willing to be a secret.
Nor am I willing to be simply at your beck and call to serve your pleasure, to be thrown out like so much garbage when I no longer suite you. I gave up much more than you did in the past and paid a deeper emotional toll for it: I was the one dropped like a bad habit. To hear you say, "one day at a time" sounds too much like the past that hurt me so deeply.

I refuse to be in your orbit. If we are to do anything the terms must be much more mutual. There are things in my life that you no longer have any say over: this includes who I will see and when. Your request that we suspend physical activity if there is another woman is nullified by your choices. What goes for you must go equally for me. There are several things that we need to talk about. I am willing to meet you half-way, but no more than that.

I hope that you see this as it is intended - a dialog starter and an attempt to hold on
to something that I value deeply.

I am confused. But I am also glad to have held you again.
- p

Tell me this is not pathetic. Now... How clear is it that I don't want details about her sexual escapades? Clear enough, I would think. No... She came to my house to help me find an escaped snake (How perfect is that? Phallic images up the wazoo). So she asks me - right after reading this email - if she should believe BS, the contractor who says that she does not perform fellatio well, or me (since I have expressed favor for her technique - words said in the context of lovemaking). WTF?

What part of "I don't want the details" is unclear? What type of bitch does this to a person she claims to love?

If she wants to whore around that is her choice. I will not have it thrown in my face. It is about her and her greed. She wants everything on her terms. She threw me out - and lied about the whole damn thing - then expects me to judge her "character."

She is not worthy of me. That's for damn sure. That part of me that sees her as a greedy bitch is probably more correct than I want to admit. The more I think, the more I am convinced that the best thing is to wash my hands completely of her.