It's the weekend

WE HUMANS LIKE TO Organize things to feel that we have dominion over our space and time. It is the weekend. I got up at 7:20 or so, following a strange dream. I was being dogged by symbols of the past that came to me either for help or to hinder me, but all in "real" time. It was as if ghosts of the past had to have a last huzzah with me. I woke up in the middle of a conflict that had no clear resolution, though I (as much as it is "I" in a dream) seemed to have the upper hand. It was a strange, even absurd, conflict. A couple of things that I noticed was that the farther forward I moved, the "ghosts" from further back in my history originated, almost as if there were a inverse relationship between progress and regress. They were not "ghosts" in the dream - that is how I choose to describe my entombed memories - they appeared as "real" people, but not really. They were caricatures of the past. Nobody in this dream, apart from me, was in anyway contemporary: all the cast inhabited a time at least twenty or more years past.

MM did not want company last night. I could not help but wonder if I should worry. She gave no indication that this is so, but my tendency is to feel insecure in matters of the heart. She IM'd me and then called late, right before she went to bed. I choose not to call her to allow her space. I also indicated on the IM that she should feel free to call when she wanted to chat. I wanted to pick up the phone, but wanted more to respect her space. When she did call our conversation was fine until she asked about the issues that arose last week. Her tone almost seemed confrontational. I was not up to that. I don't know or think that she was meaning to be accusing. My conversations with Los Angeles were akin to the Spanish Inquisition. These people deal with deadbeats all the time and I think assume that everybody is a deadbeat. Verbal abuse seems to be the norm with them. Having MM press the issue more than I was willing to discuss was more than I was ready to take at the moment. The conversation cut off quickly, when I asked that we drop the subject.

I don't want to involve LA in any of this. The last time I went to her to help sort out anything that had to do with our/my divorce I ended up in court. It has been three years since she started the last battle. When I think about the past three years I am surprised that I am still standing. I fought two divorce battles at the same time, saw my career die, lost faith in the church, saw LA poison my relationship with A, my youngest daughter (thank whatever gods or goddesses there are for R, the elder that was her antidote).

While I am struggling, I feel as if I am dancing on the edge of a razor and will soon fall. I know that I am only inches away from a crash and don't want to do that again.

On the good side, sub jobs are coming in. On the bad side, I will have to sell guitars to get everybody up to date and then continue the battle. Oh well... I wish I knew better how to dance through the daze of this life. It's the weekend. I really don't feel like I have dominion over anything; much less so over the time and space of my life.

I came upon the parody of the Bush Terrorism Alert System:



Let's hope that the stupidity factor does not get overly out of hand...

-tdf